We have celebrated as many birthdays without you as we had with you.
Happy 11th Birthday!
There are just no words to explain the pain of celebrating my child’s birthday without her. I just have to trust, to believe in the mystery of the Goodness of Papa God that allowed His holy Sovereignty to override His Providential care that awful rainy icy night. Because if I don’t, my mind will swirl down into the crazy, the insanity of trying to understand, trying to come up with answers. So I will just curl up in Papa’s arms and trust that just as His love flows into my heart, that my love will flow back to you and in heaven you will know your mama still loves you. Still weeps that she can’t hug you. Still aches with pain and longing AND is eagerly waiting for the day we will be reunited.
…have come and gone since we laid to rest our beautiful daughter in the cold dark ground. I have probably cried every one of the 3,650 days since then- in my heart if not outwardly.
I still can’t make sense of why it had to happen. I still feel “in the dark” yet I know Papa is there holding me, hearing every question my heart does not have words for. I am so grateful for my encounter with God in the hospital because frankly, I have no idea how I would have the courage or strength to keep walking through this journey of grief and loss.
I struggle with how the sovereignty of God fits with His providence. Was His providence (His divine care and guidance) overpowered by His sovereignty (His divine power or authority) that cold dark night?? How do I make sense of an all loving AND all powerful God allowing my one child dying and my other child permanently disabled that awful night ten years ago? I think I have become okay with the fact that some things do not and will not make sense or be understood in this world. I keep hearing my son tell me something he learned at SMBI – “All that God is, All of God is.” – meaning that His Sovereignty is also His Providence and His Providence is also His Sovereignty, His love is just, His justice is love…It is that awesome, wonderful mystery that I will never begin to unravel and understand. I have become okay with my mysterious God because if I understood God, He would not be God. Thank you, Papa God, for being so good, kind, and loving, for dancing in this storm with me. Thank you for the glimpses of sunshine and rainbows too.
What can I say? There really are no words to ease the ache of missing you, of longing to be with you again, to hear your girlish giggle- but maybe you’re a young lady now and I missed watching you grow up? The pain of separation is still just as painful as the first day and I’m still choosing to trust that Papa will somehow make up the time we missed spending with you. I’m choosing to dance with Papa while the tears stream down my face. I will always miss you because I will always love you.
Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure, Loving you always, Forgetting you never,
Mom and Dad, JoAnn, Justin & Stephanie and Felicity, Jana, Jodi & Janessa
…ago we closed the casket on the beautiful sweet face of our eleven-year-old daughter. It has been the most painful thing I have ever done.
Why do I keep writing year after year when not much changes in the grieving? I want people to know that a good and abundant life can be lived in the middle of hard painful circumstances, in the middle of grieving losses… I want people to know about the goodness of God. And maybe they can better see the goodness of God in their story; seeing glimpses of it in my story.
Psalm 23 has become my close treasure over the past months. Verse 1 “I have all I need.” I haven’t run out of tissues yet. I have been given grace, strength and courage to continue processing life and to walk through hard situations in emotionally healthy ways. Verse 2 “He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.” He’s provided friends to listen when I needed to talk and to pray for me. They gave insight into verses that I couldn’t figure out and then God also gave me a special vision how those verses applied to me personally. Verse 3 “He guides me…” He’s helped me connect to ladies willing to give help, advice, and encouragement for this online college course I’m attempting. Verse 4 “Even when I walk through the darkest valley…You are close beside me.” I can strongly attest to that. I’ve never felt left alone through the many dark nights I’ve experienced. God has shown up in very different ways at times, but you know God, being God, does some pretty amazing, awesome things. Like the other week, I felt like I was surrounded by multiple impossible situations with no sign of relief or help. At Bible Study, one of the leaders said she finished a 5-day Bible reading she began in February- it ended with, “All things are possible with God.” Then she read her verse-of-the-day verse it was, “All things are possible with God.” Lastly, she got out her journal to write and on the cover was- “All things are possible with God.” She said, “I don’t know who this is for, but I felt strongly that God wanted me to share this and whatever impossible situation you are in- well, “All things are possible with God.” And I experienced that tale tell warmth surround me when I’m getting a God hug. So, I’m choosing to believe, to trust that He is working even when I don’t seem to see anything happening. I’m holding on to the promise of His goodness and love pursuing me all the days of my life and living in His house forever…
I love the Passion Version of Psalm 23
The Good Shepherd 1 Yahweh is my best friend and my shepherd. I always have more than enough. 2 He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love. His tracks take me to an oasis of peace near the quiet brook of bliss. 3 That’s where he restores and revives my life. He opens before me the right path and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness so that I can bring honor to his name. 4 Even when your path takes me through the valley of deepest darkness, fear will never conquer me, for you already have! Your authority is my strength and my peace. The comfort of your love takes away my fear. I’ll never be lonely, for you are near. 5 You become my delicious feast even when my enemies dare to fight. You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit; you give me all I can drink of you until my cup overflows. 6 So why would I fear the future? Only goodness and tender love pursue me all the days of my life. Then afterward, when my life is through, I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!
I’ve heard this verse so often over the years and honestly as a teen it frustrated me because it was always said to me when something bad was happening. It felt like a spiritual band-aid- we need a verse to say to spiritualize the hard time. I’ve also learned that when something keeps coming to me and I feel disturbed or unsettled by it; it is usually a really good idea for me to pause and sit with it. To question and ponder- Just what am I believing or feeling?
As I was pondering what I was feeling and looking at what I thought this verse meant; I realized I did not know what joy was or whose it was. I thought it was a happy, feel-good emotion that would give you strength to just keep on doing the work you’re asked to do. And, I also noticed it said the joy of the Lord. It’s not my joy and I can’t manufacture it and I don’t even have to try. It is the Lord’s joy.
Larry Crabb writes, “Brokenness is realizing He is all we have. Hope is realizing He is all we need. Joy is realizing He is all we want.”
The path to joy is often in joyless situations. It seems Joy is best learned from the teacher of pain. I believe I can only experience true joy when I no longer focus on stopping or avoiding the pain but instead embracing it and being honest and real about the loss that is causing the pain. I am no longer afraid to ask the hardest, most painful questions. I’ve learned that asking questions is one way my heart can be opened to experience God, to hear from God. Asking questions does not mean I’m demanding or expecting answers, it is one way to be authentic. Connecting moments of loss to a deeper power. That deeper power is joy…. Until we have an encounter with Jesus Christ, I don’t think we can understand joy.
I believe joy in grief or hard times looks different than joy in happy, pleasant times. Joy is sometimes tears streaming down my face because my heart is aching with grief and longing for my heavenly home. It is choosing to trust that my Father is creating beauty out of ashes. It is the feeling of an overwhelming, deep peace in my heart even though there’s chaos in my house and circumstances. Joy is focusing on my Father, not my fears. Joy is confidence in the goodness of God. Joy comes from worshiping at both altars- lament and praise: which is declaring the truth that God is faithful, and He is in the midst of the pain I am feeling and trauma I am facing. Joy comes from a dynamic faith, a knowing that “when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10 Joy is a sense of peace and contentment, a sense of freedom. It is being willing to learn some unfamiliar dance steps, trusting that my Papa is leading me in them.
I love this song “Faithfully” by TobyMac. I believe we will have true joy in our hearts when we realize that Papa God was there faithfully making a way for us, never leaving us.
But when my world broke into pieces You were there faithfully When I cried out to You, Jesus You made a way for me I may never be the same man But I’m a man who still believes When I cried out to You, Jesus You were there faithfully
In my darkest hour, You met me So quietly, so gently You said You’d never leave And you stood by Your word So quietly, so gently In all my pain, You met me You said You’d never leave And you stood by Your word
It was only months before our accident I came across a saying and I’m not sure I can quote it exactly, but it was something close to this. “Most of the witnesses to God’s goodness are silent witnesses.” As I read that, I felt God was asking me to stop being a silent witness. But I also felt like my story, well it’s not unique; lots of people have been hurt and abused. And then one month before our accident we were at a sexual abuse seminar, and I heard this song by MercyMe, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And instantly it struck a chord in my heart. I remember thinking, “Well none of my children have died but still through the abuse a part of me did die.” And I knew God wanted to heal my broken hurting heart. And I felt like lots of healing was taking place and I was finally alive. I clearly remember that week just prior to our accident, for the first time in my life I was longing to live, life was looking so exciting, so inviting, so freeing. I was finally learning to know who God really was.
Then our accident happened, and I lost so much. I lost my song. I was overwhelmed with more pain and trauma than I knew what to do with. We were in the hospital with Jana on Father’s Day (June 2014) and Duane and Cindy Mullet were at church and someone somehow through skype or something like that we were able to hear the service. And they sang this song, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And I remembered again when I first heard it. And again, I felt like God was telling me, “The message of this song is for you.” And you know a shattered heart doesn’t hear the music it only hears the words. And it became my song. I have listened to it hundreds of times over the years.
Why? The question that is never far away But the healing doesn’t come from the explained Jesus please don’t let this go in vain You’re all I have All that remains
So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I fall into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide
Over the past months, maybe even years, I again realized I lost my song again or maybe more accurately the pain, the question, the uncertainty, the continued losses obscured the music. I’ve been writing just not publishing much and most of it isn’t even publishing worthy- raw anger, pain, and confusion. I again was believing the lies from the devil that I don’t matter, my story isn’t important, I don’t have what it takes to be a good writer. And again, my Papa God has been working and healing in my heart. I believe He is a good good Father and I am trusting He is working things out for His good and glory. I sense that Papa God is asking me to put my belief, my faith in action and honestly, I’m not totally sure what that all looks like; but I’ve started college with a dream and yes it’s hard work and making me doubt and question, “Did I hear God correctly?” I’ve been learning so much about trauma, pain, and loss, not only through books but in real life circumstances and again that tug to tell of the Goodness of God….
So I’m typing up my ramblings and polishing them just a bit and will post them and I hope to touch someone’s heart and let them know they are not alone in the pain and confusion that life in this world gives us. I want to tell people how God has been so good to me so that maybe they have new eyes to see how God is there for them too. His Word promises “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:8
It is once again Thanksgiving Day and your birthday on the same day. I am so grateful for the peace, the courage and strength Papa God gives me to keep choosing to dance as I continue the journey of loss and grief.
Your 9th birthday in heaven…. How does time keep moving on when at times it seems I’m still back in the farmhouse hearing the noises from all six of you children playing outside? How does someone live in two worlds at the same time? How can your cousin that was born the same year as you be old enough to get married and yet in my mind, you’re still my little girl? Did you grow up in heaven? There are so many questions that will not be answered on this side of eternity. There is so much pain, so much hard, so much loss, so much ugliness in this broken world; yet here we find ourselves living in a world we were never meant for. Our hearts, our souls long for the world you are immensely enjoying. I take so much comfort and rest in the truth that God is okay with my questions without answers, that God is accepting and understanding of my so very human responses to this broken world. I keep looking for and longing for when I will be with you again and until that time, I know Papa God will celebrate you and love you and take good care of you till we are together again.
…that I’ve/we’ve been on this journey of loss, pain and grief from our accident. It feels like there’s nothing new to say- it’s the same old story- It’s still incredibly painful…. it hasn’t stopped…it’s still very tiring…there’s still more questions than answers…
Yet I’ve become aware of a shift in the past half year or so. It started last fall, I participated in a ladies Bible study. We did a study on spiritual disciplines. The leaders suggested one to do each week but also encouraged us to change it if another one stirred our hearts. The first one that touched my heart was Celebration. I believe the reason my heart was stirred and longed for celebration was that for so very long- almost 8 years to be exact- I wasn’t, couldn’t celebrate. Celebration seems very contradictory to loss, pain and grief. Celebrating seems to be the joyous happy times and not the hard sad days. Celebration sounds like having a good time, enjoying laughter and friendships not struggling through pain and depression. But what if celebration looks more like living from God’s abundance and not from my scarcity, my emptiness and pain? What if celebration is more about who God is than what I’m feeling? What if celebration is more about being honest, real and vulnerable than looking good? What if celebration is being okay worshiping at the altar of lament as well as the altar of praise?
I discovered these wonderful verses during my Bible study: I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this. The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. Lamentations 3:20-25 I felt Papa saying, “It’s true, you’ll never forget this awful time, you will continue to grieve all of your losses and pain; YET you can still dare to hope, to trust, to celebrate Me because My love never ends, My faithfulness never stops and My mercies are new and fresh every morning. I will be good to you as you depend on My abundance rather than your scarcity.” I felt my heart getting stretched just a bit bigger again. In one of my grief support groups I found a clip-art trying to illustrate what people think grief over time does and what really happens and I didn’t care for how it was illustrated so I came up with this, which in my opinion shows it better:
I have felt my heart growing over the years; becoming more okay with the chaos of feelings, the mystery of not understanding how or what or where the journey is taking me. I’m accepting that my journey of loss, pain and grief will never end and I’m learning that I can celebrate with my wonderful Papa God as I keep choosing to dance with Him, to celebrate Him. I believe a big part of my heart growing is holding on to hope, Papa’s hope and is very well expressed in this song, “Promised Land” by TobyMac.
I won’t give up on this race Broken but I still have faith That this old life is all part of a plan And I can feel it in my soul One day I’ll stand before the throne With nothing left but hope in these two hands
Through all these seasons, I’m still believin’ You’re my promised land In all my grievin’ I’m still believin’ You’re my promise land
It's the 8th anniversary of your going Home.
Eight years of missing you,
Eight years of not hearing your giggle,
Eight years of not feeling your hugs,
Eight years of not seeing your smile,
Eight years of memories without your presence,
Eight years of aching with longing,
Eight years of facing every morning with pain,
Eight years of questions, of wondering,
BUT
There is also:
Eight years of experiencing Papa in unexplainable ways,
Eight years of hearing Papa's voice in the darkest of nights,
Eight years of feeling Papa's arms gently surrounding me,
Eight years of seeing Papa's love manifested in many ways,
Eight years knowing you are making memories with Papa and Jesus,
Eight years of only imagining the delight and wonder you're experiencing,
Eight years of experiencing Papa's grace and strength,
Eight years of knowing that one day we will be together again.
And the last half of those eight years’ experiences are because of the scars in Jesus hands. I will spend the rest of my life living in gratitude of what Jesus’ work on the cross has made possible for me. My heart’s response to experiencing the Divine Love, Care and Grace is to worship- sometimes in praise, sometimes in lament, sometimes dancing in the storm…
Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure, Loving you always, Forgetting you never,
Mom and Dad, JoAnn, Justin & Stephanie and Felicity, Jana, Jodi & Janessa
