An Update

Posted on January 18, 2017 by RoseAnn

It’s been a couple of months since my last update and it seems like lots has happened in that time.

Jana got her new shoes and brace. She was quite thrilled with both of them. She liked the better support her new brace gives her and then on Sunday she sheared off one of the bolts! So it’s back to her old brace till we get it fixed which hopefully won’t take too long.

Jana has been going to a care center for disabled people of any age one day a week. They receive one on one care and while there do a variety of activities: singing, crafting, school work and exercise time. The other week her group and another group went to sing for one of the caregiver’s grandma. Jana had made a card for her in craft time to give her. Each week Jana eagerly looks forward to her day at the care center.

JoAnn had another MRI done and the doctor says nothing has changed, yet he did set up another appointment with another specialist..So need-less to say we are a bit worried – – wondering, “What does our/her future hold?” JoAnn is also going back into the working world. She is a caregiver for elderly people. Right now she is on an “on call” part-time basis but after we get moved and settled in she is planning to go full-time with regular clients.

And yes, that’s the other big news and change in our future. We are buying a house! We are scheduled to have settlement the end of January. We found a smaller house in Lancaster City. So we’ve been going through and getting rid of some things, trying to simplify. When I think of myself not too make years ago, the city is one place I thought I’d never move to. It’s amazing how time and circumstances can change your plans and ideas. We are hoping to move in May after JoAnn and Justin both get home from SMBI in March. There is a little bit of work we would like to do to the house, mostly painting and putting in carpet, before we move in. I am trying to carefully plan how much I do as I still struggle with fatigue and pain a lot of the time. I also don’t do well with a lot of stress, so I try to keep reminding myself to plan and also to listen to my body and not overdo it. It once again brings the evidence so clearly to mind how much our lives have changed the last 3 years. And I keep finding bits and pieces of Jennie as I go through things; her name in her just learning-to-write cursive on a scrap of paper, her story books, etc. And I feel that familiar stab of pain, of missing her, of longing to see her smiling face and hear her giggle. I wonder what she’d say about living in the city. Yet through the pain I feel the Father’s love and care as I imagine her in His arms, in complete contentment, joy and peace as she waits for us to join her.

Merry Christmas, Jennie

Posted on December 25, 2016 by RoseAnn

It’s your 3rd Christmas in heaven. And as Mark Schultz sings, “It’s a different kind of Christmas this year.” I think every Christmas will be different from now on. There will always be the questions, the wanderings, in our hearts even if we don’t say them. I struggle to put words to all that’s swirling in my heart. But I want to do as Toby Mac sings, “Let’s open up our hearts to embrace this moment, for Christmas this year.” An open heart will allow me to experience, not only the joy, peace and excitement of the season, but also the pain and sadness of missing your smiling face and life as it used to be.

We’ve done most of our normal Christmas traditions. True some were seriously modified, like we only baked two kinds of cookies instead of the usual eight to ten we used to do. And one of our new traditions the past three years was to wrap 24 Christmas story books and starting December 1 we unwrap one book each day and read the story. The story the other day really touched my heart and I cried as I read the story. It was titled Josie’s Gift by Kathleen Long Bostrom. It was the story of a young girl’s first Christmas after the death of her father. She was remembering the different things her father said and did. One of his saying over Christmas was, “Christmas is not about what we want; it’s about what we have.” But she was wanting more than she had; she wanted her father to be back, for life to be like it used to be. Christmas wasn’t about what she had; it was all about what was missing this year. And I can so well identify with her feelings.

But I’ve been really pondering her dad’s saying: Christmas is not about what we want but about what we have. What do I have this Christmas?

~ Pain and tiredness true but then we enjoyed baking those cookies together;

We stayed home and painted pictures,

Made a gingerbread nativity.

~ We miss Jennie but we talked about her and Christmas in heaven and “Does it snow in heaven?” and many other questions about heaven. There was laughter and tears.

~ Peace – a deep down in my heart peace that I will be okay in this storm because my Father loves me passionately and is for me not against me and I can trust Him.

~ Hope – My Father has promised me heaven and I think since there’s a piece of me in heaven that’s what makes me long for heaven so badly some days. I never realized you could miss something you never had but I do.

And yet the more I ponder that saying; I think it’s actually wrong. Christmas is all about what we want, although not in the childish way her dad was thinking. But most of us are still very child-like in thinking if only I can get what I want: that money raise, that new car, a bigger house or well you fill in the blank, and then I can make life work, then life will be better. Most of don’t want to open our hearts and look deeply enough into them to really understand what it is we really want. The truth is I do want more than I have this Christmas. I want heaven. We all do. And what we all want is only possible because of Christmas. Because that is when God became one of us to make it possible for us to live with Him in a perfect world, forever. The following song is one of my favorites this Christmas season sung by Stars Go Dim. The phrase “Our God knows our deepest need, And comes to bring us back to him” speaks to me of how deeply and passionately God loves me and Christmas shows far He was willing to go to bring me back to Him.

Suffering

Posted on December 13, 2016 by RoseAnn

I know I wrote how God is enough here but sometimes it almost seems that well maybe He isn’t. The past weeks I’ve been going through the posts and updates that were put on Caring Bridge in the days following our accident. I had never read through them before. I’m still not done going through them. It’s hard and rather difficult. It brings back some very painful moments and memories. I’m not sure how we survived. God was very much carrying us. I remember thinking back then, “I can’t wait till this pain is gone, till I’m back to my normal self”. But guess what- I’m still living with pain and I’ve totally lost “my normal self”. True the intensity of the physical pain is nowhere near what it had been. Yet the emotional/mental pain seems to be just as bad as it was and since I no longer have the physical pain to distract me; it makes some days difficult. It’s that ongoing, nagging, irritating physical pain along with the emotional pain- -make some of my days rather pain filled which almost drive me crazy. Will it never end? Suffering and pain, especially long-term, drive us to desperation. In my pain, I become desperate, wanting something, anything to ease the pain, to stop or take away the pain. In my desperation, where do I go? Do I turn to my Father or do I allow bitterness to grow? Do I allow myself to struggle with God allowing pain and suffering? Or do I try to Christianize it? Do I just want to get out of my suffering or do I try to see Jesus through, even in my suffering? We may never understand the reason we suffer, the reason we go through some of this pain. But could it be one way God is pursuing us? True it seems like God’s got it all wrong; how can suffering and pain draw us to Him? But remember how desperate we become in pain and we need to remember God is in the pain with us. Yes, suffering and pain at times blocks our ability to see God but that doesn’t mean He isn’t there. And it seems that an all-powerful God wouldn’t allow such horrible stuff to happen to us, especially those who are doing their best to live for Him. But there is more to my suffering, than just the story of my suffering; it is part of God’s larger story. In our suffering and pain it is so easy to become so focused on me and my story and forget we aren’t the center piece. God is. Even though He is the Author of the story, He is also the Hero in the story. God the Father planned a way to restore us to Himself, for us to have an intimate relationship with Him through having His Son come to this earth. And why did Jesus come to this earth? To show us how to love and to suffer. Jesus, because of His passionate love for us, suffered the ultimate suffering and it wasn’t even for His benefit. He suffered for me- to bridge that chasm between God and me. Larry Crabb says in one of the Grief Share videos, “You can always trust the Man who died for you.” And that just gripped my heart deeply. Even though I do not begin to understand why God allowed painful things to happen to me, I also realize those things were never His desire, His dream for me. But can I trust Him to make beauty out of it? Can I allow myself to rest in the fact that someday He will make all things new? Can I be okay with the never-ending longing for something more and realize that I’m longing for heaven? And not try to make heaven here, but to be willing to keep an open heart and hand as I journey through this life. And to realize, I was made for a totally different world that the one I am currently living in. As Charles Spurgeon wrote, “Nothing teaches us about the preciousness of the Creator as much as when we learn the emptiness of everything else.” And even though I have lots of questions and I don’t understand what God is doing; yes I still believe God IS enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l3CEMWCxSk

Happy 14th Birthday, Jennie

Posted on November 24, 2016 by RoseAnn

It’s your third birthday in heaven. We still miss you desperately. We ache with longing to see your smiling face, to hear you sing once more, to give you one more hug.

I found the following picture saying on Facebook and it says it so well.

I know its also Thanksgiving Day but the holidays just aren’t the same as before. Yes, I am deeply grateful to Jesus and for all He’s done, knowing how He much He suffered makes it possible for me to continue walking this difficult journey. He is not asking me to do what He hasn’t done. Jesus is my hope, someday I will see Jennie again. It just seems like forever.

Update

Posted on October 25, 2016 by RoseAnn

The past several weeks have been filled with various doctor appointments. The first one was with Jana’s orthopedic doctor and she is still recommending surgery on Jana’s foot. The doctor is thinking of doing a tendon transfer and cord lengthening in which she is hoping – we could then get rid of most of the shoe modifications. Jana would still need a brace. The actual surgery doesn’t seem to difficult or hard to do. It’s the recovery and intense therapy sessions afterward that look so overwhelming to us. We were also with the eye doctor and he is very pleased with how Jana’s eyes have responded to therapy. He sent us home on vacation for six months, Jana is to just use her eyes and not worry about doing therapy. That was exciting news for us. We took her to Hershey for more BOTOX shots in her arm and that doctor is pleased with how her arm and hand are getting into a better, a more natural position. We had Jana to Schreiber for a physical therapy evaluation. Jana was losing her balance more lately and so what she needs are new shoes, modifications and a new brace. She’s quite excited about getting new shoes. Wearing the same footwear for a year gets kinda old. So she’s keeps asking, “when can we go shopping?” She also does not need to go back for more therapy, they feel she has come as far as she is going to. It’s now keeping what she has and that can be done through her in home exercise program and having occasional evaluations. We also found out good news from several different places lately as well and while we are excited about hearing the good news, it also means there are lots of decisions to be made about our future. So if you remember, would you pray that we could be sensitive to God’s leading and that our brains would be able to think clearly through all the decisions we have to make.

The other evening I had to go away and as I was driving, I noticed the beautiful sunset so I called home to my dear hubby and asked if he would be so kind and take some pictures for me. And he did but they just don’t do justice to the beauty of the sunset. It was so beautiful, so calming and restful. It reminded me so much of Jennie. It was the perfect shades and combination of pink and yellow. It would have been a sunset she would have wanted to try to paint with her watercolors. It was also the day after the 27th year anniversary of my mother’s death and I couldn’t help by wonder if my mother and daughter weren’t up there in heaven helping God paint that spectacular sunset just for me.

It’s for real…

Posted on October 6, 2016 by RoseAnn

It’s carved in stone. Yes, I have known Jennie died but seeing your child’s name, birth date and death date carved in granite does something to your heart. I’m not sure I have the words to put to the emotions, the feelings in my heart. It’s hard evidence of shattered dreams, of living out a painful reality– our child has gone before us. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We shouldn’t have had to spend months looking at designs, fonts and options and more options. Trying to imagine our child’s name in this or that font with this design or that design. And there were times I just wanted to grab all those papers and throw everything in the trash and scream, ‘No this is so wrong!” But the reality is- we did it. we finally decided on a design that would honor Jennie. And yet through the pain, through the hard decisions I felt, I sensed, God my Father there saying, “I’m hurting with you. It’s not what I wanted either.” And then I had to wonder. What did God want? He made us creatures of choice. And He wanted us to choose Him but instead we chose to question Him, to believe He was keeping something from us. And in one sense He was; He was keeping death, pain and suffering away. It was never His plan, His will for us to experience death, pain and suffering. But we chose to eat of the tree of knowledge instead of the tree of life. Yeah, I know it was Adam and Eve who actually did it, but I’m not much different from them. And God couldn’t stop the consequences of the choices that were made; so we live in a world of death, pain and suffering. But God had a plan for redemption and through Jesus’ work on the cross we can be redeemed. And that is what I hang on to- -day after day- – knowing that God is making beauty out of ashes and will turn my mourning into joyful dancing. And some day we will live in the beautiful world we were created for.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Posted on September 20, 2016 by RoseAnn

Several weeks ago one Sunday morning, Janessa was looking at a family picture I have in our room taken when she was about six months old taken at her baby dedication. She said, “I wish we could fast-forward- -NO! I mean fast backward to that time. And then you wouldn’t go away in the night and have an accident. Then Jennie wouldn’t have died and Jana wouldn’t be broken and all our dreams wouldn’t have broken either.” I was almost speechless. I managed to say, “I know dear, it would be nice to be able to redo it but this is where we are. We’ll have to dream new dreams.” But as young as she is, she sounded so like an old tired little lady, sighing deeply she said, “But it’s so hard to dream new dreams.”

I hear you little girl; dreaming new dreams is very hard when your dreams have been broken, shattered. And how do you even begin to dream again when all that you knew, your world has been shattered? When the life you had, is nothing like the life you are now living?

While I still have more questions than answers and I’m not too sure that I’ve begun to dream well again-yet. I think I’m starting to dream again. I get glimpses of the flicker, the longing, the wanting to dream again. Yet there are the questions… Is it safe to dream again? What if my dreams get broken again? Can I even dream again? – Life is so hard and I’m so tired. – Is it even worth trying to dream again? And if I don’t dream again my dreams can’t be shattered, I won’t have any to shatter.

So why dream new dreams? Dreaming again shows healing, speaks of life. One thing that I am coming to a deeper understanding of is – acceptance is a huge part in being able to dream again. I need to accept where I am, to be okay with the fact I can’t do as much as I used to do or even do as much as I would like to do. But acceptance seems to be an elusive thing- – some days I feel I have accepted how my life has changed and I am bold and ask for help or I let people know how they can help us. And then there are days when I am resistant to the changes, to the pain. I wish things were different. I’m a grouch because the house is dirty and the flowerbeds are not flowering; they are full of weeds. And I desperately miss Jennie’s smiling face, her cheery voice and helping hands. And I wish we go back to the life we used to know.

What does acceptance look like? And how do I accept my new life? Acceptance is not a passive thing, where I just say, “Okay, whatever, it will be fine. God is in control.” Acceptance does not mean my heart is disengaged or silenced. Acceptance means my heart is alert and very aware of the journey I am on. It also includes that I am very aware of and know what my losses are and have grieved well those losses. I have to grieve the life I had to be able to accept the life I now have. And to grieve well I need to be aware of what I lost. It sometimes feels like an ever maddening circle, and I’m only getting dizzy and barely surviving instead of accepting my new life and thriving. I also wonder if acceptance might also includes knowing Who my Father is and what His heart is towards me; being willing to grapple with my questions about life and even God, yet not demanding an answer or not trusting God’s sovereignty; being willing to keep an open tender heart even though it feels most dangerous and unsafe to do. Maybe acceptance looks more like a fierce fight or struggle than a quiet “I’ll just give up and hope it all turns out okay” attitude. Maybe it’s also being okay with mystery; the mystery of how God can use this brokenness and pain, an ugly mess and make something of beauty from it. Thank you Father for being a Redeemer.

Summer Fun

Posted on August 27, 2016 by RoseAnn

This summer we didn’t have near as many appointments as the last two summers so I decided it’s the year to do a few fun things. The girls made ice cream one warm day.

It tasted quite yummy and they didn’t get any salt in the ice cream.

Jodi baked a lots of goodies for us and we made “mud and worms pudding”, too. 🙂

Our neighbors’ whole family went away for an evening and they invited us to use their pool. It felt so good to be in the cool water after a hot day and Janessa was so delighted to be able to go in the deep part and not drown.

We did one of our yearly traditions and found caterpillars to grow and hatch.

A friend brought us a picnic lunch and I made our picnic table summer festive. It was fun and the food tasted so good. I think eating outside makes anything taste better.

Joe took the girls for pony rides. They were quite delighted.

We did some crafts, colored pictures and read a lot of books. I’m almost embarrassed to admit we read one whole Boxcar Children book in one day, but when I remember all the missed reading times over the last two years; I have decided its perfectly okay to do that. We painted sun-catchers, sewed felt kittens and simply enjoyed a relaxing summer. Even so Jennie was never far from my mind and heart. I think (or at least hope) I’m learning how to live with pain intermingling in with everything I do, everywhere I go. Yes, there are times the pain is so overwhelming and it slips down my cheeks as tears, and its also quite a challenge to live well in the tension of feeling pain and joy simultaneously.

Following God into a Storm??

Posted on August 9, 2016 by RoseAnn

Did you know being obedient to God’s leading can take you right into a battle, right into a storm? Here are a few more of my thoughts (hopefully they have not scattered too badly) from the Pursuit of the Promised Land Bible Study by Marie Monville.

For the Israelites to get into their promised land they needed to fight some battles, they had work to do, lots of hard work. They were following God’s command to Joshua to conquer and live in the land God had promised to Abraham. And also the disciples were told by Jesus to get into their boat and cross to the other side of the lake. And while they were still “far from land, a strong wind had risen and they were fighting heavy waves” Luke 14:22. Jesus knew that storm was going to come but yet He still told them to go to the other side of the lake. And the disciples obediently did as Jesus told them. I wonder what the disciples were thinking when they were in that storm. “Jesus told us to do this and now here we are in the middle of a storm, maybe we’ll drown! Why did Jesus tell us to go with the storm coming? Surely He knew what was coming. What was He thinking?”
The Israelites, like the disciples, were doing what Jesus told them to and what did they encounter? Battles, storms, and hard stuff. What am I to do with that? I follow God and end up in a storm? a battle? One thing I think God wants us to realize is that difficult circumstances do not mean that He is punishing us. Maybe like the Israelites needing to walk quietly around Jericho; God wants me to walk quietly with Him, to allow Him to fight the battle? Maybe He needs my quietness so He can speak into someone’s heart? Like maybe my very own heart? Maybe like the disciples, after trying their best to get to the other side of the lake and then being scared out of their wits by Jesus, they were ready to accept Jesus’ help; God is wanting me to give it my best and be willing to accept help.
Another thing I think God wants us to realize is that He often uses the “least likely” like Rahab, she was a prostitute but she hid Joshua’s spies and as long as she put the red cord in her window and stayed in her house she would be safe when they conquered Jericho. And Rahab also looked out for her family even though they may have looked down on her, held her life style against her. Rahab was a prostitute but God used her right where she was, living in sin. Even in our sin God is merciful with us. There were times as the Israelites were going into battle Joshua didn’t seek God’s leading, he went ahead and did it his way. And they ended up at places they never would have if they had only asked God first. But God came through and fought for them even though they were in a place they shouldn’t have been. They were in a wrong place because of the wrong choices they made but still God held the sun and moon in place till the battle was won. And I believe God wants to do the same for me- fight my battles but too often I’m afraid He’ll take me out instead of my enemy. Why is it so hard for me to believe that God is for me and not against me? Why is it so hard to trust that God is looking out for me? Maybe I need to learn to know who God really is, how God truly feels about me.
And I have a hard time believing Rahab continued her life as a prostitute after her encounter with God. When we have an encounter with God it very often changes us and maybe that is another reason God allows the storms, the battles- so our eyes, our hearts will open towards Him. So we can really know who we are and who God really is- – a good, good Father who loves and cares for us passionately and is longing to have a close, living relationship with us. For us to know He’s there dancing in the storm with us.

The fairy garden I made today in the workshop I attended at Ken’s Gardens.

Grief Comes Back with a Vengeance

Posted on July 12, 2016 by RoseAnn

I had been working on a different blog post but all those thoughts are scattered to the winds of grief. I thought I was finally getting a handle on this grieving thing. Yes, it hurts just as much if not more than it used to, but it seemed my emotions were stronger. I wasn’t crying as much, I felt calmer in my spirit. I was thinking “We will survive. We can make it.” But Sunday morning, they sang Jennie’s song at church and the dam broke again. I started crying and I haven’t stopped crying much since. Yes, at Grief Share we were told to prepare for the hard days, to be aware of the grief trigger points, the holidays, the anniversaries, etc. And sure there are some things you can think through and prepare yourself, but how was I to know they would sing that song? How could I prepare for that? I never saw it coming. I’m sure the song leader had no clue what memories that song would evoke, what feelings would be felt again. I feel like I’m back in those first weeks of intense pain and raw grief. And all the crying sure doesn’t improve the head ache issues. And my poor little girls don’t know quite what to do with me. One says, “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” the other one hugs me and pats my arm and say, “It’ll be okay mommy.” Which only, of course, brings more tears. So need-less to say its been a rough couple of days. It’s been hard to see God and I keep asking, “God, where are you?” And I can’t feel anything but pain and I can’t see anything through the tears running down my face. But this song says it about right…

“Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.” “My only hope is to trust in You.”

As a prayer request and I don’t even know what to ask for but we are really struggling with things. A variety of things. All I will say is, I’m not the only one with a brain injury and each brain injury is very unique and causes unique side effects. So with three of us having brain injuries on differing levels and effects, it leaves us in an extremely overwhelming situation.

Choosing to Dance in the Storm

My thoughts on learning to dance in life's storms