“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” Anne of Green Gables

I mostly agree and love this sentiment of Octobers. The weather is often just a bit cool in the mornings making it perfect for those yummy tea lattes and wonderful pumpkin spice drinks. Then the afternoon sun is warm, and it is delightfully satisfying to hear the crunch of the leaves on a city ramble. Or to sit in the park and breathe in deeply the smell of cool breezes, leaves falling, and the blue sky with puffy white clouds. There is nothing quite like the smell of an awesome October afternoon. I want to put it in a candle for the hard days, so I can light the candle while wrapped in a cozy blanket being comforted that there is a time to honor the hard days. To remember that acknowledging the hard or painful moments is healthy.

               October is breast cancer awareness month; it is also the month that my mother passed away from breast cancer. This year it was 35 years since we said “goodbye” to her.

I have been learning a lot these past few years about trauma, loss, and pain; and how it affects us mentally and physically. I used to think of trauma as being an event that happened to me. I have learned that trauma is what happens inside of us after a traumatic event happened. I have also learned that the care given at the time of the traumatic event or moments after the event has a big impact on how much or how deep the trauma goes. Another thing I learned is that trauma can actually rewire our brain, causing much difficulty in connecting with other people, especially if the traumatic event was perceived to have been caused by people. The thing is the trauma teaches our brains – I am not safe.

God created our brains to cause our bodies to react at a moment’s notice to keep us safe. When there is a physical threat to us, we react by fleeing, fighting, or freezing to get away from the danger. Our brain is doing what it was created to do. Our brain will also try to get us to react the same way if it is more of an emotional or mentally traumatic event. Our brain is trying very hard to keep us safe and no matter what the traumatic event we need help to talk about what happened. Also, if we are not cared for and given the opportunity to process the traumatic event, we can begin to believe all kinds of lies and wrong beliefs and react in unhealthy ways. Unprocessed trauma often ends up in an addiction of some kind. Addiction can wear many faces; it is not only drugs, alcohol, or sex. It can be food or games on our phones, pretty much anything to keep our hearts safe and locked up inside of us so we don’t get hurt again.

Amazingly, our brain can be rewired or renewed by what Dr. Caroline Leaf calls Brain Integrity. In my limited knowledge and understanding, it means allowing my words and actions to line up with my beliefs and feelings. Too often I say and do something different from what truly I’m feeling and believing and that creates a dissonance, a disconnection within me. The process of having Brain Integrity looks like taking time to gather the emotions that the amygdala is sending to the mind. While also reflecting on the motivation coming from the thalamus and hypothalamus and the existing memories that are coming from the memory networks. As all this is coming together in the brain, writing the thoughts, feelings, memories, and questions I am gathering and reflecting on is helpful. It is also helpful for me to ask myself, “What am I feeling and why?” “What is my heart believing in this moment?” “What is my reality?” “What truth from God’s Word could I live out with where I am?” As I am aligning my words, actions, beliefs, and feelings it creates a connected-ness instead of the dissonance inside of me, in my brain, mind, and heart. Scripture tells us that “the truth will set you free.” And to “let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” Also “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” As I talk with God and a couple of safe people about the after-effects of the trauma I’ve experienced over the years, I am becoming more aware of how centered and connected I feel inside instead of chaos and crazy feelings. It is a freeing, calming, and peaceful feeling. I’m so thankful for these new dance steps that my Papa God is teaching me and walking me through them. My heart is often overwhelmed as I experience His tender loving care while working through the trauma I have experienced.