…that we’re on this journey of grief from burying a child. I didn’t know a person could experience so much pain and still live. I’m thinking the only thing worse than burying a child- is not knowing where your child is because of abduction or some other horrible circumstance. I know where Jennie is and I know I will see her again some day. I can’t imagine the horror of not knowing where your child is or what they might be going through. I am confident though if that happened, God would supply the grace and courage to live through it because He has been with me every moment since that awful night seven years ago. Sure there have been and still are times, I question “Where are you God? What are You doing?” It’s so easy in the overwhelming pain to lose sight of God and who He is and what He’s doing. Most of the time I can’t even figure out if there’s any good thing happening but I’ve become so much more accepting and okay with the mystery surrounding God. We can spend our whole lives learning to know God and not even get close to understanding, knowing all there is to know.
One thing I’ve learned is- grieving is hard work and super exhausting. I was reminded of that again when my dad died two months ago. It shed a new light on everything seven years ago; not only was our grief so raw and fresh and so totally unexpected, my body was also trying to heal from massive injuries. No wonder I could barely put one foot in front of another.
When walking beside someone grieving remember, you aren’t there to get us back on track, we’re charting a whole new path, one that’s never been walked before. It’s scary and confusing and we feel so very lost. Everything we knew and loved has been significantly changed and the closer the relationship with the person who died, the deeper the pain, the more it affects everything. We’re in a whole new territory and not a thing makes any sense to us. We have questions that have no answers. We’re feeling emotions we didn’t know existed and a lot of times it seems that they contradict each other. We feel sadness and joy, pain and peace. It often is a very chaotic time, in many ways and on many levels.
Also don’t be too quick to quote verses, promises or sayings, etc. What we need is to have our pain heard and validated. If someone opens up and gives you a glimpse into their heart, into their pain; take off your shoes, you’re on holy ground. It’s when our pain is heard and held by your heart that our heart has a chance to take a breath, to hear a whisper from God’s heart. I know. I know hearing and holding someone’s pain is hard, uncomfortable; we aren’t asking you to fix anything. We know you can’t, just hold up the boulder of pain, confusion and anger that’s been pressing on us so we can take a deep breath. Most of us have heard enough verses and sayings throughout our life that the Holy Spirit can remind us of those truths but it’s awfully hard to hear the truth through pain that’s not expressed and validated or given honor to, that’s not cared for. Uncared for pain often turns into angry bitterness and distrust.
And please don’t be afraid of ours tears. They are not sign of weakness or anything bad. They are rather God’s treasure; He collects them in a bottle. We all collect things we treasure. Again we know you can’t fix our grief or make it better but giving us a tissue and a shoulder to cry on tells us you care and that helps us heal. Just remember healing is a life-long journey and we’ll need lots of tissues and/or shoulders. Being witness to someone’s tears is uncomfortable, disconcerting because we know deep down we can’t change or fix the reason for their tears. We come face to face with our limitations which require us to be humble and ask for Divine help. We want to believe we’re capable of doing life mostly on our own. Yet Jesus wept when He came to Lazarus’ tomb and He knew He was bringing Lazarus back to life. I believe He wept to show Mary and Martha how much He loved and cared for them. He heard and validated their pain and grief with His tears. And we want to be followers of Jesus, so let’s step into the uncomfortable and cry with those that are crying.
This song Not Right Now by Jason Gray gives some good advice how to care for a grieving person even if the grief is ‘older’ because even though it’s been 7 years the smoke is pretty thick at times…
While I wait for the smoke to clear You don't even have to speak Just sit with me in the ashes here And together we can pray for peace To the One acquainted with our grief…
