Seeing Myself

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I wonder if how I see God hinges a lot on how I believe God sees me, or maybe how I see myself. What does God think of me? What do I think of myself? If I don’t see myself as having any value, why would I believe Jesus died for me? We have value to Jesus even as sinners. I believe He sees what we could be – what we were meant to be – living in Eden… a beautiful, perfect life. But we aren’t in Eden anymore, we are living in a broken world where Satan has taken everything God has made good and beautiful and twisted it and came up with a counterfeit for it. And we try our very best to either kill our longings or to control them or Christianize them but never look too deeply at what our hearts are truly longing for because we fear we can’t have what we want.

For a long time I questioned, why am I here? Am I loved, wanted? I didn’t believe I had any worth. I wasn’t much more than trash. I was ashamed and filled with shame because of what had happened to me. I was sure if I could have somehow been “good enough” I wouldn’t have been abused. I could have somehow prevented bad stuff from happening to me. After all “God is great and God is good” and good stuff happens to good people, bad stuff happens to bad people. And then in church we’d sing that song, something about Jesus dying for such a worm as I. And I thought “yeah right, who dies for worms?” I sure wouldn’t. But I don’t feel much different than a worm looks. Slimy and gross, crawling around in the mud and muck, feeling dirty, ugly and used; so why would Jesus die for me? I’m crying now as I remember those feelings of worthlessness, ugliness, and my empty hurting heart. I’m crying for that lonely sad girl wishing she could have known how much she was loved and cared for by Jesus. I wish I would have known the Jesus I know now, but I also realize my heart had its own journey of healing to take and healing can take a long long time.

But what if I saw myself as God sees me? What if my heart was and is beautiful? What if God saw me as a special unique child of His? So I starting looking for answers to those questions and many more and the more answers I found, the more questions I had. And the deeper I went the more I became aware of this mystery about God and who He is. The more I learned, the more there is to learn and some questions won’t have answers till we meet Him face to face. I realized too for my heart to be able to really “get it” I’d have to be vulnerable and trust God and have faith in His promises but trusting is not a safe thing to do. Trusting means people take advantage of you, they hurt you. But trusting God is vastly different than trusting people. Yet I think we learn to trust God by first experiencing trust in people which is why it’s so important for us as Christians to look in our hearts and allow God to heal the broken places so we can be very intentional about showing Christ as accurately as we can to the people in our world.

Trust is the opposite of fear. But I will only trust to the same level that I allow myself to experience God’s love. How do I allow my heart to open and experience God’s love? By embracing and being honest with what I’m experiencing in my heart. I have asked God to come and live in my heart and so to know God better, more deeply I need to go where He is and that is looking into my heart and what’s in there. I’m not sure how or why it works but it seems the more honest and open I am with myself and talk to God about what I’m feeling, the more I experience God and His love. Maybe the emptier my heart is of fear, distrust, anxiety and anger there’s more room for God and His love.

Summer Fun & An Update

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We got to experience some fun new things this summer. Moving to the city gave us the opportunity to enjoy some different and relaxing activities. We’ve also been doing a lot more walking to places. I have decided its easier to walk then to try to parallel park.

We enjoyed an almost weekly picnic and story-time in the city park across from our house

An almost weekly walk to the library.

We spent a wonderful relaxing weekend at our favorite cabin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fishing and Boating

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joe took the girls bowling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We went mini-golfing for the first time and decided its something we want to do again.

 

 

 

 

 

We went to Strasburg Railroad.

 

We got our elegant recliner chairs and they are very comfortable.

 

We had a very lovely tea party at a friend’s house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We enjoyed a picnic and leisurely stroll around Greenfield Park.

 

Jana had another Physical Therapy evaluation done. And the therapist recommended all new braces and night-time equipment as well as doing one session, which is 12 weeks, of therapy to make sure the equipment works like it should and to fine tune her walking. So we will once again be doing a weekly therapy run. I was a bit surprised at the feelings of unrest, worry, scared-ness, even disappointment rising up in my heart with the therapy recommendation. I guess your body never forgets the hard, the stress. I want to sound all Christian and positive and tell myself, “At least its only 12 weeks. At least you have only a 15 minute drive rather than an hour.” Which its all true but what if God wants to heal more of the trauma in my heart that came because of our accident? What if God wants my heart to experience more of Him, more freedom? I believe if I want to experience His love and care; I also need to allow my heart to feel, to experience the pain life brings my way.

 

Seeing God

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“There’s a place where fear has to meet the God you know.”

What kind of God do I know? How do I know God?  How have I experienced God? And does it really matter or make a difference? I strongly believe it does. A. W. Tozer says, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” And that for me was another important piece in learning how to dance in my storm.  What did I think about God? And what do I now think about God? Grieving and facing my fears really has helped me “see” God in a whole different new light. It has become a passion, maybe a burden too, I want everyone to know God, to experience Him as I have come to know and experience Him. Yes, I realize God meets each one of us in a unique and personal way and that you can’t really experience God as I have because your story is different from mine.  But if in telling my story helps someone to see, to understand God more clearly, then I want to be willing to risk being vulnerable, open, honest and real.

For most of my life I saw God as this distant, un-involved, even maybe angry being. I needed to be sure I did everything right and followed all the rules and don’t ask questions. There was a lot of anger, distrust and fear in my heart. I also had a big misunderstanding about how God felt about me and His plans and desires for me, for my life. As a young teen I was told “It was God’s will that your mother died.” And I thought “I’m not so sure I like a god who plans my mother’s death. If he planned that, did He plan the abuse that happened, too?” And the fear and distrust of God in my heart just went deeper and I decided since there are only two options: heaven or hell, I’ll hopefully do just enough good to keep out of hell. Because hell did sound a lot worse than heaven, yet did I really want to spend forever with a God who planned awful stuff to happen to me? Such confusing thoughts, better not think too deeply about such things. Maybe the best thing would be to not think at all, to just do, obey all the rules, make sure I look like a good Christian, like I have it together and go from one good party to the next. I certainly didn’t think I really wanted to learn to know too deeply the God I thought He was or heard He was.But what if I was wrong? What if God wasn’t and isn’t like that at all? What if I hadn’t been given accurate statements about God? What if the God I knew didn’t exist? Through quite a long journey, of many years, tears and questions, I started to realize that some of the messages my heart heard about God where not accurate. God DID NOT plan all the bad things that happened. God NEVER even wanted bad stuff to happen to His people. It all started when that snake tempted Eve and she chose the tree of knowledge instead of the tree of life and the consequences of that choice. And the more I learned about God, the more I longed to know Him, to experience Him. It was in November 2013 that I had my first head-on collision with God and I’ve never been the same since. A lot of healing happened in my heart in that moment and I felt a freedom I never knew was possible. Then in March 2014 I had another collision with God, literally and figuratively, that collision also changed me forever. It put to test all the ideas and beliefs I had about God and the way I saw Him. A lot of them failed but I was learning to know a God I hadn’t realized existed. I was experiencing a different kind of God than I thought He was. And I fell deeply in love with the God I was experiencing. No, I never saw God but I’ve felt His arms and they are so strong, gentle and comforting. So loving and kind. So safe. So real and alive. It’s the only clear “memory” I have in the week after our accident and there are really no words to describe what it’s like, being held in God’s arms. It’s the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. On really hard days I go back to that place and let my heart soak in the love, strength, courage and grace that comes from just being held.

I’ve been listening to this song “More than you think I am” by Danny Gokey a lot and I wonder, who do I think I am to be able to tell anyone who God is or how I have experienced Him? There are no words, no thing that can really portray the awesomeness, the beauty of God; God is way more than we think He is. Our hearts have to be willing to be vulnerable and open to experience God.  I’m almost tempted not even to post my ramblings but I sense, I know that God is okay with my bumbling efforts; He will bring clarity and understanding to a heart that is seeking Him.

Fear

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As I’ve been mourning and allowing my heart to be aware of my loss, grief and pain, it also brings another part of my heart to life- – FEAR, mind-numbing, breath-taking fear. Yes, some is legit and understandable but a lot of it is not; it’s purely irrational. I think it’s another one of Satan’s tactics, if he can’t get me to ignore or deny my losses. He’ll get me to be afraid, afraid that something bad is going to happen again, maybe even worse than before. And then I question God, Are You a good Father? Will you take care of me or do I need to look out for myself? And wonder how and if I can survive another loss, more pain? I wonder how many of us live our lives out of fear without even knowing it. There are many masks I can wear so I don’t have to look fear in the face. Sometimes I hide behind the mask of being a good mother when in reality I’m scared. I tell myself a good mother protects her children and tries to keep them safe and yes, she does but she doesn’t stifle them or hold them back. A good mother allows her children to try and struggle and sometimes even fail; but she is beside them encouraging them, believing in them. Too often I want to be strong for my children and don’t allow God to show Himself strong to them, to me. Fear is paralyzing, it keeps me from moving forward. It keeps me from dancing in the storm. Fear is also numbing it keeps me from feeling the real, the raw emotions whether it’s pain and anger or peace and joy. It keeps me from being fully alive, experiencing life. Living in fear is very exhausting, mostly because I’m trying to control life; to make life work the way I think it should.

But why?? What am I afraid of, what is under all that fear? I’m thinking it might be that I don’t really, honestly, truly trust God. He has allowed some huge losses in my life- – What if He allows another one, more?? What if?? And a million questions/thoughts can go through your mind. Can I trust God?? Is He a safe God? Yes, No, maybe but He is a good good Father. Yes, He is a trustworthy God, He is faithful. I just need to page back through my journals and see all the many times He was there in the pain and loss. He still is here with me in my pain, loss and fear. But I believe I will only trust God to the depth I experience His love. But living in fear keeps my from experiencing His love; I need to face my fears and as hard as it sounds- I need to embrace that fear. Acknowledging, looking fear full in the face causes it to lose its power then I can release it, give it to Jesus. “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid…this shows we have not fully experienced His love.” 1John 4:18 As Casting Crowns one song says, “There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.” Facing my fear has allowed me to let my TBI define me; it has allowed me to accept how my TBI changed the way I live. No, it hasn’t defined who I am (I am still a beautiful daughter of my Good Good Father) but what I can do. There is so much freedom and peace in accepting myself and my limitations and acceptance takes away a lot of stress and pressure. Facing my fears has allowed me to dance in the storm and it has also changed my view of God.

A prayer request and I’m not sure who needs the prayers the most….Justin or us. He has committed to a year of service in Iraq. Talk about fear… well that brings it real close home.

Remembering….

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Three years ago today Jana came home from the hospital, after spending 3 1/2 months there. Here she is walking in from the car.

When I think back to those days and remember the excitement of having Jana home, the uncertainty of how in the world are we going to manage everything, the pain of missing Jennie, The questions of “what will life be like for us now?” and a million other thoughts and questions that go through your mind when a catastrophic event happens in your life…

Jana did some figuring…

We drove her 230 times in the 94 weeks she was in therapy,

She put in 500+ hours of physical, occupational and speech therapies.

It makes one pause and ponder and wonder…How did we get through that?? And quite frankly I’m not sure. I know we couldn’t have done it without family and friends helping us and most of all God giving us strength, grace and courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I remember days thinking, wondering, ‘will we survive?’ ‘Will we make it through?’ And we did. Jana is mostly done with therapy, she is till doing vision therapy. She is loving her two days a week at the care center and her monthly Club 625 activities. We are thanking and praising God for His love and care for us through this difficult time. We have been so blessed by many different people, in many different ways.

Here is Jana 3 yrs later waiting for her ride to the care center.

This is one of our favorite songs. It says… “How many times can one heart break?
It was never supposed to be this way.
Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you’d be.
Oh, but I can still recognize
the one I love in your tear stained eyes.
I know you might not see it now, so, lift your eyes to Me.

When you see “broken beyond repair”,
I see “healing beyond belief.”
When you see “too far gone”,
I see “one step away from home.”

Thank you Jesus for Your healing, for Your mending! We are here only because of You.

Grieving helps me Dance

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All of us suffer loss in different ways and degrees. And each loss has its own unique pain and grief which becomes part of our story. Loss brings a sudden stop to the life we knew. It freezes life into a snapshot; (we only have pictures and memories of Jennie now, we no longer have her with us). Loss brings a disruption to our plan. It forever changes life as we knew it. It makes us ask the deeper questions – – Who am I really? What do I believe about God, about me, about life? Loss messes with our identity; it changes us and at times, I’m not sure who I am or who I’m becoming. Loss can also happen as a result of wrong doing against us and can cause us to want justice, revenge for the one who wronged us to make up or pay for the loss they caused. Sometimes loss can’t be seen with our eyes or touched with our hands; sometimes they are only be felt by the heart.

Whether it’s the death of someone we love, the death of a dream, the loss of a job or a house or the innocence of our childhood. Loss never leaves us the same- it will either transform us or destroy us. I would rather be transformed than destroyed but that means I have to face each loss head on. I need to identify want I lost, put words to what was taken away, which makes those heart losses, I have found, seem to be the hardest to process, to work through because sometimes the heart has no words for what it experiences.
Facing my losses requires me to take an inventory of my life: What is my number one priority? What is most important? Where is my main focus? In his book, The Journey of Desire John Eldridge writes there are two spiritual disciplines we as Christians should practice daily: worship- adoring God deliberately, regularly and grieving- allowing sorrow to do its work in our hearts. Which is similar to what a friend had told me; there are two altars in which to worship God: the altar of praise or the altar of lament. And I’m beginning to realize the more I’m at the altar of lament, allowing sorrow to do its work, the deeper the adoration I feel for God at the altar of praise.

I need to grieve each and every loss I experience if I want to be transformed rather than destroyed. God values authenticity, wanting us to be real, to be honest with ourselves, our hearts. Grieving is entering into and embracing the darkness that comes with each loss, and the bigger the loss or maybe the more aware I am of what I’ve lost, the deeper the darkness. I need to allow my heart to feel the pain of each loss, even though it hurts and sometimes the pain is excruciating. Grieving is good for us, it is cleansing. Mourning is the only way my heart can remain alive and free in this world of loss. Sorrowing is what allows our hearts to forgive the one who has sinned against us, allowing God to take care of the revenging. Lamenting is hanging on to God when your world is in total chaos but sometimes it’s allowing God to hold you when you have no strength to hold on to Him. Grieving also helps us understand, to realize that the life we had, is gone forever; and no matter how much or how well we grieve, it will not bring life, the way it was, back to us. It releases the life we had and opens our hearts to the good that is still in our present life. To accept the life I now have I must grieve the life I lost. It seems like such a paradox: loss, pain, grief, sorrow, lament, seemingly negative words; giving birth to worship, praise, adoration, alive, free, positive words. So as I face each loss and grieve it well, I am better able to love, to dance freely, openly with God my Papa.

And in other news, we are now the owners of a city house. We actually had settlement. I admit I was a bit fearful, even till the morning of our appointment, what if we get there and they back out…but they didn’t and we signed all the many papers and it became ours. Thank you for your prayers.

We’ve moved…

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…and we also have another settlement date!! And I’m pretty sure it will happen this time  because I received a call the other day saying, “The loan has been approved. We just need some updated bank statements.” Which I of course sent their way and now we wait till settlement day. I think we’re adjusting well to living in the city, although it is hard to remember where I put stuff and I open 2 or 3 cupboard doors to find what I need. We’ve enjoyed several walks around the city. I found the library and have decided it’s easier to walk than to try to figure out where to park our van. It’s only a 20 minute walk. Also with JoAnn working again and a new house, I need to come up with a new routine to get the chores done. It’s been a bit challenging; I didn’t know how much I depended on JoAnn to keep everything together for me. I’m beginning to depend an awful lot on my phone and its alerts to me. Living with an invisible brain injury is very frustrating some times.

Here’s the front of our house. We have big plans for the front porch: flower pots, lights, wicker furniture and I’m toying with the idea of a painted porch rug.

Here’s our front window with our elegant “recliner chairs”. Our recliner chair was falling apart so we plan to get lovely matching ones but it’s not a very high priority yet.

Here’s the living room, we do have some comfortable seats.

One wall in the dining room

A friend spent most of a day and helped move Jennie’s memorial garden. We transplanted the bulbs and set it up. Now we want to plant annuals for the summer and add a few more pretties: solar lights, flower pots, a flag and maybe a hummingbird feeder.

The rest of our backyard, it only takes ten minutes to mow with the reel mower. We’ve planted some carrots, radishes, lettuce and tomatoes. And we also have dreams and plans for this little spot as well. Yes, we have a lot less space than we used to but it feels so much more manageable for me and a lot less stressful, too. We’re learning  how to work with and accept my brain injury and the limitations it has put on me.

We were given this yummy fruit pizza by one of our new neighbors and another neighbor gave us a bleeding-heart plant. And we’ve been told quite often this is the best part of the city. We do like the park across the street as well as the close by coffee shops. So if you think about say a prayer for us as we adjust to city life and continue healing emotionally as well as physically. God has done some amazing things for us in this journey and even in the hard, painful pieces He is still God and He is GOOD.

3 Years…

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…ago my beautiful eleven year old daughter was buried. And I believe God cried that day because I faintly remember the rain, the cold, the horrible feeling that I’m in some sort of nightmare and I just need to wake up. But I can’t, nothing makes sense, there’s so. much. pain. So much sadness. But I also remember hearing a song being sung about going home, a beautiful land, and I did the only thing I could do- I raised my hand in worship, in longing. For awhile I thought it was a figment of my imagination that I raised my hand, then we watched the memorial service and I could see that I really did raise my hand. And many times since it feels like- that is the only thing I can do…raise my hands in longing, in worship. There’s still pain and lately it seems like the cloud, the shadow of sadness is just so overwhelming, it just won’t go away. And so I do, what it feels like all I’ve done the last 3 years is cry and ask questions. The death of a child causes one to ask questions that one didn’t know even existed till one walks through that valley. But I’ve also come to believe and understand that God doesn’t have a problem with the questions, the pain, and the sadness. He is more concerned about me being honest with my heart and being willing to explore the hidden, locked away pieces of it.

I’ve been reading a book in preparation for a class we’re taking and the one little story in the book revealed a whole new piece in my grieving journey. The story was about a caring friend questioning a man if he felt angry that his father died when he was a young boy and the man was shocked, of course not, my father didn’t die on purpose. But his friend helped him to see all that he lost as a young boy and even what he lost as he grew into a man because his father died. He finally admitted that, yes, he was angry at his dad for dying and in the admitting (confessing) the anger; it lost its power and he was able to forgive his father and his heart was able to feel the loss and pain he experienced through the death of his father. And allowing himself to feel the pain and sadness brought healing to his heart in a whole new way. And my heart was just struck by that story, it was me! Although I hadn’t seen it before. It seems Jennie’s death is allowing me to grieve more deeply the loss of my mother. Then I start feeling guilty and questioning, so did Jennie have to die so I could receive healing? And then I read this in another book, “Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t ever assume that My using something means I caused it or that I needed it to accomplish My purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about Me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.” So once again God met me and spoke to my heart. Thank you Father for being a redeeming Father, for making beauty out of ashes, for dancing in this storm with me.

This song I’ve playing and replaying that past several days. It puts words to what I’ve been feeling and also gives me courage and strength to continue living through the storm because my good good Father is in the storm with me.

Jennie Lynn

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In Loving Memory…

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

I’ve never been more homesick than now

By MercyMe

Though your smile is gone forever

And your hand we cannot touch

We have so many memories

Of the one we love so much.

Your memory is our keepsake

With which we will never part

God has you in His keeping

We have you in our hearts.

Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure,
Loving you always, Forgetting you never,

Mom and Dad, JoAnn, Justin, Jana, Jodi & Janessa

A Bend in the Road

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In my last post, I had written we are planning to buy a house and had a settlement date; well, we didn’t have settlement- -four days before the settlement date the bank called and said, “We won’t approve the loan”!?! My head heard their reason, their explanation but my heart did not – still does not understand. We knew that our bankruptcy and foreclosure were going to be hard on our credit rating and also that banks don’t look too kindly on you for several years. And we told the loan officer all of that, we hid nothing. So how did she get a pre-approval for a mortgage to go through? We have no idea but she did. And Joe and I had agreed we won’t seriously look for a house till we know from the bank for sure that we can buy. So after we had our pre-approval letter, we contacted our realtor and he sent us a list of houses. We checked them out and made calls about some of them, went and saw a couple as well but nothing seemed right. Then we found this one and it had everything on our ‘need’ list and all but one thing on our ‘want’ list. It felt like a perfect fit for our needs. So we moved ahead with all the paperwork and now there’s a bend in the road. We’re not sure how the financing will come together but we still feel very strongly God wants us to buy this house that God is asking us to open our hearts and be willing to take the next steps in faith, to be willing to risk. Thankfully the seller is willing to work with us and at this point we are renting the house from her. We are still planning to buy it; we are looking into what options we have. We have done some painting and cleaning and are slowly moving some things in. And the more I go to the house, the more I like it and the more it feels like home.

I wonder, What is God teaching me, our family in this journey? What does God want me to learn about Him through this? What is my view of God in this piece of my story? There are parts of my heart being prodded and poked as this situation unfolds and I am aware of some unsettled feelings and emotions in my heart in connection with our bankruptcy and foreclosure.  I wonder, Is there something more God wants me to process and heal from that I didn’t know about before or maybe even ignored or pushed away? My hope and prayer is that my heart is open, sensitive and quiet enough to hear God’s still small voice; for it’s in the quietness God speaks and too often I am not quiet. I’m so busy trying to manage, to control, and to make life work that I miss the open doors, the opportunities to rest, to trust Him.

And the other bend in the road is the new diagnosis JoAnn got from the specialist Joe took her to this week in Hershey. They diagnosed her as having Neurofibromatosis (NF) which is an inherited disorder in which nerve tissue tumors form in the bottom layer of skin or in the nerves from the brain and spinal cord. NF causes tissue along nerves to grow uncontrollably and can put pressure on the nerves causing pain, seizures, even blindness depending where the tumors grow. There is no known cure for this disease, just options to control symptoms she may have. And the tumor in her brain is again slowly filling with fluid. She has another appointment after she comes home from Bible School, for follow-up care and to give us time to process and think through our options for a care plan. Could you pray that we would be able to think clearly as we search the options given us? That we would be honest with our hearts and process and work through the feelings and emotions we experience as we walk this journey especially JoAnn. She will need to control the symptoms and deal with possible complications the rest of her life.

I don’t know what’s around these bends in our road but I do know God my Father is with me and I will be okay, if I allow myself to be still and allow myself to be held.