Fear

Posted on September 2, 2017 by RoseAnn

As I’ve been mourning and allowing my heart to be aware of my loss, grief and pain, it also brings another part of my heart to life- – FEAR, mind-numbing, breath-taking fear. Yes, some is legit and understandable but a lot of it is not; it’s purely irrational. I think it’s another one of Satan’s tactics, if he can’t get me to ignore or deny my losses. He’ll get me to be afraid, afraid that something bad is going to happen again, maybe even worse than before. And then I question God, Are You a good Father? Will you take care of me or do I need to look out for myself? And wonder how and if I can survive another loss, more pain? I wonder how many of us live our lives out of fear without even knowing it. There are many masks I can wear so I don’t have to look fear in the face. Sometimes I hide behind the mask of being a good mother when in reality I’m scared. I tell myself a good mother protects her children and tries to keep them safe and yes, she does but she doesn’t stifle them or hold them back. A good mother allows her children to try and struggle and sometimes even fail; but she is beside them encouraging them, believing in them. Too often I want to be strong for my children and don’t allow God to show Himself strong to them, to me. Fear is paralyzing, it keeps me from moving forward. It keeps me from dancing in the storm. Fear is also numbing it keeps me from feeling the real, the raw emotions whether it’s pain and anger or peace and joy. It keeps me from being fully alive, experiencing life. Living in fear is very exhausting, mostly because I’m trying to control life; to make life work the way I think it should.

But why?? What am I afraid of, what is under all that fear? I’m thinking it might be that I don’t really, honestly, truly trust God. He has allowed some huge losses in my life- – What if He allows another one, more?? What if?? And a million questions/thoughts can go through your mind. Can I trust God?? Is He a safe God? Yes, No, maybe but He is a good good Father. Yes, He is a trustworthy God, He is faithful. I just need to page back through my journals and see all the many times He was there in the pain and loss. He still is here with me in my pain, loss and fear. But I believe I will only trust God to the depth I experience His love. But living in fear keeps my from experiencing His love; I need to face my fears and as hard as it sounds- I need to embrace that fear. Acknowledging, looking fear full in the face causes it to lose its power then I can release it, give it to Jesus. “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid…this shows we have not fully experienced His love.” 1John 4:18 As Casting Crowns one song says, “There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.” Facing my fear has allowed me to let my TBI define me; it has allowed me to accept how my TBI changed the way I live. No, it hasn’t defined who I am (I am still a beautiful daughter of my Good Good Father) but what I can do. There is so much freedom and peace in accepting myself and my limitations and acceptance takes away a lot of stress and pressure. Facing my fears has allowed me to dance in the storm and it has also changed my view of God.

A prayer request and I’m not sure who needs the prayers the most….Justin or us. He has committed to a year of service in Iraq. Talk about fear… well that brings it real close home.

Suffering

Posted on December 13, 2016 by RoseAnn

I know I wrote how God is enough here but sometimes it almost seems that well maybe He isn’t. The past weeks I’ve been going through the posts and updates that were put on Caring Bridge in the days following our accident. I had never read through them before. I’m still not done going through them. It’s hard and rather difficult. It brings back some very painful moments and memories. I’m not sure how we survived. God was very much carrying us. I remember thinking back then, “I can’t wait till this pain is gone, till I’m back to my normal self”. But guess what- I’m still living with pain and I’ve totally lost “my normal self”. True the intensity of the physical pain is nowhere near what it had been. Yet the emotional/mental pain seems to be just as bad as it was and since I no longer have the physical pain to distract me; it makes some days difficult. It’s that ongoing, nagging, irritating physical pain along with the emotional pain- -make some of my days rather pain filled which almost drive me crazy. Will it never end? Suffering and pain, especially long-term, drive us to desperation. In my pain, I become desperate, wanting something, anything to ease the pain, to stop or take away the pain. In my desperation, where do I go? Do I turn to my Father or do I allow bitterness to grow? Do I allow myself to struggle with God allowing pain and suffering? Or do I try to Christianize it? Do I just want to get out of my suffering or do I try to see Jesus through, even in my suffering? We may never understand the reason we suffer, the reason we go through some of this pain. But could it be one way God is pursuing us? True it seems like God’s got it all wrong; how can suffering and pain draw us to Him? But remember how desperate we become in pain and we need to remember God is in the pain with us. Yes, suffering and pain at times blocks our ability to see God but that doesn’t mean He isn’t there. And it seems that an all-powerful God wouldn’t allow such horrible stuff to happen to us, especially those who are doing their best to live for Him. But there is more to my suffering, than just the story of my suffering; it is part of God’s larger story. In our suffering and pain it is so easy to become so focused on me and my story and forget we aren’t the center piece. God is. Even though He is the Author of the story, He is also the Hero in the story. God the Father planned a way to restore us to Himself, for us to have an intimate relationship with Him through having His Son come to this earth. And why did Jesus come to this earth? To show us how to love and to suffer. Jesus, because of His passionate love for us, suffered the ultimate suffering and it wasn’t even for His benefit. He suffered for me- to bridge that chasm between God and me. Larry Crabb says in one of the Grief Share videos, “You can always trust the Man who died for you.” And that just gripped my heart deeply. Even though I do not begin to understand why God allowed painful things to happen to me, I also realize those things were never His desire, His dream for me. But can I trust Him to make beauty out of it? Can I allow myself to rest in the fact that someday He will make all things new? Can I be okay with the never-ending longing for something more and realize that I’m longing for heaven? And not try to make heaven here, but to be willing to keep an open heart and hand as I journey through this life. And to realize, I was made for a totally different world that the one I am currently living in. As Charles Spurgeon wrote, “Nothing teaches us about the preciousness of the Creator as much as when we learn the emptiness of everything else.” And even though I have lots of questions and I don’t understand what God is doing; yes I still believe God IS enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l3CEMWCxSk

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Posted on September 20, 2016 by RoseAnn

Several weeks ago one Sunday morning, Janessa was looking at a family picture I have in our room taken when she was about six months old taken at her baby dedication. She said, “I wish we could fast-forward- -NO! I mean fast backward to that time. And then you wouldn’t go away in the night and have an accident. Then Jennie wouldn’t have died and Jana wouldn’t be broken and all our dreams wouldn’t have broken either.” I was almost speechless. I managed to say, “I know dear, it would be nice to be able to redo it but this is where we are. We’ll have to dream new dreams.” But as young as she is, she sounded so like an old tired little lady, sighing deeply she said, “But it’s so hard to dream new dreams.”

I hear you little girl; dreaming new dreams is very hard when your dreams have been broken, shattered. And how do you even begin to dream again when all that you knew, your world has been shattered? When the life you had, is nothing like the life you are now living?

While I still have more questions than answers and I’m not too sure that I’ve begun to dream well again-yet. I think I’m starting to dream again. I get glimpses of the flicker, the longing, the wanting to dream again. Yet there are the questions… Is it safe to dream again? What if my dreams get broken again? Can I even dream again? – Life is so hard and I’m so tired. – Is it even worth trying to dream again? And if I don’t dream again my dreams can’t be shattered, I won’t have any to shatter.

So why dream new dreams? Dreaming again shows healing, speaks of life. One thing that I am coming to a deeper understanding of is – acceptance is a huge part in being able to dream again. I need to accept where I am, to be okay with the fact I can’t do as much as I used to do or even do as much as I would like to do. But acceptance seems to be an elusive thing- – some days I feel I have accepted how my life has changed and I am bold and ask for help or I let people know how they can help us. And then there are days when I am resistant to the changes, to the pain. I wish things were different. I’m a grouch because the house is dirty and the flowerbeds are not flowering; they are full of weeds. And I desperately miss Jennie’s smiling face, her cheery voice and helping hands. And I wish we go back to the life we used to know.

What does acceptance look like? And how do I accept my new life? Acceptance is not a passive thing, where I just say, “Okay, whatever, it will be fine. God is in control.” Acceptance does not mean my heart is disengaged or silenced. Acceptance means my heart is alert and very aware of the journey I am on. It also includes that I am very aware of and know what my losses are and have grieved well those losses. I have to grieve the life I had to be able to accept the life I now have. And to grieve well I need to be aware of what I lost. It sometimes feels like an ever maddening circle, and I’m only getting dizzy and barely surviving instead of accepting my new life and thriving. I also wonder if acceptance might also includes knowing Who my Father is and what His heart is towards me; being willing to grapple with my questions about life and even God, yet not demanding an answer or not trusting God’s sovereignty; being willing to keep an open tender heart even though it feels most dangerous and unsafe to do. Maybe acceptance looks more like a fierce fight or struggle than a quiet “I’ll just give up and hope it all turns out okay” attitude. Maybe it’s also being okay with mystery; the mystery of how God can use this brokenness and pain, an ugly mess and make something of beauty from it. Thank you Father for being a Redeemer.

Following God into a Storm??

Posted on August 9, 2016 by RoseAnn

Did you know being obedient to God’s leading can take you right into a battle, right into a storm? Here are a few more of my thoughts (hopefully they have not scattered too badly) from the Pursuit of the Promised Land Bible Study by Marie Monville.

For the Israelites to get into their promised land they needed to fight some battles, they had work to do, lots of hard work. They were following God’s command to Joshua to conquer and live in the land God had promised to Abraham. And also the disciples were told by Jesus to get into their boat and cross to the other side of the lake. And while they were still “far from land, a strong wind had risen and they were fighting heavy waves” Luke 14:22. Jesus knew that storm was going to come but yet He still told them to go to the other side of the lake. And the disciples obediently did as Jesus told them. I wonder what the disciples were thinking when they were in that storm. “Jesus told us to do this and now here we are in the middle of a storm, maybe we’ll drown! Why did Jesus tell us to go with the storm coming? Surely He knew what was coming. What was He thinking?”
The Israelites, like the disciples, were doing what Jesus told them to and what did they encounter? Battles, storms, and hard stuff. What am I to do with that? I follow God and end up in a storm? a battle? One thing I think God wants us to realize is that difficult circumstances do not mean that He is punishing us. Maybe like the Israelites needing to walk quietly around Jericho; God wants me to walk quietly with Him, to allow Him to fight the battle? Maybe He needs my quietness so He can speak into someone’s heart? Like maybe my very own heart? Maybe like the disciples, after trying their best to get to the other side of the lake and then being scared out of their wits by Jesus, they were ready to accept Jesus’ help; God is wanting me to give it my best and be willing to accept help.
Another thing I think God wants us to realize is that He often uses the “least likely” like Rahab, she was a prostitute but she hid Joshua’s spies and as long as she put the red cord in her window and stayed in her house she would be safe when they conquered Jericho. And Rahab also looked out for her family even though they may have looked down on her, held her life style against her. Rahab was a prostitute but God used her right where she was, living in sin. Even in our sin God is merciful with us. There were times as the Israelites were going into battle Joshua didn’t seek God’s leading, he went ahead and did it his way. And they ended up at places they never would have if they had only asked God first. But God came through and fought for them even though they were in a place they shouldn’t have been. They were in a wrong place because of the wrong choices they made but still God held the sun and moon in place till the battle was won. And I believe God wants to do the same for me- fight my battles but too often I’m afraid He’ll take me out instead of my enemy. Why is it so hard for me to believe that God is for me and not against me? Why is it so hard to trust that God is looking out for me? Maybe I need to learn to know who God really is, how God truly feels about me.
And I have a hard time believing Rahab continued her life as a prostitute after her encounter with God. When we have an encounter with God it very often changes us and maybe that is another reason God allows the storms, the battles- so our eyes, our hearts will open towards Him. So we can really know who we are and who God really is- – a good, good Father who loves and cares for us passionately and is longing to have a close, living relationship with us. For us to know He’s there dancing in the storm with us.

The fairy garden I made today in the workshop I attended at Ken’s Gardens.

God is Enough

Posted on May 31, 2016 by RoseAnn

Last night when I couldn’t sleep, I heard on the radio, “We were never meant to be enough. That is for God.” Isn’t that a wonderful, freeing thought? I don’t need to be enough- – for my hubby, my children, even myself. If I was, they/I wouldn’t need God. But I need to be humble enough to be willing to realize that- and there is the rub- if I’m not enough, then I’m not in control. Am I willing to live with my hands, my heart open? To allow them to struggle through life, allowing them to learn God is enough. What does it look like to allow them to struggle? Am I willing walk with them in the struggle, in their pain? How do I love them well? Can I be okay when they choose something different than I would have? Do I have compassion instead of a judgmental spirit for their brokenness, their hurt, and their issues? Do I believe God is enough for them, that He will take care of them?

There’s the other side of this too. If I’m not enough, then neither is my hubby, my children, you- – are not enough for me. They/you don’t have to be enough for me. God is enough. Do I believe that? Maybe a better question is, Do I live like I believe that God is enough? I struggled with writing that letter to my family. At times it’s so easy to hide, to make it look like we’re mostly okay. Looks can be so deceiving. But it was good for me to put words to what we/I live with. Yet it’s humbling, embarrassing to admit, to show my brokenness, my deficits, my issues. But if I keep it all behind the mask, how can you love me? How can you walk with me? How can I know God if I’m not willing to be honest, if I’m not willing to live with an open heart? And when you get to the place and you realize- God is all you have, you do find out and believe “GOD IS ENOUGH”. But in the middle of the battle it is so hard to remember, the war has already been won. It is hard to rest, to just be with God our Father. I want to fight. I want to win the battle. I want to be in control. And so I doubt that God is enough. I doubt that He can work this for my good. I doubt that He can make beauty out of ashes. That He can heal broken shattered dreams. That He can dance in the storm with me. But it was in my brokenness, in the middle of the night when there was no one there, God was there and God was enough. God heard my heart’s cry and He came in that quiet way gently wrapping His arms around me and holding me close. He was okay with me not being enough, with my brokenness because HE was enough.

A Raging River and Updates

Posted on March 21, 2016 by RoseAnn

The month of February I took part in a Girlfriends Bible Study at Victory Church. The class was entitled “Pursuit of the Promised Land” taught by Marie Monville. This was the little blurb I saw on FaceBook that pulled me in: “Do you feel like life brings more problems than you anticipated? (Yes, way more.) Are you waiting for that moment when everything finally works out perfectly? (I’ve given up on that.) Do you wonder what your circumstances say about God and your relationship with Him? (All the time.) Join us as we look at the life of Joshua and his pursuit of the Promised Land. We will study the experiences of the Israelites and the battles they fought. We will see God’s love and faithfulness in the midst of their difficulties and find ourselves written upon each page. (Ummm- I will see me (and God) in their story?) So here are some of my thoughts from that Bible study, with more to come, hopefully. It was time and money well spent.

Marie opened the Bible study saying she “allowed the Lord to marinate in her heart the story of Joshua for about a year.” I loved that word picture- marinate- allowing my heart to sit in God’s Word, to meditate, to allow it to soak in. And what happens to marinated meat? It gets tender and tasty. I want to allow my heart to be tender, soft, sensitive.

The Israelites needed to cross the Jordan River to enter the Promised Land but they could not cross the river alone. It was at flood stage; it was a full raging river. I can see myself in that part of the story. It feels like we’ve been asked to cross a river at flood stage or maybe more accurately we’ve been dropped into a river.

But the priests did have to be brave and have faith. They had to step into the water first then wait on God. And God parted the waters and they walked through on DRY land- not wet, not even damp, the Bible says “dry land”- How amazing is that?! I too, have to take that first step into the water or maybe since I’m in the river, it’s about turning my heart towards my Father; being willing to reach out for Him, then rest in Him. That’s what the priests did, stepped into the river and waited for God and God came through and gave them dry land to walk on. How is God wanting to come through for me and am I willing to allow Him to come through or do I think I need to do this on my own? What might God want to do for me, today? What might it look like for me to walk on dry land? God also calls us to a place of boldness not arrogance. How might God be asking me to be bold, brave? God may allow a huge totally overwhelming situation to come into my life (and He did) but He also has a plan how to help me through it. Yet too often I take my eyes and heart off of Him and see the raging flooded river (the many losses and deep pain) and I feel like I’m drowning. But like Peter all I need to do is to call out to my Father. He is more than willing to carry me through the storm, to be my “peace in the troubled sea”. Isaiah 43: 2 & 3 says, “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” That’s a very comforting thought, God is in the raging river with me. I also need to remember- this is not about me, its about God and Him getting glory and honor; my story is not the focal point, my story is part of God’s bigger story.

On other news, the eye doctor is very pleased with how Jana’s eyes are progressing. We’ve done eye therapy six weeks now and still have another six weeks to go and then he will do another exam and make a care plan off of those findings. We had her to Hershey for more BOTOX shots. It sure helps to keep her right arm and hand more relaxed. And the Saebo Splint therapy for her right arm and hand is reaching its six month trail period and her one therapist is very pleased that her arm and hand is in a more natural position so we will be going back to occupational therapy. And with Jana participating in Club 625 activities on a monthly basis and also working with a psychologist, we’ve decided speech therapy is no longer needed. She is quite delighted about that.

Where is God?

Posted on February 21, 2016 by RoseAnn

“If you don’t feel close to God, guess who moved?” this has been said to me several times in my life and yes, since our accident as well (thankfully it was a stranger) and it always irritated me a bit because it seemed to me all my life I was searching for God and couldn’t find Him. It felt like He had moved or hidden or something. Then I found this verse: 2 Chronicles 32:31b “God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart.” So God moves away from people? And yet Psalms 139:7-8 says, “I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.” So how in the world does that work? We can’t get away from God but He can withdraw from us? Or is it more about where my heart is and what I am aware of? Could it be that when I don’t feel close to God that I am not aware of His presence? That I have not awakened my heart to Him, to His love? Or maybe I purposely or intentionally closed my heart in my pain and hurt. When I’m in pain and/or grieving, I tend to withdraw from people, to close my heart. And at times it feels like the pain is too overwhelming that God is far away. And maybe too, I’m angry at God for allowing this pain, this shattered dream. And God doesn’t feel like a safe God to be open with and to be pursuing Him. So why would I want to draw close to Him? Maybe I need a new or better picture of Who God is.

One way I’ve learned to dance in the storm is that I need to choose to open my heart, to awaken myself to God’s presence. He is present and He makes His presence known to me in unique, personal ways if only I am willing to be aware of Him. But how do I open my heart when God doesn’t feel safe? How do I “see” God in my situation? I have chosen to believe that God is good not necessarily safe. If I as a human, as a mother, love my children deeply and hurt when they do or when bad things happen to them and want the best for them, how much more would God feel the same towards me? He is the perfect Father. He knows what I need. He has my best interest at heart. And I think too we blame God for a lot of things that He isn’t guilty for. A lot of our shattered dreams are a result of this broken world we live in. We are living in a world God never intended for us. Also I have asked God to help my heart be sensitive to His presence, to see Him in the storm. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” All those years I thought I was searching for God, I wonder what it was I was searching for. I wonder if it wasn’t more about what I could get from Him than how I could bring glory to Him. If I do and say all the right things and obey all the right rules I’ll be a pretty good Christian and maybe, just maybe, my mansion in heaven will be nicer than most. And maybe God will really bless me and life will be relatively easy. So maybe I had a wrong perception of seeking God, of seeing God. Maybe I didn’t really truly want to find God because my idea of Him was He wasn’t a safe God much less a good one.

So where is God? I believe He’s right here beside me, actually He is inside of me because I ask Him to live in my heart. So if I am willing to look under all that pain and other junk in my heart and allow God to heal my heart, I will find Him. He is a good, good Father and He loves me, as Chris Tomlin’s song says.

The Christmas Season is for the Hurting

Posted on December 11, 2015 by RoseAnn

Yeah, I know that seems all wrong. It’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”, with all the decorations, gift giving, parties, things to do, all the music and lights, etc. And I’m not too sure we as Christians didn’t fall into the commercialization of Christmas in a “Christian” kind of way. And yet for some of us at times, well let’s be real honest, most of the time it feels like, “the most awful time of the year” instead. We have that shattered dream we’re trying to learn to live without. There’s an empty chair at the table, a bed that has no one to sleep in, or well _______________ you fill in the blank.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes,

“The celebration of Advent is possible only to those troubled in soul,

who know themselves to be poor and imperfect,

and who look foreword to something greater to come.”

And I also give credit to Grief Share for starting me to think differently, in some ways, about Christmas. That Christmas is for those who are hurting and experiencing pain. What is Christmas really about? Why do we have Christmas anyway? And I’m not going to get all theological about it or say it’s at the wrong time of the year or the many other things out there about Christmas. There’s plenty written along those lines. When I think about Christmas as I used to know it, I wonder, “Why do I have to do Christmas when my heart is hurting and I don’t want to hear the music and laughter? When my world has shattered and I don’t know how to put it together again. What do I do with Christmas and how in the world do I survive it, when ‘all things christmas’ feels so shallow, so frivolous, so empty? And so when I stopped to think about Christmas and the real reason we celebrate that day, I began to think I need to change how I do Christmas, how I see Christmas. Christmas is the day we honor the birth of Jesus, the day God came to live among us. Yes, I’ve known that all my life but it’s been since Jennie’s death that it’s really got me to thinking about Jesus’ birth and why He came to earth. Why did He live here 30+ years and die? If Jesus’ only purpose was to die to save us from sin, why didn’t God have His death happen sooner? Like when Jesus was two years old, instead of having Joseph and Mary take Him to Egypt or one of the many other times people were angry enough to kill Him. What if Jesus also came to show us how to live life? To show us He understands how much our hearts can hurt? To show us what love, grace, mercy and justice, etc. looks like? To show us a Father’s love? To show us who God really is? If you look in the Old Testament at the different times God’s presence was shown to people, their hearts were filled with fear. And God knew that so He came as a baby- who’s afraid of a baby? Listen to this song by Jason Gray. I identify so well with it in many places.

Listen to it again. Let the words of the song sink into your heart.

I’m wondering if a lot of the stuff I do at Christmas is to ease that deep down ache in my heart, the longing to make life here look a little more like the life I was created for, life in the garden. But this isn’t heaven and I shouldn’t try to make heaven on earth. The pictures I see of Christmas or at least what is trying to be portrayed as “Christmas”: people sitting by the fireplace, smiling and singing, good food, gifts, etc; leave me feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. Is there any room for some one who feels like crying instead of laughing? Someone who lost the music to the songs? Someone who wonders, “Where is God in the middle of this shattered dream?”

So what should Christmas look like? I’m not totally sure but somehow manger scenes and all the other “normal” christmassy stuff just doesn’t seem to quite fit. Jesus came to redeem us, to show us the Father, “to do a new thing”. I wonder how Jesus wants us to celebrate His birth, His coming to earth. I wonder if instead of being so busy doing stuff, we should learn how to be still. Instead of looking for all the perfect gifts, maybe we should be looking for Him, and instead of listening to all the holly jolly music, listening with our hearts for His voice. I wonder how often we miss Jesus because He doesn’t look like we think He should. What if He is that family whose loved one died? What if He’s that family who just received earth shattering news? What if He’s that sad-looking person I saw while grocery shopping? What if He’s that disabled person I had to wait on? What if His the child that asks, can you do something with me? What if ____?

I found this poem on the internet and it touches my heart.

If you look for me at Christmas,

You won’t need a special star.

I’m no longer just in Bethlehem,

I’m right there where you are.

You may not be aware of Me,

Amid the celebrations.

You’ll have to look beyond the stores,

And all the decorations.

But if you take a moment,

From your list of things to do,

And listen to your heart, you’ll find

I’m waiting there for you.

You’re the one I want to be with,

You’re the reason that I came.

And you’ll find Me in the stillness,

As I’m whispering your name.

Love, Jesus

Empty

Posted on November 4, 2015 by RoseAnn

Some days I feel empty, tired, not wanting to dance in my storm. I’d rather sit in the mud puddle. I feel like Jennie’s memorial garden looks. Empty. Nothing appearing to be growing or changing. Nothing good or beautiful happening.

But I also see in Jennie’s memorial garden the names of our living children. And that speaks hope to me. There is life. There is growing. Yes, it will take time, lots of it, to see what is taking root in their lives but even now I can see some good things taking place.

And I did plant some spring bulbs so I wonder what is happening underground where I can’t see. What are the bulbs doing? Reaching out for life? Dreaming of what they will be someday? It is my understanding that some flower bulbs need the cold of winter to be able to bloom in the spring. And I wonder do I need to go through a cold winter to grow, to bloom in the spring? Do I need to feel the emptiness of myself so I can better experience the fullness of my Father?

I wonder what is happening in my heart that I can’t see. I wonder what God is trying to teach me about Himself. I wonder what God wants me to be aware of about me in the emptiness I feel. Do I really believe: That God is enough? That God is there for me and not against me? That God loves me passionately? That as empty, dead and ugly as everything looks or feels like now, God is working and in His time He will reveal the thing of beauty that He is making? And just as I need to have faith and believe that come spring I will have beautiful flowers; I need to believe, to choose to trust that God is doing something beautiful and in His time I will see and understand. Although it may take a lifetime, not till I reach my Heavenly Home that I will be able to see the beauty that He making. And can I be ok with the mystery- that I don’t have to understand what is happening? Can I rest in Him, trusting that He is in control and He really does know what is happening in my life? I wonder if dancing sometimes is sitting quietly and pondering? Thinking about what is in my heart and asking God to help me know what is in my heart and to be brave enough to put words to what I’m feeling. I invite you to sit quietly and ponder what God is doing in the emptiness, in the cold of winter.

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What does Dancing in my Storm look Like?

Posted on October 18, 2015 by RoseAnn

In becoming aware of, that deep longing inside of me to dance in the storm, I had and still have a lot of questions. How do you dance in the storm? What does it look like to dance? What does it mean to dance when I don’t even feel like dancing? And isn’t dancing somehow wicked or at least worldly? Not something a really good Christian would do.

So I went to the dictionary and it says dancing is: to leap, skip, etc as from excitement or emotion: move nimbly or quickly. A picture that comes to my mind is: a sweet innocent young girl freely twirling and lifting her arms in openness and freedom.

But too often I don’t see myself as that. I see or feel instead heaviness, sadness even pain. I can’t lift my arms in openness. Instead I sit in the mud puddle huddled tight, closed in. Wishing, longing to be free, to be able to dance. But not being able to.

So when feeling like that, how do I dance in life’s storms? There are a couple things that I became aware of or maybe finally understood better and that has helped me to be able to dance in my storm. So will you see me skipping and leaping about? Hardly, my injuries in our accident have prevented that. For me, it is more about what my heart feels, what I believe about God, Jesus and myself. It is being willing to be honest, to ask questions and look for answers, yet not demand answers. It is about worship.

One of the most important pieces in this journey for me was the realization that Jesus died to heal my pain and to forgive my sins. I knew for years that Jesus died to forgive my sins and save me from hell. But I don’t ever remember hearing that He died for my healing. Isaiah 53:4 says Jesus bore our griefs, sickness, weakness and distress and carried our sorrows and pain. Verse 5 says He was pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our guilt and iniquities. The picture I was given was that Jesus spread His one arm out to heal my pain and the other arm to forgive my sins.

I find it interesting to notice that God put about healing our pain before forgiving our sins. Could it be that I can’t really grasp what it means to have my sins forgiven if my heart is full of pain? I think so- – I stood at revival meetings as a young teen hoping to get rid of the awful feeling I had inside of me. I prayed the usual sinner’s prayer, “I’m sorry I sinned, please forgive me and take away my sin.” And it helped for a couple of days but it didn’t take long for that churning, swirling feeling to come back, the wondering what is my life really about? Who am I? Why am I even here on this earth?

I hadn’t asked Jesus to heal my hurting heart. I don’t think I even knew my heart was hurting. I had no words for what I was feeling and even if I had, I think I would have denied it. By then I had been experienced some deep, painful wounds and had learned to deny my feelings. It was too scary to be open. I don’t think I even trusted Jesus or God. I didn’t have a true picture of who He really is. And that is something I’d like to explore in another post. But I remember the feeling that washed over me when I understood that Jesus died to heal me. I was shocked, stunned. Jesus really died to heal this broken, hurting heart. And yet because of what I thought about Jesus, I wasn’t too sure I wanted Him quite that close. It felt too risky, too intimate. I wasn’t sure it would be safe to invite Him in. But I am so grateful God kept pursuing me, kept trying to show me who He really is. That He kept drawing my heart to His, wanting me to learn to dance in the storm.

I invite you to allow Jesus to heal your pain and I realize that might feel like a scary, unsafe thing to do, especially if your picture of Jesus is similar to how I saw Him. So maybe, if you can just be willing, to think about inviting Jesus to heal your hurting heart.

Choosing to Dance in the Storm

My thoughts on learning to dance in life's storms

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