Yeah, I know that seems all wrong. It’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”, with all the decorations, gift giving, parties, things to do, all the music and lights, etc. And I’m not too sure we as Christians didn’t fall into the commercialization of Christmas in a “Christian” kind of way. And yet for some of us at times, well let’s be real honest, most of the time it feels like, “the most awful time of the year” instead. We have that shattered dream we’re trying to learn to live without. There’s an empty chair at the table, a bed that has no one to sleep in, or well _______________ you fill in the blank.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes,

“The celebration of Advent is possible only to those troubled in soul,

who know themselves to be poor and imperfect,

and who look foreword to something greater to come.”

And I also give credit to Grief Share for starting me to think differently, in some ways, about Christmas. That Christmas is for those who are hurting and experiencing pain. What is Christmas really about? Why do we have Christmas anyway? And I’m not going to get all theological about it or say it’s at the wrong time of the year or the many other things out there about Christmas. There’s plenty written along those lines. When I think about Christmas as I used to know it, I wonder, “Why do I have to do Christmas when my heart is hurting and I don’t want to hear the music and laughter? When my world has shattered and I don’t know how to put it together again. What do I do with Christmas and how in the world do I survive it, when ‘all things christmas’ feels so shallow, so frivolous, so empty? And so when I stopped to think about Christmas and the real reason we celebrate that day, I began to think I need to change how I do Christmas, how I see Christmas. Christmas is the day we honor the birth of Jesus, the day God came to live among us. Yes, I’ve known that all my life but it’s been since Jennie’s death that it’s really got me to thinking about Jesus’ birth and why He came to earth. Why did He live here 30+ years and die? If Jesus’ only purpose was to die to save us from sin, why didn’t God have His death happen sooner? Like when Jesus was two years old, instead of having Joseph and Mary take Him to Egypt or one of the many other times people were angry enough to kill Him. What if Jesus also came to show us how to live life?  To show us He understands how much our hearts can hurt? To show us what love, grace, mercy and justice, etc. looks like? To show us a Father’s love? To show us who God really is? If you look in the Old Testament at the different times God’s presence was shown to people, their hearts were filled with fear. And God knew that so He came as a baby- who’s afraid of a baby? Listen to this song by Jason Gray. I identify so well with it in many places.

Listen to it again. Let the words of the song sink into your heart.

I’m wondering if a lot of the stuff I do at Christmas is to ease that deep down ache in my heart, the longing to make life here look a little more like the life I was created for, life in the garden. But this isn’t heaven and I shouldn’t try to make heaven on earth. The pictures I see of Christmas or at least what is trying to be portrayed as “Christmas”: people sitting by the fireplace, smiling and singing, good food, gifts, etc; leave me feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. Is there any room for some one who feels like crying instead of laughing? Someone who lost the music to the songs? Someone who wonders, “Where is God in the middle of this shattered dream?”

So what should Christmas look like? I’m not totally sure but somehow manger scenes and all the other “normal” christmassy stuff just doesn’t seem to quite fit. Jesus came to redeem us, to show us the Father, “to do a new thing”. I wonder how Jesus wants us to celebrate His birth, His coming to earth. I wonder if instead of being so busy doing stuff, we should learn how to be still. Instead of looking for all the perfect gifts, maybe we should be looking for Him, and instead of listening to all the holly jolly music, listening with our hearts for His voice. I wonder how often we miss Jesus because He doesn’t look like we think He should. What if He is that family whose loved one died? What if He’s that family who just received earth shattering news? What if He’s that sad-looking person I saw while grocery shopping? What if He’s that disabled person I had to wait on? What if His the child that asks, can you do something with me? What if ____?

 I found this poem on the internet and it touches my heart.

If you look for me at Christmas,

You won’t need a special star.

I’m no longer just in Bethlehem,

I’m right there where you are.

You may not be aware of Me,

Amid the celebrations.

You’ll have to look beyond the stores,

And all the decorations.

But if you take a moment,

From your list of things to do,

And listen to your heart, you’ll find

I’m waiting there for you.

You’re the one I want to be with,

You’re the reason that I came.

And you’ll find Me in the stillness,

As I’m whispering your name.

Love, Jesus