It was only months before our accident I came across a saying and I’m not sure I can quote it exactly, but it was something close to this. “Most of the witnesses to God’s goodness are silent witnesses.” As I read that, I felt God was asking me to stop being a silent witness. But I also felt like my story, well it’s not unique; lots of people have been hurt and abused. And then one month before our accident we were at a sexual abuse seminar, and I heard this song by MercyMe, “The Hurt and The Healer”.  And instantly it struck a chord in my heart. I remember thinking, “Well none of my children have died but still through the abuse a part of me did die.” And I knew God wanted to heal my broken hurting heart. And I felt like lots of healing was taking place and I was finally alive. I clearly remember that week just prior to our accident, for the first time in my life I was longing to live, life was looking so exciting, so inviting, so freeing. I was finally learning to know who God really was.

     Then our accident happened, and I lost so much. I lost my song. I was overwhelmed with more pain and trauma than I knew what to do with. We were in the hospital with Jana on Father’s Day (June 2014) and Duane and Cindy Mullet were at church and someone somehow through skype or something like that we were able to hear the service. And they sang this song, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And I remembered again when I first heard it. And again, I felt like God was telling me, “The message of this song is for you.” And you know a shattered heart doesn’t hear the music it only hears the words. And it became my song. I have listened to it hundreds of times over the years.

Why?
The question that is never far away
But the healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Over the past months, maybe even years, I again realized I lost my song again or maybe more accurately the pain, the question, the uncertainty, the continued losses obscured the music. I’ve been writing just not publishing much and most of it isn’t even publishing worthy- raw anger, pain, and confusion. I again was believing the lies from the devil that I don’t matter, my story isn’t important, I don’t have what it takes to be a good writer. And again, my Papa God has been working and healing in my heart. I believe He is a good good Father and I am trusting He is working things out for His good and glory. I sense that Papa God is asking me to put my belief, my faith in action and honestly, I’m not totally sure what that all looks like; but I’ve started college with a dream and yes it’s hard work and making me doubt and question, “Did I hear God correctly?” I’ve been learning so much about trauma, pain, and loss, not only through books but in real life circumstances and again that tug to tell of the Goodness of God….

     So I’m typing up my ramblings and polishing them just a bit and will post them and I hope to touch someone’s heart and let them know they are not alone in the pain and confusion that life in this world gives us. I want to tell people how God has been so good to me so that maybe they have new eyes to see how God is there for them too. His Word promises “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:8