I’ve been rather excited about stepping into that role but at the same time it feels mostly like a dream, a bit unreal; because I haven’t held or seen her yet other than in pictures and jerky twitchy video calls that are too few and far between. I’m also deeply saddened because of her being a whole ocean away from me. (And as a side note to my son or daughter-in-law, if you read this, I don’t want you to feel bad or guilty for the choice you have made. I believe you are following God’s leading and I bless you for your service, for answering God’s call. And I’m sure there are hard things on your end that I don’t see.) One day as I was complaining to Papa God about how hard and unfair it is that I have to give up my only son and granddaughter; He kindly, gently reminded me that what I’m experiencing now is an answer to prayers I prayed years ago. I’ve always wanted my children to love God and live for Him. I prayed for my children to follow God, to be faithful to His leading and voice and my son is. He and his lovely wife are where they believe God has asked them to be, serving and living for Him in a far away land. So honestly I wouldn’t want it any other way but I’m very much a human and find it difficult to keep the eternal perspective. I want to hold and snuggle with my first grand baby. I want to read books to her. I want to feel that sweet soft baby skin. And hear that cute baby gurgle and giggle, watch her discovering her hands and toes. I’d even love to hold her while she’s crying. But those are treasures I have to forgo for the eternal work, for God’s kingdom. And please, don’t think I don’t struggle with that. I do- regularly. Words are easy to type, to say. What are my actions showing I believe?
Again I have a choice- Do I choose to dance in this storm with my Papa God and allow Him to lead me in this? Or do I allow the grief and hardness of this circumstance affect how I love? Like I said before I do believe my son is following God’s leading and it’s what I prayed for. So what does loving well look like? Maybe by holding other babies and loving on them. Keeping my heart soft in spite of the ache and discomfort. Finding beauty in His creation. Talking to The One who comforts as no one else can. Allowing my heart to experience His love, peace and grace. And trusting, believing that when I get to my eternal home all these unfulfilled longings and desires will be abundantly filled.
…you know how they say the first year after the death of a loved one is the worst because you go through a year of all the firsts without them? Well, I had another first years later….
A new driver in training….
It caught me unawares…One of the things most parents probably don’t think a lot about- I didn’t with my first two. It was a normal part of growing up and giving your children their wings. It’s something I wanted my children to experience. But that was before having a catastrophic accident that shattered my world and forever changed who I was…
I was a bit unprepared for the feelings and questions that this first time event evoked in me. How in the world am I to teach her how to drive safely? I struggle to remember all the basic daily things that need to be done…how will I remember all the little yet so very important things to be able to drive safely and to think ahead and be aware of other drivers and pedestrians? Can I trust her to be a safe driver? Can I trust God to keep her safe? And the biggest fear/question of all- what if she gets killed in an accident??? I have no promise that that won’t happen- it did before- one of my children was killed in a car accident. I want to keep her safe from all the bad stuff that might happen. And in this moment I have a choice- Do I choose to believe Papa God is with me and for me and is good? Or do I live in the fear and questions and prevent my child from being free to be a teenager?
I chose to trust God and look at what are my options to give my daughter freedom in the best and safest way given my brain injury after effects and my PTSD. I’m thankful for friends who listen and not judge but give suggestions. I was encouraged to look into what driver school options are in our area. And I found one and she’s been doing the online portion of learning to drive. And now she’s got her permit too, so I can schedule the “Behind the Wheel” training portion. And we had our first very short drive out a farm field lane. And we both lived to tell about it.
I’m also so thankful that our daughter is understanding or at least willing to work with us in this. I’m so proud of us being able to have a good healthy conversation about how to care for both our hearts- my need for her to be as safe as possible and to know how to drive well and for her to have the responsibility and freedom to drive. The reality is she probably doesn’t understand the fear the flooded my heart, at least not to the degree it is for me; but I’m so grateful for the healing that God has done in her heart and life as well. It takes courage and confidence to step out and do things differently than most of her friends. But she has heard my heart and has respectfully agreed to work with us in this first. I’m also so grateful for a loving Father who understands and cares for my heart and is patiently teaching me these strange new steps of this dance…deeper trust…stronger faith…God-confidence….
…that we’re on this journey of grief from burying a child. I didn’t know a person could experience so much pain and still live. I’m thinking the only thing worse than burying a child- is not knowing where your child is because of abduction or some other horrible circumstance. I know where Jennie is and I know I will see her again some day. I can’t imagine the horror of not knowing where your child is or what they might be going through. I am confident though if that happened, God would supply the grace and courage to live through it because He has been with me every moment since that awful night seven years ago. Sure there have been and still are times, I question “Where are you God? What are You doing?” It’s so easy in the overwhelming pain to lose sight of God and who He is and what He’s doing. Most of the time I can’t even figure out if there’s any good thing happening but I’ve become so much more accepting and okay with the mystery surrounding God. We can spend our whole lives learning to know God and not even get close to understanding, knowing all there is to know.
Crocuses in Jennie’s Memory Garden
One thing I’ve learned is- grieving is hard work and super exhausting. I was reminded of that again when my dad died two months ago. It shed a new light on everything seven years ago; not only was our grief so raw and fresh and so totally unexpected, my body was also trying to heal from massive injuries. No wonder I could barely put one foot in front of another.
When walking beside someone grieving remember, you aren’t there to get us back on track, we’re charting a whole new path, one that’s never been walked before. It’s scary and confusing and we feel so very lost. Everything we knew and loved has been significantly changed and the closer the relationship with the person who died, the deeper the pain, the more it affects everything. We’re in a whole new territory and not a thing makes any sense to us. We have questions that have no answers. We’re feeling emotions we didn’t know existed and a lot of times it seems that they contradict each other. We feel sadness and joy, pain and peace. It often is a very chaotic time, in many ways and on many levels.
Also don’t be too quick to quote verses, promises or sayings, etc. What we need is to have our pain heard and validated. If someone opens up and gives you a glimpse into their heart, into their pain; take off your shoes, you’re on holy ground. It’s when our pain is heard and held by your heart that our heart has a chance to take a breath, to hear a whisper from God’s heart. I know. I know hearing and holding someone’s pain is hard, uncomfortable; we aren’t asking you to fix anything. We know you can’t, just hold up the boulder of pain, confusion and anger that’s been pressing on us so we can take a deep breath. Most of us have heard enough verses and sayings throughout our life that the Holy Spirit can remind us of those truths but it’s awfully hard to hear the truth through pain that’s not expressed and validated or given honor to, that’s not cared for. Uncared for pain often turns into angry bitterness and distrust.
And please don’t be afraid of ours tears. They are not sign of weakness or anything bad. They are rather God’s treasure; He collects them in a bottle. We all collect things we treasure. Again we know you can’t fix our grief or make it better but giving us a tissue and a shoulder to cry on tells us you care and that helps us heal. Just remember healing is a life-long journey and we’ll need lots of tissues and/or shoulders. Being witness to someone’s tears is uncomfortable, disconcerting because we know deep down we can’t change or fix the reason for their tears. We come face to face with our limitations which require us to be humble and ask for Divine help. We want to believe we’re capable of doing life mostly on our own. Yet Jesus wept when He came to Lazarus’ tomb and He knew He was bringing Lazarus back to life. I believe He wept to show Mary and Martha how much He loved and cared for them. He heard and validated their pain and grief with His tears. And we want to be followers of Jesus, so let’s step into the uncomfortable and cry with those that are crying.
This song Not Right Now by Jason Gray gives some good advice how to care for a grieving person even if the grief is ‘older’ because even though it’s been 7 years the smoke is pretty thick at times…
While I wait for the smoke to clear
You don't even have to speak
Just sit with me in the ashes here
And together we can pray for peace
To the One acquainted with our grief…
This is the last picture we have of you taken four days before our accident. If you’d be here, if life would have gone according to my plans, you would be finishing high school and we’d be planning a graduation. And you probably would have become an amazing cook. You might even be planning to go to a culinary school. But instead we’re aching with longing to see you and your lovely smile, to hear your giggle, to talk with you, to just be with you. I cry thinking of all that could/should have been but isn’t. And honestly there’s a twinge of anger about how unfair life feels, but when I think of where you are and Who you’re with I am comforted, I have peace. I know one day we will be together again enjoying the delights of heaven. And until then I have Papa God to carry me, to dance with me in the never ending grief journey that comes along with burying my child. I loved you the moment I knew you were a little life growing inside me and I love you still so I grieve.
Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure, Loving you always, Forgetting you never,
It’s your birthday once again and we still miss you and wonder how birthdays are celebrated in heaven. I have a pretty good idea of what you might be doing…
I am grateful for an artist friend who can so beautifully put on paper, what I imagine a birthday in heaven might look like for you. And it is a good reminder for me that God/Jesus wants to spend time with me. That He wants to hear from me. That He cares about what I’m feeling and struggling with. I don’t have to look good or put together, just open vulnerability, honesty about who I am and who Papa God is, and I can trust, believe that one day we will be together again. So while you are enjoying His beautiful Presence in real person; we will enjoy the lovely and the frustrating memories we have of you. I also imagine you will have grown into a beautiful young lady. But you are forever eleven in our hearts. And we will continue to ache with longing for the day we can hug you and catch up on all the missed celebrations.
Last November when I was at The Gathering, which was a day to remember, mourn, lament, worship, reclaim and celebrate sexual abuse trauma and survivors. Trudy said something like, “Remember being baptized to be a church member is not the same thing as being baptized as a follower of Jesus.” It grabbed the attention of my heart and I started thinking, processing- asking myself questions. I started looking into what the Bible says about baptism and I heard God asking me to be baptized as a follower, a believer of His. And yes, we had the usual discussion/arguing when being asked to do something big and scary but in the end like usual Love wins and I’m so grateful for Papa God’s mercy and grace.
One reason it was so monumental was the amazing way God healed a part of my heart. One of my arguments with God was over the terror I felt at the thought of being baptized especially after I learned from our pastor that he baptizes by immersion. When one is traumatized, the body doesn’t forget what happened, the brain sees the facts of the present, and the heart remembers and feels the traumatic emotions but often can’t connect things; it takes time and a safe person to help process it. My brain told my heart “come on, what’s the big deal? Its just water.” Yes, yes, I know all that and no matter what my brain told my heart it was still terrified; but I told my heart, “let’s just trust Papa in this and keep telling Him what you’re feeling, keep walking in obedience to His leading.” The evening before my baptism, I was talking with Rachel, a close friend and she asked, “What are the chances it’s connected to your accident? Wasn’t it raining, maybe you got wet?” And after confirming a few details with my hubby, my heart connected things and knew where the terror was coming from. As I talked to the pastor about it he asked, “Do you believe that God can heal and redeem this through baptism?” I do. And guess what? He did! I felt nothing but His love and peace as I stepped into the water. I was immersed in the peace that passes all understanding and the wild, wonderful love of God. It was an amazing experience!
Here is my testimony that I gave just prior to being baptized:
Even though I went to church all my life and was even a church member- it wasn’t until I was almost 40 that I finally found The One my heart was searching for.
My story feels pretty messy and ugly- lots of loss, pain, abuse, death and anger. I spent years trying to do all the right things, to be a good enough church member but it wasn’t working. There was no peace and rest in my heart or soul. So as a last resort, I signed up for a class. I thought if I don’t meet up with Jesus through this- then there really isn’t a God- He’s just a figment of some people’s imagination- just another way to get what they think makes a good life….
But over the months while taking the class and doing the required assignments, I learned to know a Jesus/a God, I had no idea existed. Jesus broke through the wall I built around my heart to keep it safe, broke through the lies I believed about Him and for the first time in my life my heart heard these words from Isaiah 53 verse 3. He was despised and rejected- a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. I turned my back on Him and looked the other way. He was despised and I did not care. 4. Yet it was my weakness He carried; it was my sorrows that weighed Him down. And we thought His troubles were a punishment for His own sin! 5. But He was pierced for my rebellion, crushed for my sins. He was beaten so I could be whole. He was whipped so I could be healed.
And my heart cracked- Jesus’ love started doing its work. I heard all my life that Jesus died on the cross to save me from sin but I never knew He also died for my sorrows, my pain, and my losses. I heard Jesus say, “I will walk beside you in this journey called life. I will never leave you alone.” And as the class came to an end I said, “Yes, God I’ll live for You, I’ll follow You wherever You call me.”…..
And one week later, I was in an ICU trauma room as a result of a car accident, more dead than alive. Our accident totally shattered the world we knew, as well as everything I ever thought I knew about God; my heart was totally shattered. I would not be here today telling you how good and wonderful God is except that His one arm held me like the beloved daughter I am and His other hand slowed the flow of my blood till the doctors could do surgery. I’ve had lots of healing over the last almost 6 & ½ years. I’ve also had lots of questions, lots of doubts, lots of arguments and conversations with God. And one day as I was being really honest with God He helped me find this verse Psalm 118:17 “I will not die; instead I will live to tell what the Lord has done.”
So I’m here to testify:
That even when you’re in the worst possible place you can be- God will NOT reject you. He WILL meet you where you are and walk with you to a better place. And
That God is still God and He is GOOD, even though my one daughter died and my one daughter is permanently disabled, even though I live with pain every day of my life- all results of one horrible night. God has never left me and He has willingly and overwhelmingly given me His strength, love and grace to continue this journey called life. And my goal is to live the rest of my life telling of His love and goodness. I’ll leave you with my paraphrased version of Isaiah 43: 1-4:
1. But now, O RoseAnn, listen to the Lord who created you. O RoseAnn, the One who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name. 2. When your car slides on an icy road forever changing your life, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of tears, pain and sorrow, You will not drown. When you walk through the fires of grief, loss and anger, You will not be burned up: The flames will not consume you. 3. For I am the Lord, your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Jesus as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Jesus in your place. 4. Jesus was given in exchange for you, I traded His life for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored and I love you.
“Thank You, Papa for all You have done and all You are doing in my life and heart. Thank you for Your amazing love, Your overwhelming grace and sweet peace. May I always remember that You are the treasure my heart is longing for.
We ended the service with one of my many favorite songs. The second verse speaks deeply to my heart:
Mine are tears in times of sorrow
Darkness not yet understood
Through the valley I must travel
Where I see no earthly good
But mine is peace that flows from heaven
And the strength in times of need
I know my pain will not be wasted
Christ completes his work in me.
My wonderful out-of-state friends who came to celebrate with me.
I’ve heard that quite frequently over the years and it’s a good-sounding cliché, but recently some rather strong feelings were aroused in my heart, so I started processing- Why is it bothering me? What is that cliché saying to me? And then it hit me- What about Saturday? Why aren’t we talking about Saturday? It felt like- “yes, it’s okay to talk about Friday, it was a horrible day but don’t dwell on it too much, just think about Sunday coming and all the good things that come with that day, but don’t think too much about Saturday, just try to hang on and deal with it the best you can.”
Friday- in the disciples’ world was the worst possible day. Their Leader/Teacher was unjustly tried, wrongly convicted and crucified. I put myself in their shoes and I get the fear, the anxiety, the questions, the terror and uncertainty of all that happened. I’ve lived through a few Friday’s when I thought for sure life was over and the reality is/was- the life I had known was over…but what happened Saturday?
Saturday- What were the disciples thinking, feeling? I thought Jesus was going to save us but now He’s dead… I thought Jesus was going to be king but now He’s dead… I thought Jesus was going to set us free from the Romans but now He’s dead… What did I miss? What did I not understand? All I hoped for, longed for, wanted and wished…. Is gone- – dead…along with the One I thought was key to making it all happen. Have I been a fool? Have I been following a fraud? I just don’t get it… I just don’t understand…
But what if I need to live through Friday to be broken enough to be willing to process Saturday, so I can really experience and appreciate Sunday? If I never experience death, how can I experience life? “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity.” John 12:24-25 What if the process of Saturday is what my heart needs to be broken open to receive Papa’s love? What if Saturday is all about being unsettled in my own ability to figure life out, to make life work for me? What if it’s about becoming okay to ask questions that have no answer? What if Saturday is about finding our how much my heart really does trust Papa and His promises?
Tomorrow will be Saturday, May 9; six years since I came home from the hospital. And in some ways it seems the last six years have been a very long Saturday. So many questions, so much uncertainty, so many frustrations, so much I don’t understand. But Jesus came out of that grave. He answered some of the disciples’ questions. I believed He explained some things to them over the next forty days. And I personally know that Jesus. I’ve experienced Him walking beside me. He’s promised never to leave me and He hasn’t. Yes, at times the pain and the questions almost hid Him but I’ve come to recognize a feeling, a peace way down deep in my heart and I’ve found out when I still myself, my heart and focus on that feeling of peace it grows. “Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 No, the pain doesn’t leave and the questioned aren’t all answered but I don’t have to dance alone. “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever!” Psalm 30:11-12 And Jesus has experienced pretty much the same stuff I struggle with and Papa’s never left Him and Papa’s promised never to leave me. “This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15 and “For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 He is the One I am trusting to lead me through the dance steps of this long Saturday. Sunday IS coming- it might be more than three days away but it’s okay and I am okay because God is with me. And I’m trusting, believing that He is what He says He is- A Redeemer – A Healer – A Beauty Maker – I can’t wait for Sunday to get here… Oh what a day that will be!!!
…we closed the casket on the beautiful face of our young daughter
never to see it again except in pictures, in our memories…
never to hear her girlish giggle again except in our memories….
They told us- as time goes on it’ll change…it’ll get better…it won’t hurt quite as much… Well, maybe six years isn’t long enough for it to change, to get better…but it’s been like forever since I’ve heard her asking, “Will you play a game with me?” “Can we have a tea party?” And the reality is- – I’ll never, ever hear that from her again. The reality for me at this time is- the longer it’s been, the deeper the ache, the stronger the pain as I process the death of my daughter and the multitude of other losses that are connected to our accident and her death. I ask again for the millionth time, “Why, God?” along with dozens of other questions.
This song “Why God?” by Austin French says it so well…
“Give me a faith stronger than I have
I need to know when it hurts this bad
That you hold my heart when it breaks
And I’m not alone in this place.
That’s why God, I need you
Why God, I run to Your arms
Over and over again
It’s, why God, I cling to Your love
And hold on for dear life
And I find you are right by my side
Always right by my side
Even here in the why…God.”
Yet as I continue to ask these questions that have no earthly answer, I realize- – I truly don’t want answers to my questions- -cause answers won’t take away the loss or ease the ache or pain. What I really want is to take my aching, hurting heart to Papa God and experience His strong arms around me as I struggle to once again choose to trust, to choose to believe that in the mystery of His Sovereignty that He is a good God. The reality is my questions hard as they are, as many as they are and as often as I ask them- -they are not a threat to God. He knows who He is and what He’s about and the more I experience Papa God the less threatening my questions feel to me. The deeper my connection to Papa- – the better I know who I am, whose I am and what I’m about. If I lose that connection, that ability to bring my questions, pain, losses and aches, I get so lost and confused. I become very vulnerable to lies Satan wants me to believe and live out of. I’ve also learned that my emotions or feelings are a pretty good indication of what is going on in my heart and it’s a good idea to talk to Papa about them or they will end up being dictators instead of indicators. And I for sure don’t want to allow my emotions to dictate the way I live life. Reacting in anger, distrust, fear or anxiety, I’ve done that too much and too often in my life already. I want my heart to listen for Papa’s gentle voice and to respond to it. I love the song “Remind Me You’re Here” by Jason Gray. It touches my heart deeply and I realize I want nothing more than to experience Papa’s arms around me, guiding my steps, my life as I continue to dance through the storm.
Toby Mac’s song “21 Years” written about the death of his son says it well….I’ve been listening to it frequently…
Woke up ’cause the light poured in Day two let the flood begin Day one left me in my bed I can barely remember it Heart shattered in a thousand ways They tell me pain gonna come in waves They tell me I’m gonna be okay I’m still waiting for the first to break
Why would You give and then take him away Suddenly end could You not let it fade What I would give for a couple of days A couple of days it just across the Jordan Or a city in the stars Are you singing with the angels Are you happy where you are Well until this show is over And you run into my arms God has you in heaven But I have you in my heart
I have you in my heart
I just can’t make sense of this Everything is so dissonant Somebody said he was meant for this But I’m just straight missing him…
…Did he see You from a long way off Running to him with a Father’s heart Did You wrap him up inside Your arms And let him know, that he’s homes
Is it just across the Jordan Or a city in the stars Are you singing with the angels Are you happy where you are Well until this show is over And you run into my arms God has you in heaven
I’m sorry TobyMac, that you, your wife and family had to experience this horrible pain; I would never want anyone to experience the death of a child. But I am so grateful that you put some of your pain in words and to music; it has touched my heart and helped me in my journey of grief picturing my Jennie girl in the Father’s arms. And Jennie, God may have you in heaven but I have you in my heart.
Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure, Loving you always, Forgetting you never,
Seventeen years ago a beautiful little girl joined our family. We were so delighted with her arrival. The eleven years we had with her, just were not enough. I wasn’t ready for her to live in heaven. But she is and we are celebrating her birthday without her. We are sad she’s not here to enjoy the day with us. But she is forever in our hearts and never very far from my thoughts. I will love you till the day I die.
