We got to experience some fun new things this summer. Moving to the city gave us the opportunity to enjoy some different and relaxing activities. We’ve also been doing a lot more walking to places. I have decided its easier to walk then to try to parallel park.
We enjoyed an almost weekly picnic and story-time in the city park across from our house
An almost weekly walk to the library.
We spent a wonderful relaxing weekend at our favorite cabin.
Fishing and Boating
Joe took the girls bowling.
We went mini-golfing for the first time and decided its something we want to do again.
We went to Strasburg Railroad.
We got our elegant recliner chairs and they are very comfortable.
We had a very lovely tea party at a friend’s house.
We enjoyed a picnic and leisurely stroll around Greenfield Park.
Jana had another Physical Therapy evaluation done. And the therapist recommended all new braces and night-time equipment as well as doing one session, which is 12 weeks, of therapy to make sure the equipment works like it should and to fine tune her walking. So we will once again be doing a weekly therapy run. I was a bit surprised at the feelings of unrest, worry, scared-ness, even disappointment rising up in my heart with the therapy recommendation. I guess your body never forgets the hard, the stress. I want to sound all Christian and positive and tell myself, “At least its only 12 weeks. At least you have only a 15 minute drive rather than an hour.” Which its all true but what if God wants to heal more of the trauma in my heart that came because of our accident? What if God wants my heart to experience more of Him, more freedom? I believe if I want to experience His love and care; I also need to allow my heart to feel, to experience the pain life brings my way.
Three years ago today Jana came home from the hospital, after spending 3 1/2 months there. Here she is walking in from the car.
When I think back to those days and remember the excitement of having Jana home, the uncertainty of how in the world are we going to manage everything, the pain of missing Jennie, The questions of “what will life be like for us now?” and a million other thoughts and questions that go through your mind when a catastrophic event happens in your life…
Jana did some figuring…
We drove her 230 times in the 94 weeks she was in therapy,
She put in 500+ hours of physical, occupational and speech therapies.
It makes one pause and ponder and wonder…How did we get through that?? And quite frankly I’m not sure. I know we couldn’t have done it without family and friends helping us and most of all God giving us strength, grace and courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I remember days thinking, wondering, ‘will we survive?’ ‘Will we make it through?’ And we did. Jana is mostly done with therapy, she is till doing vision therapy. She is loving her two days a week at the care center and her monthly Club 625 activities. We are thanking and praising God for His love and care for us through this difficult time. We have been so blessed by many different people, in many different ways.
Here is Jana 3 yrs later waiting for her ride to the care center.
This is one of our favorite songs. It says… “How many times can one heart break?
It was never supposed to be this way.
Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you’d be.
Oh, but I can still recognize
the one I love in your tear stained eyes.
I know you might not see it now, so, lift your eyes to Me.
When you see “broken beyond repair”,
I see “healing beyond belief.”
When you see “too far gone”,
I see “one step away from home.”
Thank you Jesus for Your healing, for Your mending! We are here only because of You.
It’s been a couple of months since my last update and it seems like lots has happened in that time.
Jana got her new shoes and brace. She was quite thrilled with both of them. She liked the better support her new brace gives her and then on Sunday she sheared off one of the bolts! So it’s back to her old brace till we get it fixed which hopefully won’t take too long.
Jana has been going to a care center for disabled people of any age one day a week. They receive one on one care and while there do a variety of activities: singing, crafting, school work and exercise time. The other week her group and another group went to sing for one of the caregiver’s grandma. Jana had made a card for her in craft time to give her. Each week Jana eagerly looks forward to her day at the care center.
JoAnn had another MRI done and the doctor says nothing has changed, yet he did set up another appointment with another specialist..So need-less to say we are a bit worried – – wondering, “What does our/her future hold?” JoAnn is also going back into the working world. She is a caregiver for elderly people. Right now she is on an “on call” part-time basis but after we get moved and settled in she is planning to go full-time with regular clients.
And yes, that’s the other big news and change in our future. We are buying a house! We are scheduled to have settlement the end of January. We found a smaller house in Lancaster City. So we’ve been going through and getting rid of some things, trying to simplify. When I think of myself not too make years ago, the city is one place I thought I’d never move to. It’s amazing how time and circumstances can change your plans and ideas. We are hoping to move in May after JoAnn and Justin both get home from SMBI in March. There is a little bit of work we would like to do to the house, mostly painting and putting in carpet, before we move in. I am trying to carefully plan how much I do as I still struggle with fatigue and pain a lot of the time. I also don’t do well with a lot of stress, so I try to keep reminding myself to plan and also to listen to my body and not overdo it. It once again brings the evidence so clearly to mind how much our lives have changed the last 3 years. And I keep finding bits and pieces of Jennie as I go through things; her name in her just learning-to-write cursive on a scrap of paper, her story books, etc. And I feel that familiar stab of pain, of missing her, of longing to see her smiling face and hear her giggle. I wonder what she’d say about living in the city. Yet through the pain I feel the Father’s love and care as I imagine her in His arms, in complete contentment, joy and peace as she waits for us to join her.
The past several weeks have been filled with various doctor appointments. The first one was with Jana’s orthopedic doctor and she is still recommending surgery on Jana’s foot. The doctor is thinking of doing a tendon transfer and cord lengthening in which she is hoping – we could then get rid of most of the shoe modifications. Jana would still need a brace. The actual surgery doesn’t seem to difficult or hard to do. It’s the recovery and intense therapy sessions afterward that look so overwhelming to us. We were also with the eye doctor and he is very pleased with how Jana’s eyes have responded to therapy. He sent us home on vacation for six months, Jana is to just use her eyes and not worry about doing therapy. That was exciting news for us. We took her to Hershey for more BOTOX shots in her arm and that doctor is pleased with how her arm and hand are getting into a better, a more natural position. We had Jana to Schreiber for a physical therapy evaluation. Jana was losing her balance more lately and so what she needs are new shoes, modifications and a new brace. She’s quite excited about getting new shoes. Wearing the same footwear for a year gets kinda old. So she’s keeps asking, “when can we go shopping?” She also does not need to go back for more therapy, they feel she has come as far as she is going to. It’s now keeping what she has and that can be done through her in home exercise program and having occasional evaluations. We also found out good news from several different places lately as well and while we are excited about hearing the good news, it also means there are lots of decisions to be made about our future. So if you remember, would you pray that we could be sensitive to God’s leading and that our brains would be able to think clearly through all the decisions we have to make.
The other evening I had to go away and as I was driving, I noticed the beautiful sunset so I called home to my dear hubby and asked if he would be so kind and take some pictures for me. And he did but they just don’t do justice to the beauty of the sunset. It was so beautiful, so calming and restful. It reminded me so much of Jennie. It was the perfect shades and combination of pink and yellow. It would have been a sunset she would have wanted to try to paint with her watercolors. It was also the day after the 27th year anniversary of my mother’s death and I couldn’t help by wonder if my mother and daughter weren’t up there in heaven helping God paint that spectacular sunset just for me.
Two years ago today I came home from the hospital. When I look back over those two years, they have been the hardest two years of my life so far. I’m beginning to think, to realize when you brush against death’s door but don’t quite go through; it does something to you. It changes you forever. Life and its problems doesn’t look like it used too. I think of heaven A LOT more than I used to. I don’t hang onto stuff as much as I used to, stuff is to be used, people are to be enjoyed. I have a longing for God I didn’t know was possible. I have come to a much different view of God as my Father through all this struggle, pain and difficulty. I also see people differently than I used to; everyone has a battle they’re fighting in. So would I want to re-live those two years? Not in a million years! But in learning to dance in the storm, I have chosen to believe, to trust that God is taking this terrible, ugly, horrible, painful thing and making a beautiful. breath-taking, gorgeous something. And I can’t wait to go to heaven and see it with my family.
We have since 2004 every four years made look-alike dresses for Mother’s day. And this would again be our year for look-alikes, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to. Yes, part of me did, I love to sew and of course, who wouldn’t want a new dress. But there was one young girl who was always so excited about new dresses and taking our pictures and she isn’t here this year. I struggled with it: to do it, does that mean we’re moving on and leaving you behind, forgetting about you. To not do it, does that mean we haven’t accepted your death, our losses. This year it is different. It is again another first for us to live through. We talked about it and we decided to go ahead but we did add a twist to it. Our dresses aren’t exactly the same. Similar but not the same and it seemed to us that doing it this way this year was how we could honor Jennie. And of course I wore your angel pin in memory of you, Jennie dear. I think you’re having a great Mother’s Day in heaven with grandma.
Mother’s Day 2004
Mother’s Day 2008
Mother’s Day 2012
Mother’s Day 2016
And on other news, after a two week break from eye therapy and exercises, the eye doctor is very pleased with how Jana’s brain and eyes kept the info they learned through the therapy and exercises Jana had done. Now for the next several weeks she is to read at least one hour a day and then we go for a four week round of therapy and the doctor is thinking by then her eyes and brain will be working together again. But he does want to keep checking on her eyes every couple months. And her Occupational therapy is over for now too. This week she will learn some exercises to do at home. Her physical therapist is to have a baby in June so we will be taking a break from therapy while she is on maternity leave. The therapists want Jana to do exercises here at home while she is on a break. We are looking forward to a more restful summer. And I have a doctor appointment this week. I have really been struggling with some physical issues that past several months and please pray that the doctor will be willing to work with us on it. I am so ready for some answers. I’ve been doing a lot of researching and reading and have an idea as to what is going on, so I really hope the doc truly listens to what I’m trying to say.
The month of February I took part in a Girlfriends Bible Study at Victory Church. The class was entitled “Pursuit of the Promised Land” taught by Marie Monville. This was the little blurb I saw on FaceBook that pulled me in: “Do you feel like life brings more problems than you anticipated? (Yes, way more.) Are you waiting for that moment when everything finally works out perfectly? (I’ve given up on that.) Do you wonder what your circumstances say about God and your relationship with Him? (All the time.) Join us as we look at the life of Joshua and his pursuit of the Promised Land. We will study the experiences of the Israelites and the battles they fought. We will see God’s love and faithfulness in the midst of their difficulties and find ourselves written upon each page. (Ummm- I will see me (and God) in their story?) So here are some of my thoughts from that Bible study, with more to come, hopefully. It was time and money well spent.
Marie opened the Bible study saying she “allowed the Lord to marinate in her heart the story of Joshua for about a year.” I loved that word picture- marinate- allowing my heart to sit in God’s Word, to meditate, to allow it to soak in. And what happens to marinated meat? It gets tender and tasty. I want to allow my heart to be tender, soft, sensitive.
The Israelites needed to cross the Jordan River to enter the Promised Land but they could not cross the river alone. It was at flood stage; it was a full raging river. I can see myself in that part of the story. It feels like we’ve been asked to cross a river at flood stage or maybe more accurately we’ve been dropped into a river.
But the priests did have to be brave and have faith. They had to step into the water first then wait on God. And God parted the waters and they walked through on DRY land- not wet, not even damp, the Bible says “dry land”- How amazing is that?! I too, have to take that first step into the water or maybe since I’m in the river, it’s about turning my heart towards my Father; being willing to reach out for Him, then rest in Him. That’s what the priests did, stepped into the river and waited for God and God came through and gave them dry land to walk on. How is God wanting to come through for me and am I willing to allow Him to come through or do I think I need to do this on my own? What might God want to do for me, today? What might it look like for me to walk on dry land? God also calls us to a place of boldness not arrogance. How might God be asking me to be bold, brave? God may allow a huge totally overwhelming situation to come into my life (and He did) but He also has a plan how to help me through it. Yet too often I take my eyes and heart off of Him and see the raging flooded river (the many losses and deep pain) and I feel like I’m drowning. But like Peter all I need to do is to call out to my Father. He is more than willing to carry me through the storm, to be my “peace in the troubled sea”. Isaiah 43: 2 & 3 says, “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” That’s a very comforting thought, God is in the raging river with me. I also need to remember- this is not about me, its about God and Him getting glory and honor; my story is not the focal point, my story is part of God’s bigger story.
On other news, the eye doctor is very pleased with how Jana’s eyes are progressing. We’ve done eye therapy six weeks now and still have another six weeks to go and then he will do another exam and make a care plan off of those findings. We had her to Hershey for more BOTOX shots. It sure helps to keep her right arm and hand more relaxed. And the Saebo Splint therapy for her right arm and hand is reaching its six month trail period and her one therapist is very pleased that her arm and hand is in a more natural position so we will be going back to occupational therapy. And with Jana participating in Club 625 activities on a monthly basis and also working with a psychologist, we’ve decided speech therapy is no longer needed. She is quite delighted about that.
We took Jana back for her eye testing and yes, she needs glasses and eye therapy. She’s got her glasses now and I think she looks very nice in them. And eye therapy starts tomorrow, once a week for the next 6-10 months. We also were encouraged by her therapists to look into some psychology therapy as well to help us know how to deal with some of the social and emotional issues that go along with brain trauma. And we did find a Christian psychologist who has worked with traumatic brain injuries and had our first visit with them. It went well, I think and thankfully its covered by her insurance but they suggested once a week and we felt like that’s a little too often. We went with every other week. So now again, I’m back to going to therapy 3 times a week. I try to tell myself, “You can do this. You’ve done it before. Why does it feel so overwhelming this time?” and I think its because the weeks of Christmas and New Years, we had no therapy at all. I got to stay home and I realized how wonderful and special it was to stay home and do just normal household chores. And I was made aware again how much our lives have changed. And rather frankly, it irritates me, frustrates me, makes me question God and His sovereignty. But I’ve been reading a book by Stasi Eldredge and she writes, “Let suffering be the door you walk through that draws you to deeper intimacy with Jesus. Suffering can do that, if we let it. And though it would never be the doorway we would choose, it is one we will never regret walking through.” And later in the book, “Sorrow is one of the realities of life. To be mature women, we have to be awake to the ache. Let it be a doorway for us to walk through to find a deeper intimacy with God. We ask God to meet us–right in the ache.” Isn’t that wonderful! God can and will meet us right in the middle of the deep heartbreaking ache. And it also reminds me of a song sent to me by a friend, “The honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a hallelujah sometimes.” I believe its true, God would rather have me honest with my heart, with myself; cause its there He can meet me and heal me than for me to try to keep all the rules of what I think Christianity is supposed to look like.
Yesterday I had Jana at the eye doctor. She has been having double vision and headaches at times, and there were times I’d see her eyeballs get shaky or fluttery. Not exactly the medically correct term but I don’t know how else to say it. And I wasn’t exactly wanting to go away yesterday, it was 20 months. And those days are hard. But as always God knows everything. What are the chances that the eye doctor you decide to use, cause its close and your older children used them and liked them; is the only one in Lancaster county that specializes working with brain injury/ eye issues? At least that’s what they said. She said eye therapy would probably help and may change the prescription, so recommended waiting to get glasses to see what eye therapy will do for her. I would guess Jana will still need glasses, it seems our children have inherited their father’s eyes. So it looks like we will be going for eye therapy. Thankfully it can wait til the new year since Jana’s other therapy will be going done to one day a week then. And the eye doctor is only 15 minutes away. The one drawback is they don’t accept our insurance so it will be self pay, but days after our accident God, in a special way, left my dear hubby know that He will take care of us, and He has; so I’m choosing to trust God in this, too.
And today I was at my aunt’s funeral, the first funeral I was at since our daughter’s. Going to viewings and funerals is just not the same as before. I was expecting it to be hard, just not quite as hard as it was. It even rained and I’m pretty sure it was rainy the day of Jennie’s funeral. It just brings back so many memories and makes me realize all over again our losses, our shattered dreams. And again God was there, the pastor said God is bigger than our needs, bigger than any problem we can face. I only need to be aware of His presence in the storm. I was comforted and again reminded God really does know everything about me and loves cares deeply for me. I am His child.
We enjoyed an almost weekly picnic and story-time in the city park across from our house
An almost weekly walk to the library.
We spent a wonderful relaxing weekend at our favorite cabin.
Joe took the girls bowling.
We got our elegant recliner chairs and they are very comfortable.
We had a very lovely tea party at a friend’s house.
