Or maybe He looks like the ones that gave it. Or maybe He looks like the one who painted it. Maybe its a mixture of all three. I’m just so amazed. I didn’t even know I needed this. It feels like most of my posts have been about the sadness, the hardness of grief and loss. But this is about the goodness of God. This gift was supposed to come in time for Jennie’s birthday, but it wasn’t quite ready then. So it was late, actually it wasn’t. It came right on time. It came right after a week of intense pain, anger at God for allowing all our losses, crying, etc. And then this walks in our house. And of course I had to cry some more. And I felt God was saying, “Yes, I know you’re angry at Me and you’re hurting and life is hard but I love you and care about and I am with you every single minute of every single day. I know what you’re facing and I wanted you to know that I know.” God is good! Here is a link to the song these words came from. Isn’t it a most beautiful song?
Yeah, I know that seems all wrong. It’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”, with all the decorations, gift giving, parties, things to do, all the music and lights, etc. And I’m not too sure we as Christians didn’t fall into the commercialization of Christmas in a “Christian” kind of way. And yet for some of us at times, well let’s be real honest, most of the time it feels like, “the most awful time of the year” instead. We have that shattered dream we’re trying to learn to live without. There’s an empty chair at the table, a bed that has no one to sleep in, or well _______________ you fill in the blank.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes,
“The celebration of Advent is possible only to those troubled in soul,
who know themselves to be poor and imperfect,
and who look foreword to something greater to come.”
And I also give credit to Grief Share for starting me to think differently, in some ways, about Christmas. That Christmas is for those who are hurting and experiencing pain. What is Christmas really about? Why do we have Christmas anyway? And I’m not going to get all theological about it or say it’s at the wrong time of the year or the many other things out there about Christmas. There’s plenty written along those lines. When I think about Christmas as I used to know it, I wonder, “Why do I have to do Christmas when my heart is hurting and I don’t want to hear the music and laughter? When my world has shattered and I don’t know how to put it together again. What do I do with Christmas and how in the world do I survive it, when ‘all things christmas’ feels so shallow, so frivolous, so empty? And so when I stopped to think about Christmas and the real reason we celebrate that day, I began to think I need to change how I do Christmas, how I see Christmas. Christmas is the day we honor the birth of Jesus, the day God came to live among us. Yes, I’ve known that all my life but it’s been since Jennie’s death that it’s really got me to thinking about Jesus’ birth and why He came to earth. Why did He live here 30+ years and die? If Jesus’ only purpose was to die to save us from sin, why didn’t God have His death happen sooner? Like when Jesus was two years old, instead of having Joseph and Mary take Him to Egypt or one of the many other times people were angry enough to kill Him. What if Jesus also came to show us how to live life? To show us He understands how much our hearts can hurt? To show us what love, grace, mercy and justice, etc. looks like? To show us a Father’s love? To show us who God really is? If you look in the Old Testament at the different times God’s presence was shown to people, their hearts were filled with fear. And God knew that so He came as a baby- who’s afraid of a baby? Listen to this song by Jason Gray. I identify so well with it in many places.
Listen to it again. Let the words of the song sink into your heart.
I’m wondering if a lot of the stuff I do at Christmas is to ease that deep down ache in my heart, the longing to make life here look a little more like the life I was created for, life in the garden. But this isn’t heaven and I shouldn’t try to make heaven on earth. The pictures I see of Christmas or at least what is trying to be portrayed as “Christmas”: people sitting by the fireplace, smiling and singing, good food, gifts, etc; leave me feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. Is there any room for some one who feels like crying instead of laughing? Someone who lost the music to the songs? Someone who wonders, “Where is God in the middle of this shattered dream?”
So what should Christmas look like? I’m not totally sure but somehow manger scenes and all the other “normal” christmassy stuff just doesn’t seem to quite fit. Jesus came to redeem us, to show us the Father, “to do a new thing”. I wonder how Jesus wants us to celebrate His birth, His coming to earth. I wonder if instead of being so busy doing stuff, we should learn how to be still. Instead of looking for all the perfect gifts, maybe we should be looking for Him, and instead of listening to all the holly jolly music, listening with our hearts for His voice. I wonder how often we miss Jesus because He doesn’t look like we think He should. What if He is that family whose loved one died? What if He’s that family who just received earth shattering news? What if He’s that sad-looking person I saw while grocery shopping? What if He’s that disabled person I had to wait on? What if His the child that asks, can you do something with me? What if ____?
I found this poem on the internet and it touches my heart.
Yesterday I had Jana at the eye doctor. She has been having double vision and headaches at times, and there were times I’d see her eyeballs get shaky or fluttery. Not exactly the medically correct term but I don’t know how else to say it. And I wasn’t exactly wanting to go away yesterday, it was 20 months. And those days are hard. But as always God knows everything. What are the chances that the eye doctor you decide to use, cause its close and your older children used them and liked them; is the only one in Lancaster county that specializes working with brain injury/ eye issues? At least that’s what they said. She said eye therapy would probably help and may change the prescription, so recommended waiting to get glasses to see what eye therapy will do for her. I would guess Jana will still need glasses, it seems our children have inherited their father’s eyes. So it looks like we will be going for eye therapy. Thankfully it can wait til the new year since Jana’s other therapy will be going done to one day a week then. And the eye doctor is only 15 minutes away. The one drawback is they don’t accept our insurance so it will be self pay, but days after our accident God, in a special way, left my dear hubby know that He will take care of us, and He has; so I’m choosing to trust God in this, too.
And today I was at my aunt’s funeral, the first funeral I was at since our daughter’s. Going to viewings and funerals is just not the same as before. I was expecting it to be hard, just not quite as hard as it was. It even rained and I’m pretty sure it was rainy the day of Jennie’s funeral. It just brings back so many memories and makes me realize all over again our losses, our shattered dreams. And again God was there, the pastor said God is bigger than our needs, bigger than any problem we can face. I only need to be aware of His presence in the storm. I was comforted and again reminded God really does know everything about me and loves cares deeply for me. I am His child.
It’s your second birthday in heaven. We miss you. There seems to be no way around it, no getting done missing you. There are days I think it should be better, that missing you shouldn’t hurt so badly but then I think that would mean your life here wouldn’t have mattered and that’s not true. You were important; your life did impact people. There was a reason for your short life here on earth, even though I think it was too short.
I wonder- what would you look like? Would you have started putting your hair up and wearing a veil? I tend to think you would have because you had already started asking questions about it. How tall would you be by now? What kinds of goodies would you have learned to cook and bake? What would you be studying in school? The other month at co-op, I saw your friends, sitting there singing so beautifully, so young and pretty, so alive. And it was like a hard kick in my gut, that’s were you should be sitting singing too. But you’re not, instead you’re in heaven, so young and pretty, so alive. It hurt to not see you with your friends. I cried. I wondered if they miss you, if they remember you, your smile but their life does go on even though at times it feels as though my life has stopped. That is one fear I have that people will forget you lived, forget your smiling face.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hM98oFIrwQA
We again went shopping and filled a shoe box of goodies to ship to another young girl. We decided since we can’t buy you birthday and Christmas gifts we will buy for another young girl.
Not that it really eases the pain or makes it better. But even in our pain to somehow show some little girl somewhere that God does love and care about her and us.
I would like to thank you for your prayers and to ask you to continue remembering us in prayer over the next couple of weeks. The holidays are an especially difficult time for us. Missing Jennie and what could have been.
Some days I feel empty, tired, not wanting to dance in my storm. I’d rather sit in the mud puddle. I feel like Jennie’s memorial garden looks. Empty. Nothing appearing to be growing or changing. Nothing good or beautiful happening.
But I also see in Jennie’s memorial garden the names of our living children. And that speaks hope to me. There is life. There is growing. Yes, it will take time, lots of it, to see what is taking root in their lives but even now I can see some good things taking place.
And I did plant some spring bulbs so I wonder what is happening underground where I can’t see. What are the bulbs doing? Reaching out for life? Dreaming of what they will be someday? It is my understanding that some flower bulbs need the cold of winter to be able to bloom in the spring. And I wonder do I need to go through a cold winter to grow, to bloom in the spring? Do I need to feel the emptiness of myself so I can better experience the fullness of my Father?
I wonder what is happening in my heart that I can’t see. I wonder what God is trying to teach me about Himself. I wonder what God wants me to be aware of about me in the emptiness I feel. Do I really believe: That God is enough? That God is there for me and not against me? That God loves me passionately? That as empty, dead and ugly as everything looks or feels like now, God is working and in His time He will reveal the thing of beauty that He is making? And just as I need to have faith and believe that come spring I will have beautiful flowers; I need to believe, to choose to trust that God is doing something beautiful and in His time I will see and understand. Although it may take a lifetime, not till I reach my Heavenly Home that I will be able to see the beauty that He making. And can I be ok with the mystery- that I don’t have to understand what is happening? Can I rest in Him, trusting that He is in control and He really does know what is happening in my life? I wonder if dancing sometimes is sitting quietly and pondering? Thinking about what is in my heart and asking God to help me know what is in my heart and to be brave enough to put words to what I’m feeling. I invite you to sit quietly and ponder what God is doing in the emptiness, in the cold of winter.
In becoming aware of, that deep longing inside of me to dance in the storm, I had and still have a lot of questions. How do you dance in the storm? What does it look like to dance? What does it mean to dance when I don’t even feel like dancing? And isn’t dancing somehow wicked or at least worldly? Not something a really good Christian would do.
So I went to the dictionary and it says dancing is: to leap, skip, etc as from excitement or emotion: move nimbly or quickly. A picture that comes to my mind is: a sweet innocent young girl freely twirling and lifting her arms in openness and freedom.
But too often I don’t see myself as that. I see or feel instead heaviness, sadness even pain. I can’t lift my arms in openness. Instead I sit in the mud puddle huddled tight, closed in. Wishing, longing to be free, to be able to dance. But not being able to.
So when feeling like that, how do I dance in life’s storms? There are a couple things that I became aware of or maybe finally understood better and that has helped me to be able to dance in my storm. So will you see me skipping and leaping about? Hardly, my injuries in our accident have prevented that. For me, it is more about what my heart feels, what I believe about God, Jesus and myself. It is being willing to be honest, to ask questions and look for answers, yet not demand answers. It is about worship.
One of the most important pieces in this journey for me was the realization that Jesus died to heal my pain and to forgive my sins. I knew for years that Jesus died to forgive my sins and save me from hell. But I don’t ever remember hearing that He died for my healing. Isaiah 53:4 says Jesus bore our griefs, sickness, weakness and distress and carried our sorrows and pain. Verse 5 says He was pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our guilt and iniquities. The picture I was given was that Jesus spread His one arm out to heal my pain and the other arm to forgive my sins.
I find it interesting to notice that God put about healing our pain before forgiving our sins. Could it be that I can’t really grasp what it means to have my sins forgiven if my heart is full of pain? I think so- – I stood at revival meetings as a young teen hoping to get rid of the awful feeling I had inside of me. I prayed the usual sinner’s prayer, “I’m sorry I sinned, please forgive me and take away my sin.” And it helped for a couple of days but it didn’t take long for that churning, swirling feeling to come back, the wondering what is my life really about? Who am I? Why am I even here on this earth?
I hadn’t asked Jesus to heal my hurting heart. I don’t think I even knew my heart was hurting. I had no words for what I was feeling and even if I had, I think I would have denied it. By then I had been experienced some deep, painful wounds and had learned to deny my feelings. It was too scary to be open. I don’t think I even trusted Jesus or God. I didn’t have a true picture of who He really is. And that is something I’d like to explore in another post. But I remember the feeling that washed over me when I understood that Jesus died to heal me. I was shocked, stunned. Jesus really died to heal this broken, hurting heart. And yet because of what I thought about Jesus, I wasn’t too sure I wanted Him quite that close. It felt too risky, too intimate. I wasn’t sure it would be safe to invite Him in. But I am so grateful God kept pursuing me, kept trying to show me who He really is. That He kept drawing my heart to His, wanting me to learn to dance in the storm.
I invite you to allow Jesus to heal your pain and I realize that might feel like a scary, unsafe thing to do, especially if your picture of Jesus is similar to how I saw Him. So maybe, if you can just be willing, to think about inviting Jesus to heal your hurting heart.
I found out something rather interesting the other day. Due to the severity of my brain injury, I should have been put into a medically induced coma for some time after our accident, but because of the other massive injuries my body suffered they couldn’t. The doctors said my body needed to feel the pain (of the other 20 injuries) to be able to heal. Think about that! My body needed to feel pain in order to heal. Totally amazing, I think.
I know- I know we resist pain. We don’t like pain. We don’t want to experience pain, but could it be- – pain is good? Beneficial? Could it be pain is trying to tell us something?
If God made our physical bodies that way, could it also be that for us to be emotionally and spiritually healthy, we need to allow ourselves to feel pain in order to heal? I’ve been reading and learning a lot. God has made us three part beings. And those three parts work together quite a bit. Meaning when one part of us is not well it affects the other two parts of us as well.
What does it look like to feel emotional pain? Spiritual pain? I have come to believe that our emotional and spiritual health run on the same track, similar to joy and pain. It has been said we will only experience joy to the same level we allow ourselves to feel pain. And in the same way we can only be as spiritually strong as we are emotionally healthy. So what does it look like to allow myself to feel pain emotionally? Spiritually? One thing I’ve learned is that I have to admit I suffer loss, lots of them. We live in a broken world. It was not the way God really wanted us to live. I have to be willing to honestly look at myself, my heart.
We were created with longings, to dream dreams but sometimes life shatters those dreams. What am I going to do when my dreams shatter? Grin and bear it? Or become a tough girl? Or am I going to pick up those pieces of shattered dreams and feel the sharp edges and allow it to penetrate my heart? Allow it to cut my soul? Am I going to allow myself to mourn, to grieve those shattered dreams? Am I going to admit that my dreams shattered? If I never allow myself to have dreams, they can’t shatter. And just as shattered glass can cut your skin as you clean it up, causing pain and bleeding so do shattered dreams.
And my experience has been that not grieving, not mourning is a lot more painful, a lot worse than being honest with God and yourself. Not allowing yourself to feel the pain, the anger, the disappointment, not grieving well the shattered dreams I experience leads to depression. I know; I’ve been there.
And spiritual pain? I have to come to the realization there is not one. single. thing. I can do to fix what’s wrong between God and me. No amount of rules I obey, no amount of good things I do, nothing I do can make me good enough. Jesus has done it for me on the cross; all I can do is accept His gift. And allow my heart to feel the awesomeness, the magnitude of that gift. A. W. Tozer says, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” And I’ve been thinking a lot about that. And I’ve decide it’s the most important thing because I will act out of what I believe about God, who or what I think or perceive God to be.
The truth is I’m still healing physically. When I stop and think about where I was March 31, 2014, more dead than alive, (as my dear children say) and where I was a year ago. I was finishing up therapy and just started driving again, (on the back country roads), so truly, really I have come a long way. It’s just I wanted life to be back to “normal” sooner than it is, yeah, impatient, I know. As I told one friend I’m hanging onto the hope that I will some day feel better than I do now at times. I’m trying to obey my daughter who tells me to be kind to myself but I admit it feels so wrong- – it seems we’ve traded places; she does a majority of the work around the house now. It feels so unfair, she had surgery too and yet she feels so much better than I do a lot of the time. Granted she wasn’t beat up quite like I was. But it is one of my shattered dreams; I was not going to have my girls doing most of the housework, like I did, with my mother’s sickness and death. Yes, I was going to teach them how to do all the stuff she does, I just wanted her to be the helper. Not the one doing most of the work. So what do I do with this shattered dream? How do I see God through this shattered dream? I do grieve the loss of my ability to work like I used to, some days I cry, sometimes I journal, which are correct response, some days I’m a grump and think how much better I could have done it, had I still been me, which is a sinful response and sometimes I just have a deep, deep longing for heaven. And on my journey I have come to believe, to see God as my perfect Father that He loves me passionately and deeply cares for me. And He wants to be there holding me in this storm if I am willing to allow myself to just be held, to be quiet and rest in Him and not try to be strong and keep it together myself.
I invite you to be aware of your shattered dreams and to allow our Father to hold you as you grieve those shattered dreams.
In my next post, I would like to start exploring how I learned to dance in the storm.
Years ago I read this quote on a church sign, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain.” It struck a chord in my heart. I think, because I was longing to dance but didn’t have a clue as to what that looked like. And the storm seemed pretty awful then, the rain was pouring down and the wind whipping away my ability to think- – to even see God through the storm.
It has been quite a few years since I first read that quote and in some ways feels it feels like the storm has reached hurricane strength and yet in all honesty it doesn’t feel quite as awful as it did years ago. And I believe it is because not only have I learned to dance in the storm but my Father, My God is right there dancing with me.
So I invite you to journey through the storms in your life. And my heart’s desire is that you too will become aware of your Father God holding you as you learn to dance in your storm.
