Category Archives: grief

12 Years…

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This year, for the anniversary of the accident, I decided to read the book of Job. As I read it, I connected with quite a few of Job’s questions and statements. A bit of a disclaimer, the place I am in right now did not just come from the accident anniversary. There have been several really hard, difficult, and quite painful events over the past couple of weeks, and these verses put words to a lot of what has been and is swirling around inside me…

The following are verses copied and pasted from the book of Job…

“Why wasn’t I born dead? Why didn’t I die as I came from the womb? Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace. I would be asleep and at rest. What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. But I don’t have the strength to endure. I have nothing to live for. Honest words can be painful, I hate my life and don’t want to go on living. For you examine us every morning and test us every moment. Why won’t you leave me alone, at least long enough for me to swallow! It is a land as dark as midnight, a land of gloom and confusion, where even the light is dark as midnight. “O God, grant me these two things, and then I will be able to face you. Remove your heavy hand from me, and don’t terrify me with your awesome presence. Now summon me, and I will answer! Or let me speak to you, and you reply. Tell me, what have I done wrong? Show me my rebellion and my sin. Why do you turn away from me? Why do you treat me as your enemy? I was living quietly until he shattered me. He took me by the neck and broke me in pieces. My spirit is crushed, and my life is nearly snuffed out. My eyes are swollen with weeping, and I am but a shadow of my former self. My days are over. My hopes have disappeared. My heart’s desires are broken. Where then is my hope? Can anyone find it? How long will you torture me? How long will you try to crush me with your words? But it is God who has wronged me,
capturing me in his net. “I cry out, ‘Help!’ but no one answers me. I protest, but there is no justice. God has blocked my way so I cannot move. He has plunged my path into darkness. My relatives stay far away, and my friends have turned against me. My family is gone, and my close friends have forgotten me. I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought! Darkness is all around me; thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere. I long for the years gone by, At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly. I cry to you, O God, but you don’t answer. I stand before you, but you don’t even look. My heart is troubled and restless. Days of suffering torment me. I walk in gloom, without sunlight. I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.

These verses come from Psalms…

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles. From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. O Lord, I cry out to you. I will keep on pleading day by day. O Lord, why do you reject me? Why do you turn your face from me? Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

“Thank you, Papa, for Your holy love, caring understanding, and kind acceptance. I am so grateful that You are a Healer and a Redeemer and a Restorer of all things. That is the belief that gets me through the days when I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head.”

I got Heaven on my mind
I got people waitin’ by
Close my eyes and I can see
Dancin’ on them golden streets
Got me dreamin’ of the day
Never leave, we get to stay
‘Til I see that welcome sign
I ain’t even gonna lie
I’ve got Heaven on my mind

Happy 23rd Birthday, Jennie!

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To my dear Jennie girl….I miss you; I wish you were here. I know you’re having an amazing time where you are, and I can’t wait to join you…

We enjoyed some cake and ice cream in your honor. We also played Phase10 and watched a Laura and Mary episode. I remember how you and your sisters used to love watching them.

There’s this gigantic hole inside of me that your death gave me. I know when I get to heaven I’ll see you and hug you and I will understand so much of what I don’t now. I am so grateful Papa God accepts and loves the broken mess that I am.

Happy 22nd Birthday, Jennie!

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We have celebrated as many birthdays without you as we had with you.

Happy 11th Birthday!

There are just no words to explain the pain of celebrating my child’s birthday without her. I just have to trust, to believe in the mystery of the Goodness of Papa God that allowed His holy Sovereignty to override His Providential care that awful rainy icy night. Because if I don’t, my mind will swirl down into the crazy, the insanity of trying to understand, trying to come up with answers. So I will just curl up in Papa’s arms and trust that just as His love flows into my heart, that my love will flow back to you and in heaven you will know your mama still loves you. Still weeps that she can’t hug you. Still aches with pain and longing AND is eagerly waiting for the day we will be reunited.

10 Years…

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…have come and gone since we laid to rest our beautiful daughter in the cold dark ground. I have probably cried every one of the 3,650 days since then- in my heart if not outwardly.

I still can’t make sense of why it had to happen. I still feel “in the dark” yet I know Papa is there holding me, hearing every question my heart does not have words for. I am so grateful for my encounter with God in the hospital because frankly, I have no idea how I would have the courage or strength to keep walking through this journey of grief and loss.

I struggle with how the sovereignty of God fits with His providence. Was His providence (His divine care and guidance) overpowered by His sovereignty (His divine power or authority) that cold dark night?? How do I make sense of an all loving AND all powerful God allowing my one child dying and my other child permanently disabled that awful night ten years ago? I think I have become okay with the fact that some things do not and will not make sense or be understood in this world.  I keep hearing my son tell me something he learned at SMBI – “All that God is, All of God is.” – meaning that His Sovereignty is also His Providence and His Providence is also His Sovereignty, His love is just, His justice is love…It is that awesome, wonderful mystery that I will never begin to unravel and understand. I have become okay with my mysterious God because if I understood God, He would not be God. Thank you, Papa God, for being so good, kind, and loving, for dancing in this storm with me. Thank you for the glimpses of sunshine and rainbows too.

Jennie Lynn

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In Loving Memory…

What can I say? There really are no words to ease the ache of missing you, of longing to be with you again, to hear your girlish giggle- but maybe you’re a young lady now and I missed watching you grow up? The pain of separation is still just as painful as the first day and I’m still choosing to trust that Papa will somehow make up the time we missed spending with you. I’m choosing to dance with Papa while the tears stream down my face. I will always miss you because I will always love you.

Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure,
Loving you always, Forgetting you never,

Mom and Dad, JoAnn, Justin & Stephanie and Felicity, Jana, Jodi & Janessa

9 Years…

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…ago we closed the casket on the beautiful sweet face of our eleven-year-old daughter. It has been the most painful thing I have ever done.

Why do I keep writing year after year when not much changes in the grieving?
I want people to know that a good and abundant life can be lived in the middle of hard painful circumstances, in the middle of grieving losses…
I want people to know about the goodness of God. And maybe they can better see the goodness of God in their story; seeing glimpses of it in my story.

Psalm 23 has become my close treasure over the past months.
Verse 1 “I have all I need.” I haven’t run out of tissues yet. I have been given grace, strength and courage to continue processing life and to walk through hard situations in emotionally healthy ways.
Verse 2 “He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.” He’s provided friends to listen when I needed to talk and to pray for me. They gave insight into verses that I couldn’t figure out and then God also gave me a special vision how those verses applied to me personally.
Verse 3 “He guides me…” He’s helped me connect to ladies willing to give help, advice, and encouragement for this online college course I’m attempting.
Verse 4 “Even when I walk through the darkest valley…You are close beside me.” I can strongly attest to that. I’ve never felt left alone through the many dark nights I’ve experienced. God has shown up in very different ways at times, but you know God, being God, does some pretty amazing, awesome things. Like the other week, I felt like I was surrounded by multiple impossible situations with no sign of relief or help. At Bible Study, one of the leaders said she finished a 5-day Bible reading she began in February- it ended with, “All things are possible with God.” Then she read her verse-of-the-day verse it was, “All things are possible with God.” Lastly, she got out her journal to write and on the cover was- “All things are possible with God.” She said, “I don’t know who this is for, but I felt strongly that God wanted me to share this and whatever impossible situation you are in- well, “All things are possible with God.” And I experienced that tale tell warmth surround me when I’m getting a God hug. So, I’m choosing to believe, to trust that He is working even when I don’t seem to see anything happening. I’m holding on to the promise of His goodness and love pursuing me all the days of my life and living in His house forever…

I love the Passion Version of Psalm 23

The Good Shepherd
1 Yahweh is my best friend and my shepherd.
I always have more than enough.
2 He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love.
His tracks take me to an oasis of peace near the quiet brook of bliss.
3 That’s where he restores and revives my life.
He opens before me the right path
and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness
so that I can bring honor to his name.
4 Even when your path takes me through
the valley of deepest darkness,
fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
Your authority is my strength and my peace.
The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
5 You become my delicious feast
even when my enemies dare to fight.
You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;
you give me all I can drink of you until my cup overflows.
6 So why would I fear the future?
Only goodness and tender love pursue me all the days of my life.
Then afterward, when my life is through,
I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!

The Passion Translation® is a registered trademark of Passion & Fire Ministries, Inc.
Copyright © 2020 Passion & Fire Ministries, Inc.

Joy in Tragedy

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The joy of the Lord is my strength. Nehemiah 8:10

I’ve heard this verse so often over the years and honestly as a teen it frustrated me because it was always said to me when something bad was happening. It felt like a spiritual band-aid- we need a verse to say to spiritualize the hard time. I’ve also learned that when something keeps coming to me and I feel disturbed or unsettled by it; it is usually a really good idea for me to pause and sit with it. To question and ponder- Just what am I believing or feeling?

As I was pondering what I was feeling and looking at what I thought this verse meant; I realized I did not know what joy was or whose it was. I thought it was a happy, feel-good emotion that would give you strength to just keep on doing the work you’re asked to do. And, I also noticed it said the joy of the Lord. It’s not my joy and I can’t manufacture it and I don’t even have to try. It is the Lord’s joy.

Larry Crabb writes, “Brokenness is realizing He is all we have. Hope is realizing He is all we need. Joy is realizing He is all we want.”

The path to joy is often in joyless situations. It seems Joy is best learned from the teacher of pain. I believe I can only experience true joy when I no longer focus on stopping or avoiding the pain but instead embracing it and being honest and real about the loss that is causing the pain. I am no longer afraid to ask the hardest, most painful questions. I’ve learned that asking questions is one way my heart can be opened to experience God, to hear from God. Asking questions does not mean I’m demanding or expecting answers, it is one way to be authentic. Connecting moments of loss to a deeper power. That deeper power is joy…. Until we have an encounter with Jesus Christ, I don’t think we can understand joy.

I believe joy in grief or hard times looks different than joy in happy, pleasant times. Joy is sometimes tears streaming down my face because my heart is aching with grief and longing for my heavenly home. It is choosing to trust that my Father is creating beauty out of ashes. It is the feeling of an overwhelming, deep peace in my heart even though there’s chaos in my house and circumstances. Joy is focusing on my Father, not my fears. Joy is confidence in the goodness of God. Joy comes from worshiping at both altars- lament and praise: which is declaring the truth that God is faithful, and He is in the midst of the pain I am feeling and trauma I am facing. Joy comes from a dynamic faith, a knowing that “when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10 Joy is a sense of peace and contentment, a sense of freedom. It is being willing to learn some unfamiliar dance steps, trusting that my Papa is leading me in them.

I love this song “Faithfully” by TobyMac. I believe we will have true joy in our hearts when we realize that Papa God was there faithfully making a way for us, never leaving us.

But when my world broke into pieces
You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I’m a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You were there faithfully

In my darkest hour, You met me
So quietly, so gently
You said You’d never leave
And you stood by Your word
So quietly, so gently
In all my pain, You met me
You said You’d never leave
And you stood by Your word

The Hurt and The Healer

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It was only months before our accident I came across a saying and I’m not sure I can quote it exactly, but it was something close to this. “Most of the witnesses to God’s goodness are silent witnesses.” As I read that, I felt God was asking me to stop being a silent witness. But I also felt like my story, well it’s not unique; lots of people have been hurt and abused. And then one month before our accident we were at a sexual abuse seminar, and I heard this song by MercyMe, “The Hurt and The Healer”.  And instantly it struck a chord in my heart. I remember thinking, “Well none of my children have died but still through the abuse a part of me did die.” And I knew God wanted to heal my broken hurting heart. And I felt like lots of healing was taking place and I was finally alive. I clearly remember that week just prior to our accident, for the first time in my life I was longing to live, life was looking so exciting, so inviting, so freeing. I was finally learning to know who God really was.

     Then our accident happened, and I lost so much. I lost my song. I was overwhelmed with more pain and trauma than I knew what to do with. We were in the hospital with Jana on Father’s Day (June 2014) and Duane and Cindy Mullet were at church and someone somehow through skype or something like that we were able to hear the service. And they sang this song, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And I remembered again when I first heard it. And again, I felt like God was telling me, “The message of this song is for you.” And you know a shattered heart doesn’t hear the music it only hears the words. And it became my song. I have listened to it hundreds of times over the years.

Why?
The question that is never far away
But the healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Over the past months, maybe even years, I again realized I lost my song again or maybe more accurately the pain, the question, the uncertainty, the continued losses obscured the music. I’ve been writing just not publishing much and most of it isn’t even publishing worthy- raw anger, pain, and confusion. I again was believing the lies from the devil that I don’t matter, my story isn’t important, I don’t have what it takes to be a good writer. And again, my Papa God has been working and healing in my heart. I believe He is a good good Father and I am trusting He is working things out for His good and glory. I sense that Papa God is asking me to put my belief, my faith in action and honestly, I’m not totally sure what that all looks like; but I’ve started college with a dream and yes it’s hard work and making me doubt and question, “Did I hear God correctly?” I’ve been learning so much about trauma, pain, and loss, not only through books but in real life circumstances and again that tug to tell of the Goodness of God….

     So I’m typing up my ramblings and polishing them just a bit and will post them and I hope to touch someone’s heart and let them know they are not alone in the pain and confusion that life in this world gives us. I want to tell people how God has been so good to me so that maybe they have new eyes to see how God is there for them too. His Word promises “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Happy 20th Birthday, Jennie!

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It is once again Thanksgiving Day and your birthday on the same day. I am so grateful for the peace, the courage and strength Papa God gives me to keep choosing to dance as I continue the journey of loss and grief.

Your 9th birthday in heaven…. How does time keep moving on when at times it seems I’m still back in the farmhouse hearing the noises from all six of you children playing outside? How does someone live in two worlds at the same time? How can your cousin that was born the same year as you be old enough to get married and yet in my mind, you’re still my little girl? Did you grow up in heaven? There are so many questions that will not be answered on this side of eternity. There is so much pain, so much hard, so much loss, so much ugliness in this broken world; yet here we find ourselves living in a world we were never meant for. Our hearts, our souls long for the world you are immensely enjoying. I take so much comfort and rest in the truth that God is okay with my questions without answers, that God is accepting and understanding of my so very human responses to this broken world. I keep looking for and longing for when I will be with you again and until that time, I know Papa God will celebrate you and love you and take good care of you till we are together again.