…that I’ve/we’ve been on this journey of loss, pain and grief from our accident. It feels like there’s nothing new to say- it’s  the same old story- It’s still incredibly painful…. it hasn’t stopped…it’s still very tiring…there’s still more questions than answers… 

     Yet I’ve become aware of a shift in the past half year or so. It started last fall, I participated in a ladies Bible study. We did a study on spiritual disciplines. The leaders suggested one to do each week but also encouraged us to change it if another one stirred our hearts. The first one that touched my heart was Celebration. I believe the reason my heart was stirred and longed for celebration was that for so very long- almost 8 years to be exact- I wasn’t, couldn’t celebrate. Celebration seems very contradictory to loss, pain and grief. Celebrating seems to be the joyous happy times and not the hard sad days. Celebration sounds like having a good time, enjoying laughter and friendships not struggling through pain and depression. But what if celebration looks more like living from God’s abundance and not from my scarcity, my emptiness and pain? What if celebration is more about who God is than what I’m feeling? What if celebration is more about being honest, real and vulnerable than looking good? What if celebration is being okay worshiping at the altar of lament as well as the altar of praise?

     I discovered these wonderful verses during my Bible study: I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this. The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in  him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. Lamentations 3:20-25 I felt Papa saying, “It’s true, you’ll never forget this awful time, you will continue to grieve all of your losses and pain; YET you can still dare to hope, to trust, to celebrate Me because My love never ends, My faithfulness never stops and My mercies are new and fresh every morning. I will be good to you as you depend on My abundance rather than your scarcity.” I felt my heart getting stretched just a bit bigger again. In one of my grief support groups I found a clip-art trying to illustrate what people think grief over time does and what really happens and I didn’t care for how it was illustrated so I came up with this, which in my opinion shows it better:

 I have felt my heart growing over the years; becoming more okay with the chaos of feelings, the mystery of not understanding how or what or where the journey is taking me. I’m accepting that my journey of loss, pain and grief will never end and I’m learning that I can celebrate with my wonderful Papa God as I keep choosing to dance with Him, to celebrate Him. I believe a big part of my heart growing is holding on to hope, Papa’s hope and is very well expressed in this song, “Promised Land” by TobyMac.

I won’t give up on this race
Broken but I still have faith
That this old life is all part of a plan
And I can feel it in my soul
One day I’ll stand before the throne
With nothing left but hope in these two hands

Through all these seasons, I’m still believin’
You’re my promised land
In all my grievin’ I’m still believin’
You’re my promise land