Category Archives: my story

Beauty in the Making

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These pictures depict how it seems my life is right now: foggy, messy, chaos, unclear, uncertainty, fear along with lots of questions.

Just as I knew the ocean was somewhere in that fog (I could hear it), I know in my heart Papa God is right here beside me even though I feel lost in the fog of broken dreams, the messiness of hurting hearts, the chaos of learning to live and love well. And my heart cries, “Are you there? Where are you, Papa God? Why aren’t You doing something?”

And in the storm I hear the quiet reassuring Voice, “I am here. I am working. Just as it took your daughters several days of cutting, gluing and messiness to make something beautiful and precious; it takes time and care to make beauty out of pain and brokenness. The good work that I have begun, I will complete.” So I am choosing to rest in the clutter, in the fog, choosing to trust the Man who gave His life for me, surrendering to the beauty He is making.

 

 

Life with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

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March is brain injury awareness month shown by a green ribbon.

I find it ironic that March is also when our family suffered three TBI’s, from mild to severe, all unique, all different; as I read in one of our online support groups, “If you’ve seen one brain injury, you’ve seen one brain injury”. The injury, healing and after-effects are unique to that one brain injury. To me it is so amazing that both Jana and my brain injury were both classified as severe yet how different the outcomes were and are. I’ve been told a little too often “but you look so good”. Well some days, looks can be very deceiving. And green-to me green stands for life but in one sense life for me ended that night, the life I knew anyway. I have needed to learn how to cope with the new life I’ve been given and learning new things after a brain injury is often more difficult and needs more repetition.

I looked over the post I wrote almost two years ago about living with a brain injury and there are some things still the same, some things have improved or else I’ve gotten used to it or maybe I’ve adjusted and don’t expect as much of myself as I did. Yes, my brain still aches at times, especially after crying, although I believe with my diet change I have really reduced the severity and frequency of the headaches. The fogginess is better as well. I still have that buzzy, ringing, weird noise in my head, so I listen a lot to Pandora on my phone. Big crowds still very much overwhelm me and if I don’t have someone to focus on I allow myself to “space out” so I don’t go on overload- cause my reactions aren’t pretty to see. (Just ask my children) I still don’t multitask well. I still forget so much stuff!! But I have discovered a wonderful thing on my phone- called a calendar that can alert me when its time to do things- like turn on the oven so we can have supper on time. It also tells me when to do laundry but you’d think I could remember that if I want clean clothes I need to actually, uh like, start the washer. 😲 Thankfully not all days are as bad as that. But I do question and wonder, “What will my little girls learn or need to un-learn or re-learn because of my brain injury?” and I often ask God to protect their young hearts from being too scarred as a result of my limitations and issues. I have learned it helps a lot to be very open about my responses, reactions and struggles and to talk about their feelings.

I have found several online support groups where I can ask questions and talk with others who have experienced a brain injury, as well as hearing from other caregivers that also post helpful articles. It was through these groups that I learned listening to music is very therapeutic and healing to the brain as well as doing a craft or hobby. They are also stress relieving and stress is very hard on a person with a brain injury. I was excited to realize I remembered how to crochet and one of our neighbors asked if I would crochet a blanket out of some yarn they were given and I did. Reading is another very good activity for the brain and for me a paper version of a book works better than a screen version and I guess that’s because I was hit on the back of the head which is the part of your brain where your vision is controlled. On especially bright sunny days I will see floaty or sparkly things flying in front of my eyes. I will often get a head ache as well. Sunglasses have become my friend on our walks to the library or whenever I spend time outside. Another thing I learned is that our brains only heal when we sleep, which is one reason people sleep a lot when they have a concussion. But getting to sleep is one of my biggest challenges; it would be nice to be sleeping before midnight but too often I see midnight. The other thing I learned was I need to try to remember to look ahead when making plans so I don’t try to do too much. I have scheduled an hour of free time each day and over JoAnn’s surgery I realized again just how necessary that time is for me; time for me to rest, to sit back and drink a cup of tea or coffee. I read this article from the But You Don’t look Sick website to my family about “spoons” and it helped me explain to my family how I need to plan how to spend my energy. So I get asked, “Mom do you have enough spoons to do…?” Or I’ll be like, “girls the spoons are getting very low, I need your help or I need you to be extra quiet.”

I admit I still question, “Why did God allow our family to have two severe brain injuries to live through? How can He be honored and glorified when it feels like my life is messy and chaotic and my responses are not always Christ-like?” I have more questions than answers but one thing I do know is that 2 Corinthians 12:10b is very true, “For when I am weak, than I am strong.” In accepting my weakness and learning to live with my limitations, I have become aware of a strength, (sometimes it’s physical strength to continue to the end of the day, sometimes it’s a mental strength to say “No, I can’t do that”)  a confidence to continue living an abundant life even while experiencing pain; physical pain from the injuries of our accident, emotional pain of missing my smiling, cheerful little girl, as well learning how to best care for a disabled child. Even while experiencing shattered dreams and living in the tension of longing for another world while living in this one. Papa God is so good. This song Even If by Kutless is my desire, my prayer…

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Our 25th Wedding Anniversary

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Our Wedding DayOur eyes are full of stars, and our hearts full of dreams and our brains think they know how to make this thing called marriage work – – I mean we both love each other — how hard can marriage be?….

10 Years later…

The stars and dreams are not as bright and vibrant and the brain is beginning to wonder if knowledge is enough to have a good marriage?? But it has a stubborn/hardened streak – – If I just do the right things: like reading the Bible everyday, praying more, being more patient and kind, going to church more, then surely somehow, doing the right things will make a good marriage….

20 Years Later….

The stars have burned out, the dreams died and the brain is numb and doesn’t know anything anymore…. All the good I’d done didn’t help me when I found out about my husband’s infidelity, when I discovered his secret sin. We were in the process of losing our house to bankruptcy and foreclosure. Could life get any worse??? I started questioning God and everything I thought I knew about Him. As a last chance to save our marriage and to find out who God really was; I took the Core and Lab 1 classes at Life ministries. I promised myself to give it all I had, to be as nakedly honest and real with myself, my heart and God as I knew how to be and I found out- – There is a very loving Father God!!

And a month after our 21st anniversary life did get worse –  much more than I could have ever imagined. I now know why the divorce rate is so high after the death of a child (80-90% within 10 years) and after a disabled child (25%) and after a traumatic brain injury  (25%). Statistically our marriage didn’t have a chance to survive. And had I not met God during our classes at Life Ministries…..it might not have survived.

25 Years Later…

The stars are starting to twinkle again and dreams are staring to shimmer again – the brain stills feels it knows less than it ever did but my heart has experienced God in ways I have trouble finding words to describe – I’ve experienced such an awesome God, my heart quivers and trembles, there are no words – just here I am God. I’ve experienced such a kind, gentle, loving Papa God, my heart rests and says “This is the Daddy I’ve always longed for.” So if its possible I’m more excited about the next 25 years than I was on our wedding day. And I think its because I – well Casting Crowns says it perfectly..

Is there room in your heart
Is there room in your heart
Is there room in your heart
For God to write His story
You can come as you are
But it may set you apart
When you make room in your heart
And trade your dreams for His glory
Make room in your heart
Make room in your heart

And this song also encourages me that because of our brokenness, our marriage actually has a pretty good survival rate.

“The only way we’ll last forever is broken together.”

Anger & An Update

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Is there a difference between experiencing anger and being an angry person? In my opinion there is. And I think Jesus showed us there was and granted His responses were perfect. He experienced and responded to the anger He felt when the people made His Father’s house a den of thieves instead of a house of prayer. But when falsely accused at His trial He did not respond in anger. He was not an angry person; He knew Who He was and Whose He was. He knew where He came from and where He was going to. He had a vital connection to His Father, a connection we need as well and should strive for.

I believe too often we become angry people because we do not allow ourselves to feel, to experience and process our emotions or when we stuff our feelings. A person who is easily offended is an angry person. I believe if my first response to things done against me is anger, especially minor things, like a driver cutting me off or my child spilling a glass of water; I’m an angry person and I need to look deeper into my heart. What other deeper pain have I not admitted and processed? What other emotions am I not allowing myself to feel? Anger is often a secondary emotion; there is something under that emotion.  I’ve been there- I’ve been an angry person and when I looked below all that anger there was a deeply hurting heart. A heart that was stuffing and denying a lot of emotions. A heart that was dying piece by broken piece. I realized my heart felt insecure and afraid. I had been violated, taken advantage of and my world was not a safe place. I became an angry person to hide my hurting heart. Responding in anger felt safer, I felt stronger. Anger would keep people away. Who wants to be close to a prickly person? Yes, it’s in relationships we experience our deepest hurts but it’s also in relationships where we experience the greatest healing. And the most important relationship we can have is with Jesus. I very clearly remember the night I poured out my intense anger at God. I actually shook my fist in His face and told Him I think He’s being very unfair. He has no idea how painful my life has been and to lose a child to death was just the most awful excruciatingly painful thing He could have done to me. The words and anger just rolled and boiled out of my heart that night. And when I was spent, my heart emptier than it had been in a very long time; and yet through the anger, I felt in a very real sense the loving arms of God holding me and gently whispering to me, ‘Oh yes, I know the pain of your child dying. And all that other stuff I never wanted to happen; it was a result of the sin cursed, broken earth you live in right now.” And I never felt so loved and cared for as I did in that moment. I experienced Isaiah 42:3 “He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle.”  I never felt as loved as I did that dark night. I realized God is more concerned about me being honest and real with Him than He is about me doing everything right so I can make my way to heaven.

I don’t believe God wants us to be angry people but I do believe He wants us to get angry at sin yet choose to respond in a healthy good way. I believe He wants us to care for our hearts so they can be healthy. A healthy heart experiences and expresses a multitude of emotions and a redeemed healthy heart’s desire will be that its responses honor God. If I am godly- I will be like God- Love what He loves, hate what He hates, and get angry at what makes Him angry. Granted He will do it perfect and I will not but God knows my heart and the motives of it and His grace and mercy extends to my faltering efforts.

Update/Prayer Request: Joe and JoAnn were both back to Hershey for checkups. Joe is good for another year. But the tumor/cyst on JoAnn’s brain is enlarging/growing again. The doctor feels something should be done. But is it surgery, radiation or something else? Should it be done now or wait til she has more symptoms? The team of doctors was going to discuss her case this week sometime and hopefully come up with possible options. So it looks like we have some decisions to make. I’ve been feeling a bit fragile as I think of the possibility of brain surgery or whatever is decided. I know a whole lot more about how our brains work than I did 3 years ago when JoAnn had surgery done. I have more knowledge as to the possibilities of what could go wrong and the effects of that and part of me wishes I’d be a little more innocent of how much our life is impacted by how healthy and how well our brains work. Brain injury, whether traumatic or acquired, is a life changing, ongoing event. Also Jana has been back doing physical therapy again and her therapists have decided to try a brace for her left foot, as it was over compensating for her right foot, which would cause her to lose her balance and at times fall. Than you for your prayers.

Seeing Myself

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I wonder if how I see God hinges a lot on how I believe God sees me, or maybe how I see myself. What does God think of me? What do I think of myself? If I don’t see myself as having any value, why would I believe Jesus died for me? We have value to Jesus even as sinners. I believe He sees what we could be – what we were meant to be – living in Eden… a beautiful, perfect life. But we aren’t in Eden anymore, we are living in a broken world where Satan has taken everything God has made good and beautiful and twisted it and came up with a counterfeit for it. And we try our very best to either kill our longings or to control them or Christianize them but never look too deeply at what our hearts are truly longing for because we fear we can’t have what we want.

For a long time I questioned, why am I here? Am I loved, wanted? I didn’t believe I had any worth. I wasn’t much more than trash. I was ashamed and filled with shame because of what had happened to me. I was sure if I could have somehow been “good enough” I wouldn’t have been abused. I could have somehow prevented bad stuff from happening to me. After all “God is great and God is good” and good stuff happens to good people, bad stuff happens to bad people. And then in church we’d sing that song, something about Jesus dying for such a worm as I. And I thought “yeah right, who dies for worms?” I sure wouldn’t. But I don’t feel much different than a worm looks. Slimy and gross, crawling around in the mud and muck, feeling dirty, ugly and used; so why would Jesus die for me? I’m crying now as I remember those feelings of worthlessness, ugliness, and my empty hurting heart. I’m crying for that lonely sad girl wishing she could have known how much she was loved and cared for by Jesus. I wish I would have known the Jesus I know now, but I also realize my heart had its own journey of healing to take and healing can take a long long time.

But what if I saw myself as God sees me? What if my heart was and is beautiful? What if God saw me as a special unique child of His? So I starting looking for answers to those questions and many more and the more answers I found, the more questions I had. And the deeper I went the more I became aware of this mystery about God and who He is. The more I learned, the more there is to learn and some questions won’t have answers till we meet Him face to face. I realized too for my heart to be able to really “get it” I’d have to be vulnerable and trust God and have faith in His promises but trusting is not a safe thing to do. Trusting means people take advantage of you, they hurt you. But trusting God is vastly different than trusting people. Yet I think we learn to trust God by first experiencing trust in people which is why it’s so important for us as Christians to look in our hearts and allow God to heal the broken places so we can be very intentional about showing Christ as accurately as we can to the people in our world.

Trust is the opposite of fear. But I will only trust to the same level that I allow myself to experience God’s love. How do I allow my heart to open and experience God’s love? By embracing and being honest with what I’m experiencing in my heart. I have asked God to come and live in my heart and so to know God better, more deeply I need to go where He is and that is looking into my heart and what’s in there. I’m not sure how or why it works but it seems the more honest and open I am with myself and talk to God about what I’m feeling, the more I experience God and His love. Maybe the emptier my heart is of fear, distrust, anxiety and anger there’s more room for God and His love.

Seeing God

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“There’s a place where fear has to meet the God you know.”

What kind of God do I know? How do I know God?  How have I experienced God? And does it really matter or make a difference? I strongly believe it does. A. W. Tozer says, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” And that for me was another important piece in learning how to dance in my storm.  What did I think about God? And what do I now think about God? Grieving and facing my fears really has helped me “see” God in a whole different new light. It has become a passion, maybe a burden too, I want everyone to know God, to experience Him as I have come to know and experience Him. Yes, I realize God meets each one of us in a unique and personal way and that you can’t really experience God as I have because your story is different from mine.  But if in telling my story helps someone to see, to understand God more clearly, then I want to be willing to risk being vulnerable, open, honest and real.

For most of my life I saw God as this distant, un-involved, even maybe angry being. I needed to be sure I did everything right and followed all the rules and don’t ask questions. There was a lot of anger, distrust and fear in my heart. I also had a big misunderstanding about how God felt about me and His plans and desires for me, for my life. As a young teen I was told “It was God’s will that your mother died.” And I thought “I’m not so sure I like a god who plans my mother’s death. If he planned that, did He plan the abuse that happened, too?” And the fear and distrust of God in my heart just went deeper and I decided since there are only two options: heaven or hell, I’ll hopefully do just enough good to keep out of hell. Because hell did sound a lot worse than heaven, yet did I really want to spend forever with a God who planned awful stuff to happen to me? Such confusing thoughts, better not think too deeply about such things. Maybe the best thing would be to not think at all, to just do, obey all the rules, make sure I look like a good Christian, like I have it together and go from one good party to the next. I certainly didn’t think I really wanted to learn to know too deeply the God I thought He was or heard He was.But what if I was wrong? What if God wasn’t and isn’t like that at all? What if I hadn’t been given accurate statements about God? What if the God I knew didn’t exist? Through quite a long journey, of many years, tears and questions, I started to realize that some of the messages my heart heard about God where not accurate. God DID NOT plan all the bad things that happened. God NEVER even wanted bad stuff to happen to His people. It all started when that snake tempted Eve and she chose the tree of knowledge instead of the tree of life and the consequences of that choice. And the more I learned about God, the more I longed to know Him, to experience Him. It was in November 2013 that I had my first head-on collision with God and I’ve never been the same since. A lot of healing happened in my heart in that moment and I felt a freedom I never knew was possible. Then in March 2014 I had another collision with God, literally and figuratively, that collision also changed me forever. It put to test all the ideas and beliefs I had about God and the way I saw Him. A lot of them failed but I was learning to know a God I hadn’t realized existed. I was experiencing a different kind of God than I thought He was. And I fell deeply in love with the God I was experiencing. No, I never saw God but I’ve felt His arms and they are so strong, gentle and comforting. So loving and kind. So safe. So real and alive. It’s the only clear “memory” I have in the week after our accident and there are really no words to describe what it’s like, being held in God’s arms. It’s the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. On really hard days I go back to that place and let my heart soak in the love, strength, courage and grace that comes from just being held.

I’ve been listening to this song “More than you think I am” by Danny Gokey a lot and I wonder, who do I think I am to be able to tell anyone who God is or how I have experienced Him? There are no words, no thing that can really portray the awesomeness, the beauty of God; God is way more than we think He is. Our hearts have to be willing to be vulnerable and open to experience God.  I’m almost tempted not even to post my ramblings but I sense, I know that God is okay with my bumbling efforts; He will bring clarity and understanding to a heart that is seeking Him.

Fear

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As I’ve been mourning and allowing my heart to be aware of my loss, grief and pain, it also brings another part of my heart to life- – FEAR, mind-numbing, breath-taking fear. Yes, some is legit and understandable but a lot of it is not; it’s purely irrational. I think it’s another one of Satan’s tactics, if he can’t get me to ignore or deny my losses. He’ll get me to be afraid, afraid that something bad is going to happen again, maybe even worse than before. And then I question God, Are You a good Father? Will you take care of me or do I need to look out for myself? And wonder how and if I can survive another loss, more pain? I wonder how many of us live our lives out of fear without even knowing it. There are many masks I can wear so I don’t have to look fear in the face. Sometimes I hide behind the mask of being a good mother when in reality I’m scared. I tell myself a good mother protects her children and tries to keep them safe and yes, she does but she doesn’t stifle them or hold them back. A good mother allows her children to try and struggle and sometimes even fail; but she is beside them encouraging them, believing in them. Too often I want to be strong for my children and don’t allow God to show Himself strong to them, to me. Fear is paralyzing, it keeps me from moving forward. It keeps me from dancing in the storm. Fear is also numbing it keeps me from feeling the real, the raw emotions whether it’s pain and anger or peace and joy. It keeps me from being fully alive, experiencing life. Living in fear is very exhausting, mostly because I’m trying to control life; to make life work the way I think it should.

But why?? What am I afraid of, what is under all that fear? I’m thinking it might be that I don’t really, honestly, truly trust God. He has allowed some huge losses in my life- – What if He allows another one, more?? What if?? And a million questions/thoughts can go through your mind. Can I trust God?? Is He a safe God? Yes, No, maybe but He is a good good Father. Yes, He is a trustworthy God, He is faithful. I just need to page back through my journals and see all the many times He was there in the pain and loss. He still is here with me in my pain, loss and fear. But I believe I will only trust God to the depth I experience His love. But living in fear keeps my from experiencing His love; I need to face my fears and as hard as it sounds- I need to embrace that fear. Acknowledging, looking fear full in the face causes it to lose its power then I can release it, give it to Jesus. “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid…this shows we have not fully experienced His love.” 1John 4:18 As Casting Crowns one song says, “There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.” Facing my fear has allowed me to let my TBI define me; it has allowed me to accept how my TBI changed the way I live. No, it hasn’t defined who I am (I am still a beautiful daughter of my Good Good Father) but what I can do. There is so much freedom and peace in accepting myself and my limitations and acceptance takes away a lot of stress and pressure. Facing my fears has allowed me to dance in the storm and it has also changed my view of God.

A prayer request and I’m not sure who needs the prayers the most….Justin or us. He has committed to a year of service in Iraq. Talk about fear… well that brings it real close home.

3 Years…

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…ago my beautiful eleven year old daughter was buried. And I believe God cried that day because I faintly remember the rain, the cold, the horrible feeling that I’m in some sort of nightmare and I just need to wake up. But I can’t, nothing makes sense, there’s so. much. pain. So much sadness. But I also remember hearing a song being sung about going home, a beautiful land, and I did the only thing I could do- I raised my hand in worship, in longing. For awhile I thought it was a figment of my imagination that I raised my hand, then we watched the memorial service and I could see that I really did raise my hand. And many times since it feels like- that is the only thing I can do…raise my hands in longing, in worship. There’s still pain and lately it seems like the cloud, the shadow of sadness is just so overwhelming, it just won’t go away. And so I do, what it feels like all I’ve done the last 3 years is cry and ask questions. The death of a child causes one to ask questions that one didn’t know even existed till one walks through that valley. But I’ve also come to believe and understand that God doesn’t have a problem with the questions, the pain, and the sadness. He is more concerned about me being honest with my heart and being willing to explore the hidden, locked away pieces of it.

I’ve been reading a book in preparation for a class we’re taking and the one little story in the book revealed a whole new piece in my grieving journey. The story was about a caring friend questioning a man if he felt angry that his father died when he was a young boy and the man was shocked, of course not, my father didn’t die on purpose. But his friend helped him to see all that he lost as a young boy and even what he lost as he grew into a man because his father died. He finally admitted that, yes, he was angry at his dad for dying and in the admitting (confessing) the anger; it lost its power and he was able to forgive his father and his heart was able to feel the loss and pain he experienced through the death of his father. And allowing himself to feel the pain and sadness brought healing to his heart in a whole new way. And my heart was just struck by that story, it was me! Although I hadn’t seen it before. It seems Jennie’s death is allowing me to grieve more deeply the loss of my mother. Then I start feeling guilty and questioning, so did Jennie have to die so I could receive healing? And then I read this in another book, “Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t ever assume that My using something means I caused it or that I needed it to accomplish My purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about Me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.” So once again God met me and spoke to my heart. Thank you Father for being a redeeming Father, for making beauty out of ashes, for dancing in this storm with me.

This song I’ve playing and replaying that past several days. It puts words to what I’ve been feeling and also gives me courage and strength to continue living through the storm because my good good Father is in the storm with me.

Living with a Traumatic Brain Injury

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Here is part of a letter that I sent to our families to put words to some of the things I deal with regularly. I still only have a few and faint memories of that first week after our accident. I used to think, “When I get back to normal, this will change or get better or go away.”  I’ve come to the realization and acceptance (I hope) that I will always deal with some after affects from my brain injury. Yes, there has been a lot of healing and I am grateful for all the healing that has taken place. And in coming to an acceptance of my situation, it means I am willing to work with my limitations, my disabilities, and not beat myself up or feel like I am worth less than I was before.

Dear Family,

      At the suggestion of our psychologist counselor, I will attempt to put words to what its like for me to live with a traumatic brain injury and what my family puts up with on a daily basis.

I want you to understand I’m not asking for pity or sympathy. The truth is, I’d rather not have your pity or sympathy, but what I would like is your compassion and grace. I don’t think you can even begin to understand, my dear hubby doesn’t and at times I think he must wonder, “Who is my wife? What has happened to her?” Our accident forever changed me and there are times I’m not sure who I have become. I see life very differently than I used to. I think differently than I used to. And as little sense as this may make to you- my head/mind feels differently than before.

So what’s it like to live with a brain injury? Well for starters how about always having your brain ache? Most days it’s just there in the background with everything I do, but there are times I get this sharp, stabbing shooting pain up the back of my head. I almost always hold my head as it feels it might pop open if I don’t. Then there are days when the head ache is so bad my vision gets blurry, I’m nauseous and dizzy. All I can do is lie down and hope everyone whispers and keeps the lights off.

The other thing is a noise in my head all. the. time. And I struggle to find words to explain this noise- – a sort of humming, static noise, like a radio that’s not quite tuned in or sometimes it’s a ringing sound. And during the day I usually don’t think about it as there is plenty of other noise and things and people that need my attention. But come bedtime when everyone else was asleep it used to drive me almost crazy- now I turn the music on and eventually drift off to sleep.

Then there are days when my mind feels like a dense foggy morning looks. And I just want to go back to “normal”. I feel very dull and I need you to repeat what you said as not a thing made sense to me. And on those kind of days or when I have a bad head ache I don’t remember things my husband or children tell me. They’ve taken to writing notes and things down for me.

Another thing that is difficult for me is to be in a group of people and it doesn’t have to be a big crowd. If two of the children are trying to talk to me at the same time, I go a little crazy and can’t hear anything either one said. Sunday mornings is especially bad. I can do okay with the sermon as long as we sit closer to the front so I don’t see as many people and I take notes and focus on the speaker, but Sunday school is more difficult especially if the class is larger and there’s lots of discussion. It takes so much energy to focus on listening what’s being said that by the time church is over I’m done, my brain just aches. And of course that’s when everyone starts talking and my ability to hear, to concentrate totally leaves.

I can no longer multitask very well. I have learned to plan my day and make blocks of time to do certain things and yes its all written out cause I wouldn’t remember what to do next. This is yet another problem for me- my memory. And I have had people tell me, “Its ok, I forget too.” Or “I have a bad memory, too.” Thanks for trying to sympathize but I’m sorry it’s not quite the same. Its more like I think I’m losing my mind or my ability to think to process and there appears to be no rhyme or reason when it will happen. My mind goes totally blank and I don’t remember what I was doing, where I was going or…..Here’s an example that happened recently: We were on our way to church, when all of a sudden sitting there I was thinking- “Where in the world are we going and why?” (Thankfully Joe was driving.) Yes, I was holding my Bible and notebook but that didn’t help. I snuck a look over at Joe and thought “he’s dressed up” and I looked at me again “so am I. Oh duh we are going to church. What is happening to me?” How can I forget we are on our way to church? I have no idea why it happens but it does and rather frequently.

As I said earlier I don’t want your pity. I’d appreciate your compassion and grace and a willingness to work with me. If you could email or write or text me the dates, times etc that I need to know about; it would make it easier for me to remember. And if I forget something you told me please don’t take it personal. It’s not that I have something against you. It’s only because my brain doesn’t work quite like it used too.

Thank you for caring and praying for us, RoseAnn

What does Dancing in my Storm look Like?

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In becoming aware of, that deep longing inside of me to dance in the storm, I had and still have a lot of questions. How do you dance in the storm? What does it look like to dance? What does it mean to dance when I don’t even feel like dancing? And isn’t dancing somehow wicked or at least worldly? Not something a really good Christian would do.

So I went to the dictionary and it says dancing is: to leap, skip, etc as from excitement or emotion: move nimbly or quickly. A picture that comes to my mind is: a sweet innocent young girl freely twirling and lifting her arms in openness and freedom.

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But too often I don’t see myself as that. I see or feel instead heaviness, sadness even pain. I can’t lift my arms in openness. Instead I sit in the mud puddle huddled tight, closed in. Wishing, longing to be free, to be able to dance. But not being able to.

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So when feeling like that, how do I dance in life’s storms? There are a couple things that I became aware of or maybe finally understood better and that has helped me to be able to dance in my storm. So will you see me skipping and leaping about? Hardly, my injuries in our accident have prevented that. For me, it is more about what my heart feels, what I believe about God, Jesus and myself. It is being willing to be honest, to ask questions and look for answers, yet not demand answers. It is about worship.

One of the most important pieces in this journey for me was the realization that Jesus died to heal my pain and to forgive my sins. I knew for years that Jesus died to forgive my sins and save me from hell. But I don’t ever remember hearing that He died for my healing. Isaiah 53:4 says Jesus bore our griefs, sickness, weakness and distress and carried our sorrows and pain. Verse 5 says He was pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our guilt and iniquities. The picture I was given was that Jesus spread His one arm out to heal my pain and the other arm to forgive my sins.

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I find it interesting to notice that God put about healing our pain before forgiving our sins. Could it be that I can’t really grasp what it means to have my sins forgiven if my heart is full of pain?  I think so- – I stood at revival meetings as a young teen hoping to get rid of the awful feeling I had inside of me. I prayed the usual sinner’s prayer, “I’m sorry I sinned, please forgive me and take away my sin.” And it helped for a couple of days but it didn’t take long for that churning, swirling feeling to come back, the wondering what is my life really about? Who am I?  Why am I even here on this earth?

I hadn’t asked Jesus to heal my hurting heart. I don’t think I even knew my heart was hurting. I had no words for what I was feeling and even if I had, I think I would have denied it. By then I had been experienced some deep, painful wounds and had learned to deny my feelings. It was too scary to be open. I don’t think I even trusted Jesus or God. I didn’t have a true picture of who He really is. And that is something I’d like to explore in another post. But I remember the feeling that washed over me when I understood that Jesus died to heal me. I was shocked, stunned. Jesus really died to heal this broken, hurting heart. And yet because of what I thought about Jesus, I wasn’t too sure I wanted Him quite that close. It felt too risky, too intimate. I wasn’t sure it would be safe to invite Him in. But I am so grateful God kept pursuing me, kept trying to show me who He really is. That He kept drawing my heart to His, wanting me to learn to dance in the storm.

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I invite you to allow Jesus to heal your pain and I realize that might feel like a scary, unsafe thing to do, especially if your picture of Jesus is similar to how I saw Him. So maybe, if you can just be willing, to think about inviting Jesus to heal your hurting heart.