…we closed the casket on the beautiful face of our young daughter

never to see it again except in pictures, in our memories…

never to hear her girlish giggle again except in our memories….

They told us- as time goes on it’ll change…it’ll get better…it won’t hurt quite as much… Well, maybe six years isn’t long enough for it to change, to get better…but it’s been like forever since I’ve heard her asking, “Will you play a game with me?” “Can we have a tea party?” And the reality is- – I’ll never, ever hear that from her again. The reality for me at this time is- the longer it’s been, the deeper the ache, the stronger the pain as I process the death of my daughter and the multitude of other losses that are connected to our accident and her death. I ask again for the millionth time, “Why, God?” along with dozens of other questions.

This song “Why God?” by Austin French says it so well…
“Give me a faith stronger than I have
I need to know when it hurts this bad
That you hold my heart when it breaks
And I’m not alone in this place.
That’s why God, I need you
Why God, I run to Your arms
Over and over again
It’s, why God, I cling to Your love
And hold on for dear life
And I find you are right by my side
Always right by my side
Even here in the why…God.”

Yet as I continue to ask these questions that have no earthly answer, I realize- – I truly don’t want answers to my questions- -cause answers won’t take away the loss or ease the ache or pain. What I really want is to take my aching, hurting heart to Papa God and experience His strong arms around me as I struggle to once again choose to trust, to choose to believe that in the mystery of His Sovereignty that He is a good God. The reality is my questions hard as they are, as many as they are and as often as I ask them- -they are not a threat to God. He knows who He is and what He’s about and the more I experience Papa God the less threatening my questions feel to me. The deeper my connection to Papa- – the better I know who I am, whose I am and what I’m about. If I lose that connection, that ability to bring my questions, pain, losses and aches, I get so lost and confused. I become very vulnerable to lies Satan wants me to believe and live out of. I’ve also learned that my emotions or feelings are a pretty good indication of what is going on in my heart and it’s a good idea to talk to Papa about them or they will end up being dictators instead of indicators. And I for sure don’t want to allow my emotions to dictate the way I live life. Reacting in anger, distrust, fear or anxiety, I’ve done that too much and too often in my life already. I want my heart to listen for Papa’s gentle voice and to respond to it. I love the song “Remind Me You’re Here” by Jason Gray. It touches my heart deeply and I realize I want nothing more than to experience Papa’s arms around me, guiding my steps, my life as I continue to dance through the storm.