I am so thankful for God’s promises and for beautiful gifts of love and care in a time when the heart as no words for the pain it is experiencing.

We have celebrated as many birthdays without you as we had with you.

There are just no words to explain the pain of celebrating my child’s birthday without her. I just have to trust, to believe in the mystery of the Goodness of Papa God that allowed His holy Sovereignty to override His Providential care that awful rainy icy night. Because if I don’t, my mind will swirl down into the crazy, the insanity of trying to understand, trying to come up with answers. So I will just curl up in Papa’s arms and trust that just as His love flows into my heart, that my love will flow back to you and in heaven you will know your mama still loves you. Still weeps that she can’t hug you. Still aches with pain and longing AND is eagerly waiting for the day we will be reunited.

…have come and gone since we laid to rest our beautiful daughter in the cold dark ground. I have probably cried every one of the 3,650 days since then- in my heart if not outwardly.

I still can’t make sense of why it had to happen. I still feel “in the dark” yet I know Papa is there holding me, hearing every question my heart does not have words for. I am so grateful for my encounter with God in the hospital because frankly, I have no idea how I would have the courage or strength to keep walking through this journey of grief and loss.

I struggle with how the sovereignty of God fits with His providence. Was His providence (His divine care and guidance) overpowered by His sovereignty (His divine power or authority) that cold dark night?? How do I make sense of an all loving AND all powerful God allowing my one child dying and my other child permanently disabled that awful night ten years ago? I think I have become okay with the fact that some things do not and will not make sense or be understood in this world.  I keep hearing my son tell me something he learned at SMBI – “All that God is, All of God is.” – meaning that His Sovereignty is also His Providence and His Providence is also His Sovereignty, His love is just, His justice is love…It is that awesome, wonderful mystery that I will never begin to unravel and understand. I have become okay with my mysterious God because if I understood God, He would not be God. Thank you, Papa God, for being so good, kind, and loving, for dancing in this storm with me. Thank you for the glimpses of sunshine and rainbows too.

In Loving Memory…

What can I say? There really are no words to ease the ache of missing you, of longing to be with you again, to hear your girlish giggle- but maybe you’re a young lady now and I missed watching you grow up? The pain of separation is still just as painful as the first day and I’m still choosing to trust that Papa will somehow make up the time we missed spending with you. I’m choosing to dance with Papa while the tears stream down my face. I will always miss you because I will always love you.

Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure,
Loving you always, Forgetting you never,

Mom and Dad, JoAnn, Justin & Stephanie and Felicity, Jana, Jodi & Janessa

It is once again Thanksgiving Day and your birthday on the same day. I am so grateful for the peace, the courage and strength Papa God gives me to keep choosing to dance as I continue the journey of loss and grief.

Your 9th birthday in heaven…. How does time keep moving on when at times it seems I’m still back in the farmhouse hearing the noises from all six of you children playing outside? How does someone live in two worlds at the same time? How can your cousin that was born the same year as you be old enough to get married and yet in my mind, you’re still my little girl? Did you grow up in heaven? There are so many questions that will not be answered on this side of eternity. There is so much pain, so much hard, so much loss, so much ugliness in this broken world; yet here we find ourselves living in a world we were never meant for. Our hearts, our souls long for the world you are immensely enjoying. I take so much comfort and rest in the truth that God is okay with my questions without answers, that God is accepting and understanding of my so very human responses to this broken world. I keep looking for and longing for when I will be with you again and until that time, I know Papa God will celebrate you and love you and take good care of you till we are together again.

In Loving Memory…

It's the 8th anniversary of your going Home. 
Eight years of missing you,
Eight years of not hearing your giggle,
Eight years of not feeling your hugs,
Eight years of not seeing your smile,
Eight years of memories without your presence,
Eight years of aching with longing,
Eight years of facing every morning with pain,
Eight years of questions, of wondering,
BUT
There is also:
Eight years of experiencing Papa in unexplainable ways,
Eight years of hearing Papa's voice in the darkest of nights,
Eight years of feeling Papa's arms gently surrounding me,
Eight years of seeing Papa's love manifested in many ways,
Eight years knowing you are making memories with Papa and Jesus,
Eight years of only imagining the delight and wonder you're experiencing,
Eight years of experiencing Papa's grace and strength,
Eight years of knowing that one day we will be together again.

And the last half of those eight years’ experiences are because of the scars in Jesus hands. I will spend the rest of my life living in gratitude of what Jesus’ work on the cross has made possible for me. My heart’s response to experiencing the Divine Love, Care and Grace is to worship- sometimes in praise, sometimes in lament, sometimes dancing in the storm…

Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure,
Loving you always, Forgetting you never,

Mom and Dad, JoAnn, Justin & Stephanie and Felicity, Jana, Jodi & Janessa