…ago my beautiful eleven year old daughter was buried. And I believe God cried that day because I faintly remember the rain, the cold, the horrible feeling that I’m in some sort of nightmare and I just need to wake up. But I can’t, nothing makes sense, there’s so. much. pain. So much sadness. But I also remember hearing a song being sung about going home, a beautiful land, and I did the only thing I could do- I raised my hand in worship, in longing. For awhile I thought it was a figment of my imagination that I raised my hand, then we watched the memorial service and I could see that I really did raise my hand. And many times since it feels like- that is the only thing I can do…raise my hands in longing, in worship. There’s still pain and lately it seems like the cloud, the shadow of sadness is just so overwhelming, it just won’t go away. And so I do, what it feels like all I’ve done the last 3 years is cry and ask questions. The death of a child causes one to ask questions that one didn’t know even existed till one walks through that valley. But I’ve also come to believe and understand that God doesn’t have a problem with the questions, the pain, and the sadness. He is more concerned about me being honest with my heart and being willing to explore the hidden, locked away pieces of it.

I’ve been reading a book in preparation for a class we’re taking and the one little story in the book revealed a whole new piece in my grieving journey. The story was about a caring friend questioning a man if he felt angry that his father died when he was a young boy and the man was shocked, of course not, my father didn’t die on purpose. But his friend helped him to see all that he lost as a young boy and even what he lost as he grew into a man because his father died. He finally admitted that, yes, he was angry at his dad for dying and in the admitting (confessing) the anger; it lost its power and he was able to forgive his father and his heart was able to feel the loss and pain he experienced through the death of his father. And allowing himself to feel the pain and sadness brought healing to his heart in a whole new way. And my heart was just struck by that story, it was me! Although I hadn’t seen it before. It seems Jennie’s death is allowing me to grieve more deeply the loss of my mother. Then I start feeling guilty and questioning, so did Jennie have to die so I could receive healing? And then I read this in another book, “Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t ever assume that My using something means I caused it or that I needed it to accomplish My purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about Me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.” So once again God met me and spoke to my heart. Thank you Father for being a redeeming Father, for making beauty out of ashes, for dancing in this storm with me.

This song I’ve playing and replaying that past several days. It puts words to what I’ve been feeling and also gives me courage and strength to continue living through the storm because my good good Father is in the storm with me.