Category Archives: ponderings

God’s Glorious Amazing Grace

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What exactly is grace? Is it a fact to believe, an emotion to feel, or a truth to think? What does it look like in real life to receive grace from God? From people? What does it look like in real life to give grace to people? Can I give grace back to God?

               Is it giving God grace to realize He is a mystery to be explored and loved but not understood? So, I don’t judge God by thinking, questioning, or doubting what He’s doing. Is it grace to trust that God is doing what God does best – – Loving, Healing, Redeeming, etc. – – especially when it would seem that despite all my pleading prayers that nothing is changing, nothing is happening…

               How does God give me grace? Is it His gentleness and kindness as I stumble through life doing what I don’t want to do yet not doing what I want; and then wondering, “Ok God, what is going on?? Why is my life so messed up?” Is it grace for God to keep working in my life and heart? To keep convicting me to change to become more like Christ? Is it grace to give me the courage and strength to do hard things? To be brave and speak up for a weaker person?

               What does it look like for me to give grace to other people? Is it being curious about their actions, words, or choices rather than simply judging them and deciding they are messed up and just need to grow up? Is it being patient with them while they process what life has given them? Is it being kind and giving them an encouraging word or maybe even a word of caution?

               These questions and thoughts came tumbling out of my brain/mind as I was doing my homework for group one week on how I saw God’s grace in my life. I wrote out a good-sounding answer in my workbook but felt that I wanted to explore this further and just write…. I also did a bit of research and digging into the Bible…

                Easton’s Bible Dictionary defines grace as God’s favour, kindness, friendship. Webster’s 1828 Dictionary says grace is “the free unmerited love and favor of God, the spring and source of all the benefits men receive from Him. Also, “Favorable influence of God: divine influence or the influence of the Spirit in renewing the heart and restraining from sin.” I absolutely love those definitions of grace! Yes, Grace is a fact to believe, an emotion to feel, and a truth to stand on!! Grace is kindness, patience, and love in dealing with people, even my own heart. Grace is trusting that God is working even though it seems nothing is happening. And the only way we get this awesome, amazing grace is because of the work Jesus did on the cross because of His great love for humanity. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.” And 2 Timothy 1:9 says, “For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time—to show us his grace through Christ Jesus.” Ephesians 2:4-5 says, “But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)” This is probably my favorite verse about grace: So, let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:16 I can boldly come to my Papa God, and I will receive His mercy and will find the grace I need to live a holy, healthy life. Thank you, Jesus, Papa, and Holy Spirit for Your Kind Mercy, Your Amazing Grace, and Your Overwhelming Love… all I ever will be is because of Who and What YOU are…. may I be a fountain of Your Grace to first my own heart so I can be a fountain to the people I do life with. Give me wisdom, insight, and understanding to live and love well…

               Sometimes, those of us who have been believers for a long time can speak glibly about God, Who He is, and what He does for us. I want to encourage you, even challenge you, to stop and take some time to ponder – -God’s Glorious Amazing Grace and how it shows up in your life, and how do you show that blessed grace to the people in your world?

October Days

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“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” Anne of Green Gables

I mostly agree and love this sentiment of Octobers. The weather is often just a bit cool in the mornings making it perfect for those yummy tea lattes and wonderful pumpkin spice drinks. Then the afternoon sun is warm, and it is delightfully satisfying to hear the crunch of the leaves on a city ramble. Or to sit in the park and breathe in deeply the smell of cool breezes, leaves falling, and the blue sky with puffy white clouds. There is nothing quite like the smell of an awesome October afternoon. I want to put it in a candle for the hard days, so I can light the candle while wrapped in a cozy blanket being comforted that there is a time to honor the hard days. To remember that acknowledging the hard or painful moments is healthy.

               October is breast cancer awareness month; it is also the month that my mother passed away from breast cancer. This year it was 35 years since we said “goodbye” to her.

My attempt at watercolors.

I have been learning a lot these past few years about trauma, loss, and pain; and how it affects us mentally and physically. I used to think of trauma as being an event that happened to me. I have learned that trauma is what happens inside of us after a traumatic event happened. I have also learned that the care given at the time of the traumatic event or moments after the event has a big impact on how much or how deep the trauma goes. Another thing I learned is that trauma can actually rewire our brain, causing much difficulty in connecting with other people, especially if the traumatic event was perceived to have been caused by people. The thing is the trauma teaches our brains – I am not safe.

God created our brains to cause our bodies to react at a moment’s notice to keep us safe. When there is a physical threat to us, we react by fleeing, fighting, or freezing to get away from the danger. Our brain is doing what it was created to do. Our brain will also try to get us to react the same way if it is more of an emotional or mentally traumatic event. Our brain is trying very hard to keep us safe and no matter what the traumatic event we need help to talk about what happened. Also, if we are not cared for and given the opportunity to process the traumatic event, we can begin to believe all kinds of lies and wrong beliefs and react in unhealthy ways. Unprocessed trauma often ends up in an addiction of some kind. Addiction can wear many faces; it is not only drugs, alcohol, or sex. It can be food or games on our phones, pretty much anything to keep our hearts safe and locked up inside of us so we don’t get hurt again.

Amazingly, our brain can be rewired or renewed by what Dr. Caroline Leaf calls Brain Integrity. In my limited knowledge and understanding, it means allowing my words and actions to line up with my beliefs and feelings. Too often I say and do something different from what truly I’m feeling and believing and that creates a dissonance, a disconnection within me. The process of having Brain Integrity looks like taking time to gather the emotions that the amygdala is sending to the mind. While also reflecting on the motivation coming from the thalamus and hypothalamus and the existing memories that are coming from the memory networks. As all this is coming together in the brain, writing the thoughts, feelings, memories, and questions I am gathering and reflecting on is helpful. It is also helpful for me to ask myself, “What am I feeling and why?” “What is my heart believing in this moment?” “What is my reality?” “What truth from God’s Word could I live out with where I am?” As I am aligning my words, actions, beliefs, and feelings it creates a connected-ness instead of the dissonance inside of me, in my brain, mind, and heart. Scripture tells us that “the truth will set you free.” And to “let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” Also “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” As I talk with God and a couple of safe people about the after-effects of the trauma I’ve experienced over the years, I am becoming more aware of how centered and connected I feel inside instead of chaos and crazy feelings. It is a freeing, calming, and peaceful feeling. I’m so thankful for these new dance steps that my Papa God is teaching me and walking me through them. My heart is often overwhelmed as I experience His tender loving care while working through the trauma I have experienced.

Wrestling with God

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I touched on this briefly in my last post. I want to explore it more—Why is wrestling with God a good idea? What does it mean or look like to wrestle with God? How might wrestling with God show me better who God is? What might wrestling with God teach me about me? I believe for my health, spiritually and emotionally, as I journey through the wilderness, the desert, or the valley; part of being healthy and growing is wrestling with God.

There are several Biblical examples of people who wrestled with God. The most well-known is Jacob in Genesis 32:22-32. I am not so sure that it’s important to figure out exactly who Jacob wrestled with, God or the Angel of the Lord, and maybe They are the same Person. I believe the important part is that Jacob wrestled and that he held on until he received a blessing and a new name. What blessing or new name might I receive if I keep wrestling with God through the hard, the painful?

Abraham in Genesis 18:16-33 kept asking God to keep saving Sodom if there were fewer and fewer righteous people. God had started with saving fifty people and Abraham kept asking God to save fewer people till he got the number down to ten. Abraham was essentially arguing or begging God to change His mind. God shows himself to be compassionate and gracious and slow to anger. I, like Abraham, can keep pleading, begging with God for things I or someone I love desires or longs for. Who do I need to intercede with God for?

Matthew 15:21-28 tells us about a Gentile woman who kept bothering Jesus and His disciples. She kept asking for help, for healing for her daughter. Jesus blesses her for her faith. So maybe wrestling with God is a sign of faith? Or at least continuing to ask for what I want realizing that what I have is not exactly what I wanted.

Luke 22:42-44 tells us how Jesus wrestled with God. “Please take this cup of suffering away.” An angel appeared and strengthened Jesus, but He prayed again and more fervently… that sounds like wrestling to me, and in the end, Jesus submitted to the plan that would save all those who will believe Him. To Whom or what do I need to surrender in my life?

I believe in my wrestling with God, I learn to know God deeper, in a more intimate way. When I watched my brothers wrestle as children, they got in each other’s personal space, right in their faces. They got very close to each other when they were wrestling- arm in arm, rolling around on the floor or ground, arms and legs going all over the place. Even their voices got involved- yelling, grunting. Similarly, when I wrestle with God, I turn to Him and tell Him (okay, honestly, I cry and yell sometimes) all about how wrong and unjust the loss, the hurt, the hard, and the pain has been. I want Him to stop it, to fix it, to JUST DO something with it. What if part of the gift is that in the wrestling, I am very close to God? It takes courage to be that honest and real with Someone, especially the Maker of me. I think it’s the authenticity and vulnerability of bringing my fears, anxieties, loss, and pain that touches the heart of my Papa God and He reveals Himself to those whose hearts are opened in the wrestle. And as a follower of Jesus, I want to do as He did, surrender to my Wise, Good Father who ultimately causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

Surviving or Thriving

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Not to be cynical or arrogant sounding and not to evoke pity either, but I have survived a lot of horrible stuff- sexual abuse, a husband’s infidelity, bankruptcy and foreclosure, church divisions, a horrific accident that took the life of one of my children and permanently disabled another and left me with life-long pain and after-effects, both my parents have died. Yet as I have pondered and processed over the years all the bad stuff that happened to me, I learned a lot about God- who He is and what He isn’t, and I realized I wanted to do more than survive or merely exist after the bad stuff happened and the reality is- bad stuff will keep happening. After all, I’m living in a broken messed-up world, one I was not created for. But surely there is more to life than mere existence after all Jesus said, “I came so that they would have life, and have it abundantly.” Abundant life- that sounds more like thriving than surviving.
What does thriving look like and could it look different to God than to me? I wonder if thriving is more about seeking The Healer rather than the healing. Honestly, if I compare my ‘before accident me’ to the ‘after accident me’; there are parts of me that are merely existing and yet there are also parts of me that are thriving. I would love to have a few more of my parts healed so I wouldn’t have to be in pain every day and I think I truly believe that God would be capable of miraculously healing those parts of me yet; but what if in His mind and heart, He says I’m thriving because I depend so strongly on Him to get through each day.
What if thriving is willing to be vulnerable, to tell my story? It’s when our hearts connect that they can grow and thrive. I can’t shut down my heart and still have the passion to live, to thrive. I can’t have intimacy without vulnerability, yet being vulnerable is so scary. What if I’m rejected because of what I reveal? Because of what I honestly admit to struggling with? I wonder if thriving is acknowledging the shame I feel but bringing truth to that shame and choosing to live out the truth, God’s Truth rather than to live out the shame. I wonder if thriving looks like a willingness to wrestle with God about my situation, asking those hard questions, yet not letting the situation control me, instead choosing to trust that God is working, that God is restoring, that God is redeeming, that God is healing.
When the Amalekites attacked Ziklag, destroyed it, and took David’s and his men’s wives; then when the men saw the ruins and realized what happened to their families 1 Samuel 30:4 says, “they wept until they could weep no more.” Then verse 6 says, “But David found strength in the Lord his God.” I wonder if there isn’t a connection there between weeping and being strengthened. David and his men were filled with anger, pain, and grief over the tragedy they found when they got to their town. I believe David’s ability to wail and weep opened his heart to be able to receive strength from God when his men were about to turn on him. I know from my experience that when I have wept till I could weep no longer that God miraculously filled me with His comfort and peace. When I choose to rest in God’s amazingly gentle strong arms, that is when the abundant life happens; it comes from experiencing God, having an intimate relationship with Him, and being willing to choose to dance different, even difficult dance steps, trusting, believing that Papa God is leading me in the dance and making beauty out of ashes.


I am Loved…

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…but do I live like I know and believe I am loved? Do I believe I am accepted and loved just as I am by Papa God?

I mean we all have times when we doubt and question that God loves us. Life in this broken messed up world can be very hard and painful. We witness, and at times, experience it in very personal ways; which if I am authentic, I will admit to feeling doubt that God is good or that God loves me, and I question- “How could a loving God allow_______? You can fill in the blank with your own hard, painful story piece… I also wonder if maybe some of my reactions to life’s circumstances are because my soul is gasping for God, a connection with Him. To be able to experience His presence, His love, to live a life of victory. Our pastor said something that caught my ear, “We are to fight from a place of victory not for victory. Jesus has secured the victory for us already!”

What does living loved and fighting from victory look like? I think it starts with my belief; my actions always follow my belief. Do I believe I have Papa God’s affection, approval, and acceptance or am I believing I must earn it by living a life of performance? Do I believe the victory is already secured, that I don’t have to do more or be more to secure it? I believe God’s deepest desire is a relationship, a connection with me, with my heart. It’s then when I am vulnerable and authentic with God that I can live loved, that I can live from victory. I can live loved when I have experienced God’s overwhelming, never-ending love.

Living loved and fighting from victory also comes from a place of believing God is a sovereign God, an all-powerful God, and in a place of surrender to this God. I’ve had the wrong idea about what surrender looks like, I’ve thought it is a more passive approach “Okay, God I don’t like this, I don’t want what is happening, but I surrender to You.” I’m now seeing that true surrender only comes after wrestling long and hard, sometimes after an all-night wrestle with God. Surrender comes after asking all the questions and begging God for a different way or plan. Surrender often leaves one with a limp, a scar. Look at Jacob, Genesis 32:22-32, he wrestled all night with God and ends up with a displaced hip and a new name… I believe Jesus wrestled with God in the Garden of Gethsemane; He asked His Father several times if it’s possible to take away the cup of suffering and He was “in such agony of spirit that His sweat fell to the ground like drops of blood” yet in the end He surrendered powerfully to the plan for saving me and the rest of the world. Jesus was able to surrender because He knew and experienced what living loved was. It seems like surrender and living loved, fighting from victory is a paradox, an oxymoron but in the Kingdom of God it is the way to experience joy, to thrive, to dance in our storms.

One of Jennie’s favorite songs was “Victory in Jesus”. I can still see her sitting on the wooden swing set, swinging as high as she could go, singing as loud as she could. “Oh, victory in Jesus my Savior forever….” She is now enjoying that sweet victory, experiencing that sweet love…

Joy in Tragedy

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The joy of the Lord is my strength. Nehemiah 8:10

I’ve heard this verse so often over the years and honestly as a teen it frustrated me because it was always said to me when something bad was happening. It felt like a spiritual band-aid- we need a verse to say to spiritualize the hard time. I’ve also learned that when something keeps coming to me and I feel disturbed or unsettled by it; it is usually a really good idea for me to pause and sit with it. To question and ponder- Just what am I believing or feeling?

As I was pondering what I was feeling and looking at what I thought this verse meant; I realized I did not know what joy was or whose it was. I thought it was a happy, feel-good emotion that would give you strength to just keep on doing the work you’re asked to do. And, I also noticed it said the joy of the Lord. It’s not my joy and I can’t manufacture it and I don’t even have to try. It is the Lord’s joy.

Larry Crabb writes, “Brokenness is realizing He is all we have. Hope is realizing He is all we need. Joy is realizing He is all we want.”

The path to joy is often in joyless situations. It seems Joy is best learned from the teacher of pain. I believe I can only experience true joy when I no longer focus on stopping or avoiding the pain but instead embracing it and being honest and real about the loss that is causing the pain. I am no longer afraid to ask the hardest, most painful questions. I’ve learned that asking questions is one way my heart can be opened to experience God, to hear from God. Asking questions does not mean I’m demanding or expecting answers, it is one way to be authentic. Connecting moments of loss to a deeper power. That deeper power is joy…. Until we have an encounter with Jesus Christ, I don’t think we can understand joy.

I believe joy in grief or hard times looks different than joy in happy, pleasant times. Joy is sometimes tears streaming down my face because my heart is aching with grief and longing for my heavenly home. It is choosing to trust that my Father is creating beauty out of ashes. It is the feeling of an overwhelming, deep peace in my heart even though there’s chaos in my house and circumstances. Joy is focusing on my Father, not my fears. Joy is confidence in the goodness of God. Joy comes from worshiping at both altars- lament and praise: which is declaring the truth that God is faithful, and He is in the midst of the pain I am feeling and trauma I am facing. Joy comes from a dynamic faith, a knowing that “when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10 Joy is a sense of peace and contentment, a sense of freedom. It is being willing to learn some unfamiliar dance steps, trusting that my Papa is leading me in them.

I love this song “Faithfully” by TobyMac. I believe we will have true joy in our hearts when we realize that Papa God was there faithfully making a way for us, never leaving us.

But when my world broke into pieces
You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I’m a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You were there faithfully

In my darkest hour, You met me
So quietly, so gently
You said You’d never leave
And you stood by Your word
So quietly, so gently
In all my pain, You met me
You said You’d never leave
And you stood by Your word

The Hurt and The Healer

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It was only months before our accident I came across a saying and I’m not sure I can quote it exactly, but it was something close to this. “Most of the witnesses to God’s goodness are silent witnesses.” As I read that, I felt God was asking me to stop being a silent witness. But I also felt like my story, well it’s not unique; lots of people have been hurt and abused. And then one month before our accident we were at a sexual abuse seminar, and I heard this song by MercyMe, “The Hurt and The Healer”.  And instantly it struck a chord in my heart. I remember thinking, “Well none of my children have died but still through the abuse a part of me did die.” And I knew God wanted to heal my broken hurting heart. And I felt like lots of healing was taking place and I was finally alive. I clearly remember that week just prior to our accident, for the first time in my life I was longing to live, life was looking so exciting, so inviting, so freeing. I was finally learning to know who God really was.

     Then our accident happened, and I lost so much. I lost my song. I was overwhelmed with more pain and trauma than I knew what to do with. We were in the hospital with Jana on Father’s Day (June 2014) and Duane and Cindy Mullet were at church and someone somehow through skype or something like that we were able to hear the service. And they sang this song, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And I remembered again when I first heard it. And again, I felt like God was telling me, “The message of this song is for you.” And you know a shattered heart doesn’t hear the music it only hears the words. And it became my song. I have listened to it hundreds of times over the years.

Why?
The question that is never far away
But the healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Over the past months, maybe even years, I again realized I lost my song again or maybe more accurately the pain, the question, the uncertainty, the continued losses obscured the music. I’ve been writing just not publishing much and most of it isn’t even publishing worthy- raw anger, pain, and confusion. I again was believing the lies from the devil that I don’t matter, my story isn’t important, I don’t have what it takes to be a good writer. And again, my Papa God has been working and healing in my heart. I believe He is a good good Father and I am trusting He is working things out for His good and glory. I sense that Papa God is asking me to put my belief, my faith in action and honestly, I’m not totally sure what that all looks like; but I’ve started college with a dream and yes it’s hard work and making me doubt and question, “Did I hear God correctly?” I’ve been learning so much about trauma, pain, and loss, not only through books but in real life circumstances and again that tug to tell of the Goodness of God….

     So I’m typing up my ramblings and polishing them just a bit and will post them and I hope to touch someone’s heart and let them know they are not alone in the pain and confusion that life in this world gives us. I want to tell people how God has been so good to me so that maybe they have new eyes to see how God is there for them too. His Word promises “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:8

It’s Friday but…

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Sunday’s coming….

I’ve heard that quite frequently over the years and it’s a good-sounding cliché, but recently some rather strong feelings were aroused in my heart, so I started processing- Why is it bothering me? What is that cliché saying to me? And then it hit me- What about Saturday? Why aren’t we talking about Saturday? It felt like- “yes, it’s okay to talk about Friday, it was a horrible day but don’t dwell on it too much, just think about Sunday coming and all the good things that come with that day, but don’t think too much about Saturday, just try to hang on and deal with it the best you can.”

Friday- in the disciples’ world was the worst possible day. Their Leader/Teacher was unjustly tried, wrongly convicted and crucified. I put myself in their shoes and I get the fear, the anxiety, the questions, the terror and uncertainty of all that happened. I’ve lived through a few Friday’s when I thought for sure life was over and the reality is/was- the life I had known was over…but what happened Saturday?

Saturday- What were the disciples thinking, feeling?
I thought Jesus was going to save us but now He’s dead…
I thought Jesus was going to be king but now He’s dead…
I thought Jesus was going to set us free from the Romans but now He’s dead…
What did I miss? What did I not understand?
All I hoped for, longed for, wanted and wished….
Is gone- – dead…along with the One I thought was key to making it all happen.
Have I been a fool? Have I been following a fraud? I just don’t get it… I just don’t understand…

But what if I need to live through Friday to be broken enough to be willing to process Saturday, so I can really experience and appreciate Sunday? If I never experience death, how can I experience life? “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity.” John 12:24-25 What if the process of Saturday is what my heart needs to be broken open to receive Papa’s love? What if Saturday is all about being unsettled in my own ability to figure life out, to make life work for me? What if it’s about becoming okay to ask questions that have no answer? What if Saturday is about finding our how much my heart really does trust Papa and His promises?

Tomorrow will be Saturday, May 9; six years since I came home from the hospital. And in some ways it seems the last six years have been a very long Saturday. So many questions, so much uncertainty, so many frustrations, so much I don’t understand. But Jesus came out of that grave. He answered some of the disciples’ questions. I believed He explained some things to them over the next forty days. And I personally know that Jesus. I’ve experienced Him walking beside me. He’s promised never to leave me and He hasn’t. Yes, at times the pain and the questions almost hid Him but I’ve come to recognize a feeling, a peace way down deep in my heart and I’ve found out when I still myself, my heart and focus on that feeling of peace it grows. “Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 No, the pain doesn’t leave and the questioned aren’t all answered but I don’t have to dance alone. “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever!” Psalm 30:11-12 And Jesus has experienced pretty much the same stuff I struggle with and Papa’s never left Him and Papa’s promised never to leave me. “This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15 and “For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 He is the One I am trusting to lead me through the dance steps of this long Saturday. Sunday IS coming- it might be more than three days away but it’s okay and I am okay because God is with me. And I’m trusting, believing that He is what He says He is- A Redeemer – A Healer – A Beauty Maker – I can’t wait for Sunday to get here…
Oh what a day that will be!!!

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

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Last night with the snow softly fluttering down my young romantic heart wanted to go walking so I begged my hubby dear to go with me. And bless his dear heart he got dressed up even though he was all ready for a haircut and we went walking through the city. There’s something about the quiet beauty of sparkling glittering falling snowflakes that touches my heart; I chose to be open and vulnerable and in the midst of the beauty I put words to some ugly stuff that had been triggered- once again from my abuse. Will it ever end?? I’m learning that putting words to my feelings somehow breaks the power the trigger has. It’s been a long hard journey but last night was one time we got it right. We were able to process and talk through the trigger in a healthy way. I felt heard although not exactly understood but I wasn’t expecting that. How can he understand me when at times I don’t understand me? 😏 I was so proud of us. I wish it would happen like this every time. And then in the midst of our heavy conversation, I hear tires sliding, a bump and crunch and seconds later more tires sliding and another bump and crunch. Even though everyone got out and was walking around; it amazes me how something so minor can create such a reaction in my body and heart and cause flashbacks of our accident. So we talked about our accident and the changes it gave us- once again before going back to our previous conversation. It seems we can never get away from or leave behind that one horrific night. It touches everything I do, it’s like a bad dream I can’t wake up from.

I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I love snow- it’s new fallen whiteness, the sparkle, the glitter, the softness of the flakes floating down. Sitting inside with a warm cup of coffee, watching the children playing outside. Snow is beautiful.

I hate snow/ice- it causes horrific accidents that change your life forever. It is cold and damp which increases the pain levels. It creates hard work for someone- the van and sidewalk need cleaned off. Snow is ugly.

And I wonder is beauty always in companionship with ugly? Sorta like pain and pleasure? I found it interesting that when we got back from our stroll, I felt more alive and stronger than I had all day. Is it when my heart sees and acknowledges the ugly that my heart can also be more aware of the beauty? When I allow my heart to feel the pain, it is then my heart is alive to feel the pleasure? To be willing to walk in the ugly cold snow so that I can experience the beautiful glittery snow. To be willing to walk the scary path of openness and vulnerability so my heart can experience the beauty of connection and care. And there are times, even though I chose to be open and vulnerable; I have also experienced more pain instead of care and connection. But just as our deepest pain often comes from relationships, our deepest healing also comes from relationships. And my most important relationship is my relationship with Papa God and what my heart knows and believes about Him. So I will continue choosing to dance in the ugly with Him for He has promised to make everything beautiful in His time.

Waiting…

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JoAnn had another brain CT scan and doctor appointment and the message is still the same as the past 3 visits. “Nothing changed. Come back in 6 months.” And on one hand that sounds like fairly good news. I mean at least it’s not getting worse- the fluid level isn’t increasing… And at least she doesn’t need surgery… But on the other hand all the risks are still there, the most worrisome to me is the risk of seizures and all the issues that come along with that. So we’re still waiting and watching…wondering…

Waiting, waiting, waiting, seems like that’s all my life is about right now. It feels like I’ve been put “on hold” and I’m really very tired of waiting…

Waiting for the attorney to get all the paperwork done….

Waiting for the oven to sell…

Waiting for the headaches to go away…

Waiting for the pain to lessen…

Waiting for the “to do” list to get done…

Waiting for the longings in my heart to be met….

Waiting for the million questions I have, get answers…

Waiting to see Jennie again…

How do I keep my heart open, soft and inviting when the temptation is very real to put on the tough girl act and pull myself together? I mean if I would have just prayed more or oftener or better then surely God would have made the fluid less or even took it away completely. Or maybe if I read and studied the Bible more, something miraculous would have happened. How do I stay vulnerable and authentic when the temptation is to make it about me trying to control life, to make life work? If I wouldn’t be impatient and snap at the girls while doing school, then surely I’d be good enough and God would bless the desires of my heart. Or maybe if I was more self-disciplined and didn’t indulge my taste buds off of my “good for the brain” eating plan then He would honor and bless all that discipline with less physical pain, maybe even, no pain at all and lots of energy to wipe out that “to do” list. If I could somehow just do life the right way, do the right thing…

  But is my heart aware of what is actually happening? I think Satan brings those questions, those temptations and at the core of it all, is asking me the same thing he asked Eve…Is God good? Is He against me instead of for me? Satan wants me to make it about me, about me being in control and if I do, say or act just right, God will do the honorable thing and bless me and my efforts. But what if it isn’t about me at all? What if it’s all about God getting glory and honor through all of this? What if it’s about staying vulnerable and real with God and my heart and becoming aware of God and knowing Him on a deeper level than before? What if through telling my story, my struggle it encourages someone to continue trusting God? What if it’s about being more aware of how passionately God loves me and is longing for a relationship with me and in the waiting God is making beauty out of dust and ashes? What if Papa God is more concerned about my heart and what is in it than fixing my world or keeping my waiting at a minimum? According to His Word, “What you say flows from what is in your heart.” And “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” I told my friend I don’t think I’m dancing too well in this storm and she reminded me that when learning new dance steps sometimes we stumble, even step on each other’s toes but it’s a process of learning, of continuing to try. And it brought to my memory this summer when we went to Landis Valley Museum for their Civil War Days. One of the programs they had was “Recreation in the Civil War” and dancing is one of the things they did. The dance teacher invited the public to join them in learning some of the dance steps. She showed everyone how to do the steps but it was very easy to see the difference between the dancing group and those from the public who were doing it probably for the first time. The one little person I enjoyed watching, he was thoroughly enjoying it but was dancing all over the place, not staying in the proper line-up and once ran right into his partner. And I can’t help but wonder “Does God want me to be okay with where I am, maybe even enjoy where I am right now because He is with me? Does He want me to dance all over the place not really knowing what I am doing and run right into Him, trusting that He will lead me to the next step at the right time?” So I wonder if He isn’t working on a new dance step and is asking me to trust Him, to rest in His love and care while waiting, remembering how gently He held me and cared for me in the hospital.