October Days

Posted on October 30, 2024 by RoseAnn

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” Anne of Green Gables

I mostly agree and love this sentiment of Octobers. The weather is often just a bit cool in the mornings making it perfect for those yummy tea lattes and wonderful pumpkin spice drinks. Then the afternoon sun is warm, and it is delightfully satisfying to hear the crunch of the leaves on a city ramble. Or to sit in the park and breathe in deeply the smell of cool breezes, leaves falling, and the blue sky with puffy white clouds. There is nothing quite like the smell of an awesome October afternoon. I want to put it in a candle for the hard days, so I can light the candle while wrapped in a cozy blanket being comforted that there is a time to honor the hard days. To remember that acknowledging the hard or painful moments is healthy.

October is breast cancer awareness month; it is also the month that my mother passed away from breast cancer. This year it was 35 years since we said “goodbye” to her.

I have been learning a lot these past few years about trauma, loss, and pain; and how it affects us mentally and physically. I used to think of trauma as being an event that happened to me. I have learned that trauma is what happens inside of us after a traumatic event happened. I have also learned that the care given at the time of the traumatic event or moments after the event has a big impact on how much or how deep the trauma goes. Another thing I learned is that trauma can actually rewire our brain, causing much difficulty in connecting with other people, especially if the traumatic event was perceived to have been caused by people. The thing is the trauma teaches our brains – I am not safe.

God created our brains to cause our bodies to react at a moment’s notice to keep us safe. When there is a physical threat to us, we react by fleeing, fighting, or freezing to get away from the danger. Our brain is doing what it was created to do. Our brain will also try to get us to react the same way if it is more of an emotional or mentally traumatic event. Our brain is trying very hard to keep us safe and no matter what the traumatic event we need help to talk about what happened. Also, if we are not cared for and given the opportunity to process the traumatic event, we can begin to believe all kinds of lies and wrong beliefs and react in unhealthy ways. Unprocessed trauma often ends up in an addiction of some kind. Addiction can wear many faces; it is not only drugs, alcohol, or sex. It can be food or games on our phones, pretty much anything to keep our hearts safe and locked up inside of us so we don’t get hurt again.

Amazingly, our brain can be rewired or renewed by what Dr. Caroline Leaf calls Brain Integrity. In my limited knowledge and understanding, it means allowing my words and actions to line up with my beliefs and feelings. Too often I say and do something different from what truly I’m feeling and believing and that creates a dissonance, a disconnection within me. The process of having Brain Integrity looks like taking time to gather the emotions that the amygdala is sending to the mind. While also reflecting on the motivation coming from the thalamus and hypothalamus and the existing memories that are coming from the memory networks. As all this is coming together in the brain, writing the thoughts, feelings, memories, and questions I am gathering and reflecting on is helpful. It is also helpful for me to ask myself, “What am I feeling and why?” “What is my heart believing in this moment?” “What is my reality?” “What truth from God’s Word could I live out with where I am?” As I am aligning my words, actions, beliefs, and feelings it creates a connected-ness instead of the dissonance inside of me, in my brain, mind, and heart. Scripture tells us that “the truth will set you free.” And to “let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” Also “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” As I talk with God and a couple of safe people about the after-effects of the trauma I’ve experienced over the years, I am becoming more aware of how centered and connected I feel inside instead of chaos and crazy feelings. It is a freeing, calming, and peaceful feeling. I’m so thankful for these new dance steps that my Papa God is teaching me and walking me through them. My heart is often overwhelmed as I experience His tender loving care while working through the trauma I have experienced.

Surviving or Thriving

Posted on August 28, 2023 by RoseAnn

Not to be cynical or arrogant sounding and not to evoke pity either, but I have survived a lot of horrible stuff- sexual abuse, a husband’s infidelity, bankruptcy and foreclosure, church divisions, a horrific accident that took the life of one of my children and permanently disabled another and left me with life-long pain and after-effects, both my parents have died. Yet as I have pondered and processed over the years all the bad stuff that happened to me, I learned a lot about God- who He is and what He isn’t, and I realized I wanted to do more than survive or merely exist after the bad stuff happened and the reality is- bad stuff will keep happening. After all, I’m living in a broken messed-up world, one I was not created for. But surely there is more to life than mere existence after all Jesus said, “I came so that they would have life, and have it abundantly.” Abundant life- that sounds more like thriving than surviving.
What does thriving look like and could it look different to God than to me? I wonder if thriving is more about seeking The Healer rather than the healing. Honestly, if I compare my ‘before accident me’ to the ‘after accident me’; there are parts of me that are merely existing and yet there are also parts of me that are thriving. I would love to have a few more of my parts healed so I wouldn’t have to be in pain every day and I think I truly believe that God would be capable of miraculously healing those parts of me yet; but what if in His mind and heart, He says I’m thriving because I depend so strongly on Him to get through each day.
What if thriving is willing to be vulnerable, to tell my story? It’s when our hearts connect that they can grow and thrive. I can’t shut down my heart and still have the passion to live, to thrive. I can’t have intimacy without vulnerability, yet being vulnerable is so scary. What if I’m rejected because of what I reveal? Because of what I honestly admit to struggling with? I wonder if thriving is acknowledging the shame I feel but bringing truth to that shame and choosing to live out the truth, God’s Truth rather than to live out the shame. I wonder if thriving looks like a willingness to wrestle with God about my situation, asking those hard questions, yet not letting the situation control me, instead choosing to trust that God is working, that God is restoring, that God is redeeming, that God is healing.
When the Amalekites attacked Ziklag, destroyed it, and took David’s and his men’s wives; then when the men saw the ruins and realized what happened to their families 1 Samuel 30:4 says, “they wept until they could weep no more.” Then verse 6 says, “But David found strength in the Lord his God.” I wonder if there isn’t a connection there between weeping and being strengthened. David and his men were filled with anger, pain, and grief over the tragedy they found when they got to their town. I believe David’s ability to wail and weep opened his heart to be able to receive strength from God when his men were about to turn on him. I know from my experience that when I have wept till I could weep no longer that God miraculously filled me with His comfort and peace. When I choose to rest in God’s amazingly gentle strong arms, that is when the abundant life happens; it comes from experiencing God, having an intimate relationship with Him, and being willing to choose to dance different, even difficult dance steps, trusting, believing that Papa God is leading me in the dance and making beauty out of ashes.

The Hurt and The Healer

Posted on December 12, 2022 by RoseAnn

It was only months before our accident I came across a saying and I’m not sure I can quote it exactly, but it was something close to this. “Most of the witnesses to God’s goodness are silent witnesses.” As I read that, I felt God was asking me to stop being a silent witness. But I also felt like my story, well it’s not unique; lots of people have been hurt and abused. And then one month before our accident we were at a sexual abuse seminar, and I heard this song by MercyMe, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And instantly it struck a chord in my heart. I remember thinking, “Well none of my children have died but still through the abuse a part of me did die.” And I knew God wanted to heal my broken hurting heart. And I felt like lots of healing was taking place and I was finally alive. I clearly remember that week just prior to our accident, for the first time in my life I was longing to live, life was looking so exciting, so inviting, so freeing. I was finally learning to know who God really was.

Then our accident happened, and I lost so much. I lost my song. I was overwhelmed with more pain and trauma than I knew what to do with. We were in the hospital with Jana on Father’s Day (June 2014) and Duane and Cindy Mullet were at church and someone somehow through skype or something like that we were able to hear the service. And they sang this song, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And I remembered again when I first heard it. And again, I felt like God was telling me, “The message of this song is for you.” And you know a shattered heart doesn’t hear the music it only hears the words. And it became my song. I have listened to it hundreds of times over the years.

Why?
The question that is never far away
But the healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Over the past months, maybe even years, I again realized I lost my song again or maybe more accurately the pain, the question, the uncertainty, the continued losses obscured the music. I’ve been writing just not publishing much and most of it isn’t even publishing worthy- raw anger, pain, and confusion. I again was believing the lies from the devil that I don’t matter, my story isn’t important, I don’t have what it takes to be a good writer. And again, my Papa God has been working and healing in my heart. I believe He is a good good Father and I am trusting He is working things out for His good and glory. I sense that Papa God is asking me to put my belief, my faith in action and honestly, I’m not totally sure what that all looks like; but I’ve started college with a dream and yes it’s hard work and making me doubt and question, “Did I hear God correctly?” I’ve been learning so much about trauma, pain, and loss, not only through books but in real life circumstances and again that tug to tell of the Goodness of God….

So I’m typing up my ramblings and polishing them just a bit and will post them and I hope to touch someone’s heart and let them know they are not alone in the pain and confusion that life in this world gives us. I want to tell people how God has been so good to me so that maybe they have new eyes to see how God is there for them too. His Word promises “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Caregiver Burnout…

Posted on July 31, 2022 by RoseAnn

…is one of my problems. When it was brought to my attention, I was not sure if it really fit. I had heard the term burnout but mostly associated with those in missions or on the mission field because I heard it happened when a person was trying to do God’s work instead of waiting for God to care of it.

But my inquisitive brain would not let it go. I kept thinking about it- What exactly is caregiver burnout? And can I, as a parent really, have it? I mean it is demanding work being a mother and yes sometimes it feels like I am asked to do the impossible, to do what only God can.

I found out caregiver burnout is when you are in a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental state of exhaustion. Ummmm well I qualify for that…. seems like I am tired even before I get out of bed some days. I realize my brain injury has a big part to play into that as well. Here are some of the caregiver burnout symptoms I found:

Lack of energy
Overwhelming fatigue
Weight loss or gain
Sleeping too much or too little
A feeling of hopelessness
Anxiety
Depression
Mood swings
Difficulty coping with normal everyday routine
Headaches, stomach aches or other physical problems

So yeah, I can identify with quite a few of those symptoms but does a mother really suffer from caregiver burnout? I am going to stick my neck out and say “yes!” We mothers are usually our children’s primary caregiver and most times they grow up and become independent young adults; but sometimes the plan breaks, and they end up as forever children, not having the ability to become totally independent. While I would not change having had six wonderful children, it is extremely exhausting and add trauma and it’s after effects to that and it is no wonder I am exhausted.

So, what’s a mother to do? I do not fore see any substantial changes in my near future that would ease the caregiving aspect. The different websites I had read used words- “self-love,” “self-care,” and “self-respect” and while that may sound very selfish and not at all Christ-like, what is the greatest commandment? Matthew 22:36-40 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” What does it look like to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind? To love my neighbor (my children) as myself? I wonder if we really understand what loving looks like. In our world we use love too lavishly and frivolously, (I love coffee and chocolate.) especially in comparison to how Christ loved (He lived and died showing us what love truly is). I looked at The Gospels and noticed Christ seemed to regularly go to the mountains to pray or He got up before daybreak. So, He spent time alone with His Father, away from the crowds who desperately wanted something from Him.

What does it look like for me to love well? To love with all my heart, soul and mind? That encompasses the three parts of us (physical, emotional, and spiritual) and if one of them is not well it does affect the other two. If my mind is so exhausted and my body too tired from lack of sleep, how can my heart and spirit hear the truth of God’s Word?

I had been unknowingly learning to do one of the most important things to ease caregiver burnout. I had started scheduling things to do a little bit each day instead of doing a big job all day long. I started giving myself grace and space to be okay with things done more simply and differently than what I grew up learning how to do. I now make a casserole or soup, do one load of laundry a day, clean one room or even a section of one room a day. I actually schedule free time- time to read and relax. I take time to be in nature as I find that very relaxing. I’m learning what makes my brain feel overloaded and how to work with that in a healthy way, too. I’m still learning what it looks like in real life what it means to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbor (my children) as myself. I’m so grateful for God’s never-ending love, mercy and grace as I continue to be human and make mistakes.

***Disclaimer: I had started this post several years ago and never finished it. I felt too vulnerable, too insecure; (it still feels vulnerable but I’m more secure now) I was certain I was doing something wrong. I did not think a good Christian would be experiencing so many of the feelings I was. But I still identify with some of the symptoms of caregiver burnout, so I decided to finish it. I’m becoming more accepting of myself and my journey to healthy wholeness, realizing that true and complete wholeness isn’t happening till I reach the Promised Land. Over the years I have come to understand that to accept/acknowledge the losses, I must grieve, in a healthy way, what I lost and that sometimes grieving is a longer journey than one would think because some losses are not always visible and some losses one isn’t aware of till years after the event that caused the loss. I have also learned that sometimes dancing in the storm is choosing to rest in my Father’s arms, to be still and know, to trust in His never-ending love. To hold on to the belief that Papa finishes what He starts and that He is making beauty out of ashes.

I found this song “I Will” by Citizen Way and have listened to it so very often over the years:

I know you’re feeling overwhelmed
Before the day even begins
But I can see beyond the now
This is not how your story ends
And when you’re at your weakest
Oh I’ve never been more strong
So let Me be the One you’re leaning on.

A Monumental Moment

Posted on September 9, 2020 by RoseAnn

Last November when I was at The Gathering, which was a day to remember, mourn, lament, worship, reclaim and celebrate sexual abuse trauma and survivors. Trudy said something like, “Remember being baptized to be a church member is not the same thing as being baptized as a follower of Jesus.” It grabbed the attention of my heart and I started thinking, processing- asking myself questions. I started looking into what the Bible says about baptism and I heard God asking me to be baptized as a follower, a believer of His. And yes, we had the usual discussion/arguing when being asked to do something big and scary but in the end like usual Love wins and I’m so grateful for Papa God’s mercy and grace.

One reason it was so monumental was the amazing way God healed a part of my heart. One of my arguments with God was over the terror I felt at the thought of being baptized especially after I learned from our pastor that he baptizes by immersion. When one is traumatized, the body doesn’t forget what happened, the brain sees the facts of the present, and the heart remembers and feels the traumatic emotions but often can’t connect things; it takes time and a safe person to help process it. My brain told my heart “come on, what’s the big deal? Its just water.” Yes, yes, I know all that and no matter what my brain told my heart it was still terrified; but I told my heart, “let’s just trust Papa in this and keep telling Him what you’re feeling, keep walking in obedience to His leading.” The evening before my baptism, I was talking with Rachel, a close friend and she asked, “What are the chances it’s connected to your accident? Wasn’t it raining, maybe you got wet?” And after confirming a few details with my hubby, my heart connected things and knew where the terror was coming from. As I talked to the pastor about it he asked, “Do you believe that God can heal and redeem this through baptism?” I do. And guess what? He did! I felt nothing but His love and peace as I stepped into the water. I was immersed in the peace that passes all understanding and the wild, wonderful love of God. It was an amazing experience!

Here is my testimony that I gave just prior to being baptized:

Even though I went to church all my life and was even a church member- it wasn’t until I was almost 40 that I finally found The One my heart was searching for.

My story feels pretty messy and ugly- lots of loss, pain, abuse, death and anger. I spent years trying to do all the right things, to be a good enough church member but it wasn’t working. There was no peace and rest in my heart or soul. So as a last resort, I signed up for a class. I thought if I don’t meet up with Jesus through this- then there really isn’t a God- He’s just a figment of some people’s imagination- just another way to get what they think makes a good life….

But over the months while taking the class and doing the required assignments, I learned to know a Jesus/a God, I had no idea existed. Jesus broke through the wall I built around my heart to keep it safe, broke through the lies I believed about Him and for the first time in my life my heart heard these words from Isaiah 53 verse 3. He was despised and rejected- a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. I turned my back on Him and looked the other way. He was despised and I did not care. 4. Yet it was my weakness He carried; it was my sorrows that weighed Him down. And we thought His troubles were a punishment for His own sin! 5. But He was pierced for my rebellion, crushed for my sins. He was beaten so I could be whole. He was whipped so I could be healed.

And my heart cracked- Jesus’ love started doing its work. I heard all my life that Jesus died on the cross to save me from sin but I never knew He also died for my sorrows, my pain, and my losses. I heard Jesus say, “I will walk beside you in this journey called life. I will never leave you alone.” And as the class came to an end I said, “Yes, God I’ll live for You, I’ll follow You wherever You call me.”…..

And one week later, I was in an ICU trauma room as a result of a car accident, more dead than alive. Our accident totally shattered the world we knew, as well as everything I ever thought I knew about God; my heart was totally shattered. I would not be here today telling you how good and wonderful God is except that His one arm held me like the beloved daughter I am and His other hand slowed the flow of my blood till the doctors could do surgery. I’ve had lots of healing over the last almost 6 & ½ years. I’ve also had lots of questions, lots of doubts, lots of arguments and conversations with God. And one day as I was being really honest with God He helped me find this verse Psalm 118:17 “I will not die; instead I will live to tell what the Lord has done.”

So I’m here to testify:

That even when you’re in the worst possible place you can be- God will NOT reject you. He WILL meet you where you are and walk with you to a better place. And
That God is still God and He is GOOD, even though my one daughter died and my one daughter is permanently disabled, even though I live with pain every day of my life- all results of one horrible night. God has never left me and He has willingly and overwhelmingly given me His strength, love and grace to continue this journey called life. And my goal is to live the rest of my life telling of His love and goodness. I’ll leave you with my paraphrased version of Isaiah 43: 1-4:

1. But now, O RoseAnn, listen to the Lord who created you.
O RoseAnn, the One who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name.
2. When your car slides on an icy road forever changing your life,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of tears, pain and sorrow,
You will not drown.
When you walk through the fires of grief, loss and anger,
You will not be burned up:
The flames will not consume you.
3. For I am the Lord, your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I gave Jesus as a ransom for your freedom;
I gave Jesus in your place.
4. Jesus was given in exchange for you,
I traded His life for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honored and I love you.

“Thank You, Papa for all You have done and all You are doing in my life and heart. Thank you for Your amazing love, Your overwhelming grace and sweet peace. May I always remember that You are the treasure my heart is longing for.

We ended the service with one of my many favorite songs. The second verse speaks deeply to my heart:

Mine are tears in times of sorrow
Darkness not yet understood
Through the valley I must travel
Where I see no earthly good
But mine is peace that flows from heaven
And the strength in times of need
I know my pain will not be wasted
Christ completes his work in me.

My wonderful out-of-state friends who came to celebrate with me.

It’s Friday but…

Posted on May 8, 2020 by RoseAnn

Sunday’s coming….

I’ve heard that quite frequently over the years and it’s a good-sounding cliché, but recently some rather strong feelings were aroused in my heart, so I started processing- Why is it bothering me? What is that cliché saying to me? And then it hit me- What about Saturday? Why aren’t we talking about Saturday? It felt like- “yes, it’s okay to talk about Friday, it was a horrible day but don’t dwell on it too much, just think about Sunday coming and all the good things that come with that day, but don’t think too much about Saturday, just try to hang on and deal with it the best you can.”

Friday- in the disciples’ world was the worst possible day. Their Leader/Teacher was unjustly tried, wrongly convicted and crucified. I put myself in their shoes and I get the fear, the anxiety, the questions, the terror and uncertainty of all that happened. I’ve lived through a few Friday’s when I thought for sure life was over and the reality is/was- the life I had known was over…but what happened Saturday?

Saturday- What were the disciples thinking, feeling?
I thought Jesus was going to save us but now He’s dead…
I thought Jesus was going to be king but now He’s dead…
I thought Jesus was going to set us free from the Romans but now He’s dead…
What did I miss? What did I not understand?
All I hoped for, longed for, wanted and wished….
Is gone- – dead…along with the One I thought was key to making it all happen.
Have I been a fool? Have I been following a fraud? I just don’t get it… I just don’t understand…

But what if I need to live through Friday to be broken enough to be willing to process Saturday, so I can really experience and appreciate Sunday? If I never experience death, how can I experience life? “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity.” John 12:24-25 What if the process of Saturday is what my heart needs to be broken open to receive Papa’s love? What if Saturday is all about being unsettled in my own ability to figure life out, to make life work for me? What if it’s about becoming okay to ask questions that have no answer? What if Saturday is about finding our how much my heart really does trust Papa and His promises?

Tomorrow will be Saturday, May 9; six years since I came home from the hospital. And in some ways it seems the last six years have been a very long Saturday. So many questions, so much uncertainty, so many frustrations, so much I don’t understand. But Jesus came out of that grave. He answered some of the disciples’ questions. I believed He explained some things to them over the next forty days. And I personally know that Jesus. I’ve experienced Him walking beside me. He’s promised never to leave me and He hasn’t. Yes, at times the pain and the questions almost hid Him but I’ve come to recognize a feeling, a peace way down deep in my heart and I’ve found out when I still myself, my heart and focus on that feeling of peace it grows. “Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 No, the pain doesn’t leave and the questioned aren’t all answered but I don’t have to dance alone. “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever!” Psalm 30:11-12 And Jesus has experienced pretty much the same stuff I struggle with and Papa’s never left Him and Papa’s promised never to leave me. “This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15 and “For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 He is the One I am trusting to lead me through the dance steps of this long Saturday. Sunday IS coming- it might be more than three days away but it’s okay and I am okay because God is with me. And I’m trusting, believing that He is what He says He is- A Redeemer – A Healer – A Beauty Maker – I can’t wait for Sunday to get here…
Oh what a day that will be!!!

A Season of Winter

Posted on September 6, 2019 by RoseAnn

I sat down to write what was on my mind but my paper looked like this.

But as I looked in my heart I realized it is more like this.

My heart is so full of so many emotions and questions that I feel almost overwhelmed and the words don’t come out in neat sensible sentences. I read somewhere once upon a time that our hearts go through seasons much like the earth does. And right now I feel like I’m in the winter, my heart appears empty, cold and dead; but I have the confidence that in reality God is doing some amazing things in it. I just don’t understand what or how. I haven’t figured out what God is up to. It feels more like chaos than something neat and orderly. It feels more ugly and messy than beautiful. But can I be okay with being in the winter season? What does it look like to dance in the winter? Resting in the belief that God is GOOD and He is a healer and redeemer and He finishes what He starts. And the amazing wonderful thing is- He doesn’t force us to finish, He invites us and draws us with His overwhelming Love. He accepts where we are on our journey, willing to walk beside us if only our hearts our open and sensitive enough to experience His precious presence.

5 Years…

Posted on April 7, 2019 by RoseAnn

…ago I buried part of me and have been on a journey of grief ever since. I’ve learned a few things on my grief journey. One thing is that grieving is unique to each person and also there is no wrong way to grieve. Before our accident we had been to an Anger and Sexual Abuse Seminar and they talked about grieving the losses associated with abuse and showed us a neat little diagram. I searched google and found one very similar.

It resonated with me then as I felt very much in a valley filled with anger, pain, depression and sadness. I had been on a healing journey from my abuse for years and maybe before I had been encouraged to grieve the losses from abuse but this time the dots started connecting and the diagram made sense and I had my eyes set on getting out of the valley back to meaningful life. Well then our accident happened and I looked at that clip art again but it didn’t help, maybe the way out seemed too hard to climb and I was so tired, so weak. Life simply wasn’t a neat line through the valley of grief. Then I found these diagrams.

And while it felt somewhat more how I experienced grieving, emotions gone wild and crazy and all over the place. But it still didn’t connect with my heart. I just couldn’t climb out of the valley and mostly I think because it didn’t feel like I was really in a valley but I couldn’t put words to what I was feeling. Then this year in school the girls wanted to study about volcanoes and we learned about Mt St. Helens and the volcano that erupted on it. We saw many different pictures of the beautiful majestic mountain before the volcano erupted. We saw pictures of the eruption, the huge cloud of smoke and debris, the flattened mountain, the destruction. We saw the change in the landscape surrounding the mountain. And that’s when it hit me. That’s what my hearts feels like.

Here’s a picture of beautiful Mt. St. Helens before the volcano.

Here is a picture after the volcano.

See that gaping hole, the flattened landscape, the ugly, the destruction, the chaos. And my heart just connected with that. My life will never be the same. There’s a gaping hole in my heart and the life I knew and loved feels like it’s destroyed, flattened out, never gonna change and most certainly never going to be what it was before.

I will never hear Jennie’s giggle, never see her smile, never feel her hand in mine or get a hug from her. Jana and I have recovered as much as possible from all our injuries barring a miracle. We’ve been told to focus on learning to live life well rather hoping Jana or I will continue getting better. There are continuing losses we are becoming more aware of as life continues and climbing out of the valley of grief seems so totally impossible, mostly I think because it feels like a flattened landscape rather than a deep dark tunnel. My dear husband tells me to live well we must grieve well. And I’m realizing and actually becoming okay with the fact that I won’t get out of the journey of grief; it will always be part of my ongoing story. Because I am living in a world I was not created to live in; we were created for life in a beautiful garden but instead we’re living in a world of brokenness and chaos. I’m feeling a deep peace in accepting my altered life-scape. I’ve been reading the book A Sacred Sorrow by Michael Card which focuses on “learning the lost language of lament”. He takes us through Job, David, Jeremiah and Jesus’ lives showing how they grieved and lamented. He writes “Lament is the path that takes us to the place where we discover that there is no complete answer to pain and suffering, only Presence. The language of lament gives a meaningful form to our grief by providing a vocabulary for our suffering and then offering it to God as worship. Our questions and complaints will never find individual answers (even as Job’s questions were never fully answered). The only answer is the dangerous, disturbing, comforting Presence, which is the true answer to all our questions and hopes.”

And years later at Mt. St. Helens there is new life and beauty; yes there are still scars and evidence left from the volcano eruption. And while we have scars and still broken places, too, I’m convinced Papa God is doing some beautiful work in my heart and in my family. Admittedly I see a whole lot more mess and ugly than I see beauty but occasionally I see glimpses of beauty. I think most times I’m too close to the mess that I don’t see the beauty, but I’m choosing to keep dancing with Papa God in the altered landscape my life has become and to continue worshiping at the altar of lament.

(the pictures and clip-art I used on this post I found using a google search)

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Posted on January 13, 2019 by RoseAnn

Last night with the snow softly fluttering down my young romantic heart wanted to go walking so I begged my hubby dear to go with me. And bless his dear heart he got dressed up even though he was all ready for a haircut and we went walking through the city. There’s something about the quiet beauty of sparkling glittering falling snowflakes that touches my heart; I chose to be open and vulnerable and in the midst of the beauty I put words to some ugly stuff that had been triggered- once again from my abuse. Will it ever end?? I’m learning that putting words to my feelings somehow breaks the power the trigger has. It’s been a long hard journey but last night was one time we got it right. We were able to process and talk through the trigger in a healthy way. I felt heard although not exactly understood but I wasn’t expecting that. How can he understand me when at times I don’t understand me? 😏 I was so proud of us. I wish it would happen like this every time. And then in the midst of our heavy conversation, I hear tires sliding, a bump and crunch and seconds later more tires sliding and another bump and crunch. Even though everyone got out and was walking around; it amazes me how something so minor can create such a reaction in my body and heart and cause flashbacks of our accident. So we talked about our accident and the changes it gave us- once again before going back to our previous conversation. It seems we can never get away from or leave behind that one horrific night. It touches everything I do, it’s like a bad dream I can’t wake up from.

I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I love snow- it’s new fallen whiteness, the sparkle, the glitter, the softness of the flakes floating down. Sitting inside with a warm cup of coffee, watching the children playing outside. Snow is beautiful.

I hate snow/ice- it causes horrific accidents that change your life forever. It is cold and damp which increases the pain levels. It creates hard work for someone- the van and sidewalk need cleaned off. Snow is ugly.

And I wonder is beauty always in companionship with ugly? Sorta like pain and pleasure? I found it interesting that when we got back from our stroll, I felt more alive and stronger than I had all day. Is it when my heart sees and acknowledges the ugly that my heart can also be more aware of the beauty? When I allow my heart to feel the pain, it is then my heart is alive to feel the pleasure? To be willing to walk in the ugly cold snow so that I can experience the beautiful glittery snow. To be willing to walk the scary path of openness and vulnerability so my heart can experience the beauty of connection and care. And there are times, even though I chose to be open and vulnerable; I have also experienced more pain instead of care and connection. But just as our deepest pain often comes from relationships, our deepest healing also comes from relationships. And my most important relationship is my relationship with Papa God and what my heart knows and believes about Him. So I will continue choosing to dance in the ugly with Him for He has promised to make everything beautiful in His time.

Waiting…

Posted on November 20, 2018 by RoseAnn

JoAnn had another brain CT scan and doctor appointment and the message is still the same as the past 3 visits. “Nothing changed. Come back in 6 months.” And on one hand that sounds like fairly good news. I mean at least it’s not getting worse- the fluid level isn’t increasing… And at least she doesn’t need surgery… But on the other hand all the risks are still there, the most worrisome to me is the risk of seizures and all the issues that come along with that. So we’re still waiting and watching…wondering…

Waiting, waiting, waiting, seems like that’s all my life is about right now. It feels like I’ve been put “on hold” and I’m really very tired of waiting…

Waiting for the attorney to get all the paperwork done….

Waiting for the oven to sell…

Waiting for the headaches to go away…

Waiting for the pain to lessen…

Waiting for the “to do” list to get done…

Waiting for the longings in my heart to be met….

Waiting for the million questions I have, get answers…

Waiting to see Jennie again…

How do I keep my heart open, soft and inviting when the temptation is very real to put on the tough girl act and pull myself together? I mean if I would have just prayed more or oftener or better then surely God would have made the fluid less or even took it away completely. Or maybe if I read and studied the Bible more, something miraculous would have happened. How do I stay vulnerable and authentic when the temptation is to make it about me trying to control life, to make life work? If I wouldn’t be impatient and snap at the girls while doing school, then surely I’d be good enough and God would bless the desires of my heart. Or maybe if I was more self-disciplined and didn’t indulge my taste buds off of my “good for the brain” eating plan then He would honor and bless all that discipline with less physical pain, maybe even, no pain at all and lots of energy to wipe out that “to do” list. If I could somehow just do life the right way, do the right thing…

But is my heart aware of what is actually happening? I think Satan brings those questions, those temptations and at the core of it all, is asking me the same thing he asked Eve…Is God good? Is He against me instead of for me? Satan wants me to make it about me, about me being in control and if I do, say or act just right, God will do the honorable thing and bless me and my efforts. But what if it isn’t about me at all? What if it’s all about God getting glory and honor through all of this? What if it’s about staying vulnerable and real with God and my heart and becoming aware of God and knowing Him on a deeper level than before? What if through telling my story, my struggle it encourages someone to continue trusting God? What if it’s about being more aware of how passionately God loves me and is longing for a relationship with me and in the waiting God is making beauty out of dust and ashes? What if Papa God is more concerned about my heart and what is in it than fixing my world or keeping my waiting at a minimum? According to His Word, “What you say flows from what is in your heart.” And “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” I told my friend I don’t think I’m dancing too well in this storm and she reminded me that when learning new dance steps sometimes we stumble, even step on each other’s toes but it’s a process of learning, of continuing to try. And it brought to my memory this summer when we went to Landis Valley Museum for their Civil War Days. One of the programs they had was “Recreation in the Civil War” and dancing is one of the things they did. The dance teacher invited the public to join them in learning some of the dance steps. She showed everyone how to do the steps but it was very easy to see the difference between the dancing group and those from the public who were doing it probably for the first time. The one little person I enjoyed watching, he was thoroughly enjoying it but was dancing all over the place, not staying in the proper line-up and once ran right into his partner. And I can’t help but wonder “Does God want me to be okay with where I am, maybe even enjoy where I am right now because He is with me? Does He want me to dance all over the place not really knowing what I am doing and run right into Him, trusting that He will lead me to the next step at the right time?” So I wonder if He isn’t working on a new dance step and is asking me to trust Him, to rest in His love and care while waiting, remembering how gently He held me and cared for me in the hospital.

Choosing to Dance in the Storm

My thoughts on learning to dance in life's storms

Category Archives: my story