Not to be cynical or arrogant sounding and not to evoke pity either, but I have survived a lot of horrible stuff- sexual abuse, a husband’s infidelity, bankruptcy and foreclosure, church divisions, a horrific accident that took the life of one of my children and permanently disabled another and left me with life-long pain and after-effects, both my parents have died. Yet as I have pondered and processed over the years all the bad stuff that happened to me, I learned a lot about God- who He is and what He isn’t, and I realized I wanted to do more than survive or merely exist after the bad stuff happened and the reality is- bad stuff will keep happening. After all, I’m living in a broken messed-up world, one I was not created for. But surely there is more to life than mere existence after all Jesus said, “I came so that they would have life, and have it abundantly.” Abundant life- that sounds more like thriving than surviving.
What does thriving look like and could it look different to God than to me? I wonder if thriving is more about seeking The Healer rather than the healing. Honestly, if I compare my ‘before accident me’ to the ‘after accident me’; there are parts of me that are merely existing and yet there are also parts of me that are thriving. I would love to have a few more of my parts healed so I wouldn’t have to be in pain every day and I think I truly believe that God would be capable of miraculously healing those parts of me yet; but what if in His mind and heart, He says I’m thriving because I depend so strongly on Him to get through each day.
What if thriving is willing to be vulnerable, to tell my story? It’s when our hearts connect that they can grow and thrive. I can’t shut down my heart and still have the passion to live, to thrive. I can’t have intimacy without vulnerability, yet being vulnerable is so scary. What if I’m rejected because of what I reveal? Because of what I honestly admit to struggling with? I wonder if thriving is acknowledging the shame I feel but bringing truth to that shame and choosing to live out the truth, God’s Truth rather than to live out the shame. I wonder if thriving looks like a willingness to wrestle with God about my situation, asking those hard questions, yet not letting the situation control me, instead choosing to trust that God is working, that God is restoring, that God is redeeming, that God is healing.
When the Amalekites attacked Ziklag, destroyed it, and took David’s and his men’s wives; then when the men saw the ruins and realized what happened to their families 1 Samuel 30:4 says, “they wept until they could weep no more.” Then verse 6 says, “But David found strength in the Lord his God.” I wonder if there isn’t a connection there between weeping and being strengthened. David and his men were filled with anger, pain, and grief over the tragedy they found when they got to their town. I believe David’s ability to wail and weep opened his heart to be able to receive strength from God when his men were about to turn on him. I know from my experience that when I have wept till I could weep no longer that God miraculously filled me with His comfort and peace. When I choose to rest in God’s amazingly gentle strong arms, that is when the abundant life happens; it comes from experiencing God, having an intimate relationship with Him, and being willing to choose to dance different, even difficult dance steps, trusting, believing that Papa God is leading me in the dance and making beauty out of ashes.

Last night with the snow softly fluttering down my young romantic heart wanted to go walking so I begged my hubby dear to go with me. And bless his dear heart he got dressed up even though he was all ready for a haircut and we went walking through the city. There’s something about the quiet beauty of sparkling glittering falling snowflakes that touches my heart; I chose to be open and vulnerable and in the midst of the beauty I put words to some ugly stuff that had been triggered- once again from my abuse. Will it ever end?? I’m learning that putting words to my feelings somehow breaks the power the trigger has. It’s been a long hard journey but last night was one time we got it right. We were able to process and talk through the trigger in a healthy way. I felt heard although not exactly understood but I wasn’t expecting that. How can he understand me when at times I don’t understand me? 😏 I was so proud of us. I wish it would happen like this every time. And then in the midst of our heavy conversation, I hear tires sliding, a bump and crunch and seconds later more tires sliding and another bump and crunch. Even though everyone got out and was walking around; it amazes me how something so minor can create such a reaction in my body and heart and cause flashbacks of our accident. So we talked about our accident and the changes it gave us- once again before going back to our previous conversation. It seems we can never get away from or leave behind that one horrific night. It touches everything I do, it’s like a bad dream I can’t wake up from.

I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I love snow- it’s new fallen whiteness, the sparkle, the glitter, the softness of the flakes floating down. Sitting inside with a warm cup of coffee, watching the children playing outside. Snow is beautiful.

I hate snow/ice- it causes horrific accidents that change your life forever. It is cold and damp which increases the pain levels. It creates hard work for someone- the van and sidewalk need cleaned off. Snow is ugly.

And I wonder is beauty always in companionship with ugly? Sorta like pain and pleasure? I found it interesting that when we got back from our stroll, I felt more alive and stronger than I had all day. Is it when my heart sees and acknowledges the ugly that my heart can also be more aware of the beauty? When I allow my heart to feel the pain, it is then my heart is alive to feel the pleasure? To be willing to walk in the ugly cold snow so that I can experience the beautiful glittery snow. To be willing to walk the scary path of openness and vulnerability so my heart can experience the beauty of connection and care. And there are times, even though I chose to be open and vulnerable; I have also experienced more pain instead of care and connection. But just as our deepest pain often comes from relationships, our deepest healing also comes from relationships. And my most important relationship is my relationship with Papa God and what my heart knows and believes about Him. So I will continue choosing to dance in the ugly with Him for He has promised to make everything beautiful in His time.

“There’s a place where fear has to meet the God you know.”

What kind of God do I know? How do I know God?  How have I experienced God? And does it really matter or make a difference? I strongly believe it does. A. W. Tozer says, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” And that for me was another important piece in learning how to dance in my storm.  What did I think about God? And what do I now think about God? Grieving and facing my fears really has helped me “see” God in a whole different new light. It has become a passion, maybe a burden too, I want everyone to know God, to experience Him as I have come to know and experience Him. Yes, I realize God meets each one of us in a unique and personal way and that you can’t really experience God as I have because your story is different from mine.  But if in telling my story helps someone to see, to understand God more clearly, then I want to be willing to risk being vulnerable, open, honest and real.

For most of my life I saw God as this distant, un-involved, even maybe angry being. I needed to be sure I did everything right and followed all the rules and don’t ask questions. There was a lot of anger, distrust and fear in my heart. I also had a big misunderstanding about how God felt about me and His plans and desires for me, for my life. As a young teen I was told “It was God’s will that your mother died.” And I thought “I’m not so sure I like a god who plans my mother’s death. If he planned that, did He plan the abuse that happened, too?” And the fear and distrust of God in my heart just went deeper and I decided since there are only two options: heaven or hell, I’ll hopefully do just enough good to keep out of hell. Because hell did sound a lot worse than heaven, yet did I really want to spend forever with a God who planned awful stuff to happen to me? Such confusing thoughts, better not think too deeply about such things. Maybe the best thing would be to not think at all, to just do, obey all the rules, make sure I look like a good Christian, like I have it together and go from one good party to the next. I certainly didn’t think I really wanted to learn to know too deeply the God I thought He was or heard He was.But what if I was wrong? What if God wasn’t and isn’t like that at all? What if I hadn’t been given accurate statements about God? What if the God I knew didn’t exist? Through quite a long journey, of many years, tears and questions, I started to realize that some of the messages my heart heard about God where not accurate. God DID NOT plan all the bad things that happened. God NEVER even wanted bad stuff to happen to His people. It all started when that snake tempted Eve and she chose the tree of knowledge instead of the tree of life and the consequences of that choice. And the more I learned about God, the more I longed to know Him, to experience Him. It was in November 2013 that I had my first head-on collision with God and I’ve never been the same since. A lot of healing happened in my heart in that moment and I felt a freedom I never knew was possible. Then in March 2014 I had another collision with God, literally and figuratively, that collision also changed me forever. It put to test all the ideas and beliefs I had about God and the way I saw Him. A lot of them failed but I was learning to know a God I hadn’t realized existed. I was experiencing a different kind of God than I thought He was. And I fell deeply in love with the God I was experiencing. No, I never saw God but I’ve felt His arms and they are so strong, gentle and comforting. So loving and kind. So safe. So real and alive. It’s the only clear “memory” I have in the week after our accident and there are really no words to describe what it’s like, being held in God’s arms. It’s the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. On really hard days I go back to that place and let my heart soak in the love, strength, courage and grace that comes from just being held.

I’ve been listening to this song “More than you think I am” by Danny Gokey a lot and I wonder, who do I think I am to be able to tell anyone who God is or how I have experienced Him? There are no words, no thing that can really portray the awesomeness, the beauty of God; God is way more than we think He is. Our hearts have to be willing to be vulnerable and open to experience God.  I’m almost tempted not even to post my ramblings but I sense, I know that God is okay with my bumbling efforts; He will bring clarity and understanding to a heart that is seeking Him.