Category Archives: family

Caregiver Burnout…

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…is one of my problems. When it was brought to my attention, I was not sure if it really fit. I had heard the term burnout but mostly associated with those in missions or on the mission field because I heard it happened when a person was trying to do God’s work instead of waiting for God to care of it.

      But my inquisitive brain would not let it go. I kept thinking about it- What exactly is caregiver burnout? And can I, as a parent really, have it? I mean it is demanding work being a mother and yes sometimes it feels like I am asked to do the impossible, to do what only God can.

     I found out caregiver burnout is when you are in a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental state of exhaustion. Ummmm well I qualify for that…. seems like I am tired even before I get out of bed some days. I realize my brain injury has a big part to play into that as well. Here are some of the caregiver burnout symptoms I found:

  • Lack of energy
  • Overwhelming fatigue
  • Weight loss or gain
  • Sleeping too much or too little
  • A feeling of hopelessness
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Mood swings
  • Difficulty coping with normal everyday routine
  • Headaches, stomach aches or other physical problems

So yeah, I can identify with quite a few of those symptoms but does a mother really suffer from caregiver burnout? I am going to stick my neck out and say “yes!” We mothers are usually our children’s primary caregiver and most times they grow up and become independent young adults; but sometimes the plan breaks, and they end up as forever children, not having the ability to become totally independent. While I would not change having had six wonderful children, it is extremely exhausting and add trauma and it’s after effects to that and it is no wonder I am exhausted.

      So, what’s a mother to do? I do not fore see any substantial changes in my near future that would ease the caregiving aspect. The different websites I had read used words- “self-love,” “self-care,” and “self-respect” and while that may sound very selfish and not at all Christ-like, what is the greatest commandment? Matthew 22:36-40 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” What does it look like to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind? To love my neighbor (my children) as myself? I wonder if we really understand what loving looks like. In our world we use love too lavishly and frivolously, (I love coffee and chocolate.) especially in comparison to how Christ loved (He lived and died showing us what love truly is). I looked at The Gospels and noticed Christ seemed to regularly go to the mountains to pray or He got up before daybreak. So, He spent time alone with His Father, away from the crowds who desperately wanted something from Him.

     What does it look like for me to love well? To love with all my heart, soul and mind? That encompasses the three parts of us (physical, emotional, and spiritual) and if one of them is not well it does affect the other two. If my mind is so exhausted and my body too tired from lack of sleep, how can my heart and spirit hear the truth of God’s Word?

      I had been unknowingly learning to do one of the most important things to ease caregiver burnout. I had started scheduling things to do a little bit each day instead of doing a big job all day long. I started giving myself grace and space to be okay with things done more simply and differently than what I grew up learning how to do. I now make a casserole or soup, do one load of laundry a day, clean one room or even a section of one room a day. I actually schedule free time- time to read and relax. I take time to be in nature as I find that very relaxing. I’m learning what makes my brain feel overloaded and how to work with that in a healthy way, too. I’m still learning what it looks like in real life what it means to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbor (my children) as myself. I’m so grateful for God’s never-ending love, mercy and grace as I continue to be human and make mistakes.

     ***Disclaimer: I had started this post several years ago and never finished it. I felt too vulnerable, too insecure; (it still feels vulnerable but I’m more secure now) I was certain I was doing something wrong. I did not think a good Christian would be experiencing so many of the feelings I was. But I still identify with some of the symptoms of caregiver burnout, so I decided to finish it. I’m becoming more accepting of myself and my journey to healthy wholeness, realizing that true and complete wholeness isn’t happening till I reach the Promised Land. Over the years I have come to understand that to accept/acknowledge the losses, I must grieve, in a healthy way, what I lost and that sometimes grieving is a longer journey than one would think because some losses are not always visible and some losses one isn’t aware of till years after the event that caused the loss. I have also learned that sometimes dancing in the storm is choosing to rest in my Father’s arms, to be still and know, to trust in His never-ending love. To hold on to the belief that Papa finishes what He starts and that He is making beauty out of ashes.

I found this song “I Will” by Citizen Way and have listened to it so very often over the years:

I know you’re feeling overwhelmed
Before the day even begins
But I can see beyond the now
This is not how your story ends
And when you’re at your weakest
Oh I’ve never been more strong
So let Me be the One you’re leaning on.

Six Months Ago…

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…I became a Grammy!

I’ve been rather excited about stepping into that role but at the same time it feels mostly like a dream, a bit unreal; because I haven’t held or seen her yet other than in pictures and jerky twitchy video calls that are too few and far between. I’m also deeply saddened because of her being a whole ocean away from me. (And as a side note to my son or daughter-in-law, if you read this, I don’t want you to feel bad or guilty for the choice you have made. I believe you are following God’s leading and I bless you for your service, for answering God’s call. And I’m sure there are hard things on your end that I don’t see.) One day as I was complaining to Papa God about how hard and unfair it is that I have to give up my only son and granddaughter; He kindly, gently reminded me that what I’m experiencing now is an answer to prayers I prayed years ago. I’ve always wanted my children to love God and live for Him. I prayed for my children to follow God, to be faithful to His leading and voice and my son is. He and his lovely wife are where they believe God has asked them to be, serving and living for Him in a far away land. So honestly I wouldn’t want it any other way but I’m very much a human and find it difficult to keep the eternal perspective. I want to hold and snuggle with my first grand baby. I want to read books to her. I want to feel that sweet soft baby skin. And hear that cute baby gurgle and giggle, watch her discovering her hands and toes. I’d even love to hold her while she’s crying. But those are treasures I have to forgo for the eternal work, for God’s kingdom. And please, don’t think I don’t struggle with that. I do- regularly. Words are easy to type, to say. What are my actions showing I believe?     

Again I have a choice- Do I choose to dance in this storm with my Papa God and allow Him to lead me in this? Or do I allow the grief and hardness of this circumstance affect how I love? Like I said before I do believe my son is following God’s leading and it’s what I prayed for. So what does loving well look like? Maybe by holding other babies and loving on them. Keeping my heart soft in spite of the ache and discomfort. Finding beauty in His creation. Talking to The One who comforts as no one else can. Allowing my heart to experience His love, peace and grace. And trusting, believing that when I get to my eternal home all these unfulfilled longings and desires will be abundantly filled.

Another First…

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…you know how they say the first year after the death of a loved one is the worst because you go through a year of all the firsts without them? Well, I had another first years later….

     A new driver in training….

     It caught me unawares…One of the things most parents probably don’t think a lot about- I didn’t with my first two. It was a normal part of growing up and giving your children their wings. It’s something I wanted my children to experience. But that was before having a catastrophic accident that shattered my world and forever changed who I was…

     I was a bit unprepared for the feelings and questions that this first time event evoked in me. How in the world am I to teach her how to drive safely? I struggle to remember all the basic daily things that need to be done…how will I remember all the little yet so very important things to be able to drive safely and to think ahead and be aware of other drivers and pedestrians? Can I trust her to be a safe driver? Can I trust God to keep her safe? And the biggest fear/question of all- what if she gets killed in an accident??? I have no promise that that won’t happen- it did before- one of my children was killed in a car accident. I want to keep her safe from all the bad stuff that might happen. And in this moment I have a choice- Do I choose to believe Papa God is with me and for me and is good? Or do I live in the fear and questions and prevent my child from being free to be a teenager?

     I chose to trust God and look at what are my options to give my daughter freedom in the best and safest way given my brain injury after effects and my PTSD. I’m thankful for friends who listen and not judge but give suggestions. I was encouraged to look into what driver school options are in our area. And I found one and she’s been doing the online portion of learning to drive. And now she’s got her permit too, so I can schedule the “Behind the Wheel” training portion. And we had our first very short drive out a farm field lane. And we both lived to tell about it.

     I’m also so thankful that our daughter is understanding or at least willing to work with us in this. I’m so proud of us being able to have a good healthy conversation about how to care for both our hearts- my need for her to be as safe as possible and to know how to drive well and for her to have the responsibility and freedom to drive. The reality is she probably doesn’t understand the fear the flooded my heart, at least not to the degree it is for me; but I’m so grateful for the healing that God has done in her heart and life as well. It takes courage and confidence to step out and do things differently than most of her friends. But she has heard my heart and has respectfully agreed to work with us in this first. I’m also so grateful for a loving Father who understands and cares for my heart and is patiently teaching me these strange new steps of this dance…deeper trust…stronger faith…God-confidence….

Six months ago…

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a very beautiful thing happened in our family.

My handsome son

and his lovely bride

were married.

The theme of their wedding was “Jesus- the Light of the World”

JoAnn was one of their candle ladies.

Jana was a program attendant.

In loving memory of Jennie

Jodi and Janessa were gift receivers.

My wonderful children. I love this picture and at the same time I hate this picture. There is one beautiful face missing, Jennie. In every family picture we take I end up finding an empty spot that should have Jennie in it. And as lovely as the wedding and the whole day was there was an indescribable pain right beside the joy and excitement I was feeling watching a dream of my son’s being fulfilled. And I again questioned, “why?” “What was God thinking? to allow the death of our daughter…” It’s one thing I’ll never understand. But just as Jesus is the Light of the world, He is also my Light and Hope. If it weren’t for that unshakable knowing deep in my heart that Jennie is with my Papa God and Jesus and one day I will be with her again, I just couldn’t live through this pain. And They also send me the most awesome messages. I remember the day I was driving to help Stephanie with wedding preparations, I was asking God, “Does Jennie know that Justin is getting married and how does she feel about it?” And just then I saw the vehicle right in front of me had the letters JVE on it’s license plate. You see ever since the accident when the girls and I see a plate with the letter J in it, we come up with a phrase of what Jennie might be doing in heaven. We have come up with some very interesting messages. And the message I heard that day was “Jennie’s Very Excited”. And I knew that Papa God cared about all the mixed up emotions I was experiencing being excited for my son while hurting with missing my daughter. And I knew He was right there dancing in the storm with me.

Children, Trauma, Grief

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It’s been awhile since I posted a blog post; my goal when we started this blog was to try to post once a month. One of the articles I read when researching about blogging said not to focus so much on blogging that you forget to live real life and that is why I haven’t posted for a while and this post is pretty much what we’re living out these days. It would seem after 4 years that we’d feel like we have more answers or fewer questions. Or have a better understanding or feel more together, more victorious than it at times appears to me but maybe victory looks different in trauma and grief.

    We’re still asked questions that have no answers, “Why did Jennie have to die?”

Sure, I can give a medically correct answer, “Her injuries were too bad, too big for her body to survive.”

“But isn’t God a big God? Why didn’t He do something?!?”

“Oh, honey, I don’t know, I don’t understand either. It does feel like God has let us down, doesn’t it? But the truth is God is just as sad and broken-hearted as we are. He hurts because we hurt.” We’ve had many similar conversations the past weeks, months, years… It’s been good, even though it’s been very painful, for my heart to have these conversations. The death of my child made me question everything I believed, everything I thought I knew about God. It was a crisis of my faith. It made me question; “What/who is the most important thing? What is the eternal value of doing what I’m doing? And with the heavy responsibility of bringing up our children – well, the pat answers, the clichés didn’t work anymore; we live out of our hearts, not our brains, so it’s what we know in our hearts, what we believe at the heart level that we live out in our life. Sometimes we aren’t aware of what our hearts our actually believing until a crisis happens in our lives and we’re left with what our hearts know and have experienced. And we’ll only be able to pass on to our children what we know, believe in our heart.

      Some things we’ve learned about trauma and grief over the years. Trauma is any negative event that produces distress; it can be physical and/or emotional. Trauma can cause children to revert to younger behavior, such as wetting themselves even though they are potty trained, throwing a temper tantrum or crying a lot, thumb-sucking, baby-talking. It causes them to become anxious, fearful and upset, at times having nightmares or affecting their ability to concentrate with learning. Children also recreate the trauma in their play, one of our girls would lie on the floor and play with toy cars and have accident after accident where people were flying out of their cars and dying. I was horrified at first but then I realized it was one way she was trying to understand, make sense of the tragedy that shattered her young world. Trauma in young children affects their brains in very real ways but if they are well-connected emotionally in a safe secure way their brains handle trauma differently than if they don’t feel safe and secure. Any type of trauma makes a child question, “Is my world safe?” And living in an insecure, unsafe world can actually rewire a brain making childhood trauma a difficult journey.

     Children and teens grieve so differently that we as adults. Sometimes it shows up as misbehavior, anger- especially at God and parents (They should have kept my world safe and didn’t), fear- sometimes irrational because world they knew no longer feels secure. We were encouraged to not spank our children in that first year after the death of Jennie. Yes, they need disciplined but most of their problematic behaviors came out of a heart filled with pain, insecurity and unsettledness. We were advised by our grief counselors to hold our child tightly till they have calmed down; and then tucking their head under our chin, against our chest and read their favorite story books for 15-30 minutes. Then talk about their behavior, about their feelings and actions. I don’t know or totally understand the science or psychology behind this but we have done this so often and it really works. Four years later, how we do it looks a bit different but we still read to our children and do story time very regularly and interestingly enough our new home school evaluator told me reading to your children often and lots is one of the most important things you can do for them. She said the relationship built while reading to them is the foundation on which the rest of their education is built. We also need to help our children put words to their feelings, to what is happening in their hearts and to let them know they are not alone. I feel a lot of the same feelings and have lots of questions too. We need to model grieving well. Where do we show them to go with and in our pain- to Jesus or to eating, electronics, emotionally shutting down or withdrawing?

     We’re also going through a “grief-share” book for children. It is called Grief Care- A Children’s Grief Ministry- Helping Children Heal From Loss in Their Life written by Wanda Miller and Elvera Miller. It has stories of children who had loved ones die and how they felt, questions they had, feelings they felt, etc and it helps our child realize they are not alone, others have felt the same feelings and asked some of the same questions they do. It helps them put words to their feelings. It gives an opportunity to think about, to explore, to talk about what’s going on in their heart and mine too.

     So maybe we are living in victory after all because we’re exploring our hearts, being vulnerable to ask questions, allowing our hearts to feel the pain, the longings we have, being honest with each other. Living in victory is not that I don’t experience pain, its knowing where to go with that pain and inviting my child to go with me to Papa God with our pain. Maybe victory is choosing to dance in the storm and knowing God is right there dancing with me.

Life with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

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March is brain injury awareness month shown by a green ribbon.

I find it ironic that March is also when our family suffered three TBI’s, from mild to severe, all unique, all different; as I read in one of our online support groups, “If you’ve seen one brain injury, you’ve seen one brain injury”. The injury, healing and after-effects are unique to that one brain injury. To me it is so amazing that both Jana and my brain injury were both classified as severe yet how different the outcomes were and are. I’ve been told a little too often “but you look so good”. Well some days, looks can be very deceiving. And green-to me green stands for life but in one sense life for me ended that night, the life I knew anyway. I have needed to learn how to cope with the new life I’ve been given and learning new things after a brain injury is often more difficult and needs more repetition.

I looked over the post I wrote almost two years ago about living with a brain injury and there are some things still the same, some things have improved or else I’ve gotten used to it or maybe I’ve adjusted and don’t expect as much of myself as I did. Yes, my brain still aches at times, especially after crying, although I believe with my diet change I have really reduced the severity and frequency of the headaches. The fogginess is better as well. I still have that buzzy, ringing, weird noise in my head, so I listen a lot to Pandora on my phone. Big crowds still very much overwhelm me and if I don’t have someone to focus on I allow myself to “space out” so I don’t go on overload- cause my reactions aren’t pretty to see. (Just ask my children) I still don’t multitask well. I still forget so much stuff!! But I have discovered a wonderful thing on my phone- called a calendar that can alert me when its time to do things- like turn on the oven so we can have supper on time. It also tells me when to do laundry but you’d think I could remember that if I want clean clothes I need to actually, uh like, start the washer. 😲 Thankfully not all days are as bad as that. But I do question and wonder, “What will my little girls learn or need to un-learn or re-learn because of my brain injury?” and I often ask God to protect their young hearts from being too scarred as a result of my limitations and issues. I have learned it helps a lot to be very open about my responses, reactions and struggles and to talk about their feelings.

I have found several online support groups where I can ask questions and talk with others who have experienced a brain injury, as well as hearing from other caregivers that also post helpful articles. It was through these groups that I learned listening to music is very therapeutic and healing to the brain as well as doing a craft or hobby. They are also stress relieving and stress is very hard on a person with a brain injury. I was excited to realize I remembered how to crochet and one of our neighbors asked if I would crochet a blanket out of some yarn they were given and I did. Reading is another very good activity for the brain and for me a paper version of a book works better than a screen version and I guess that’s because I was hit on the back of the head which is the part of your brain where your vision is controlled. On especially bright sunny days I will see floaty or sparkly things flying in front of my eyes. I will often get a head ache as well. Sunglasses have become my friend on our walks to the library or whenever I spend time outside. Another thing I learned is that our brains only heal when we sleep, which is one reason people sleep a lot when they have a concussion. But getting to sleep is one of my biggest challenges; it would be nice to be sleeping before midnight but too often I see midnight. The other thing I learned was I need to try to remember to look ahead when making plans so I don’t try to do too much. I have scheduled an hour of free time each day and over JoAnn’s surgery I realized again just how necessary that time is for me; time for me to rest, to sit back and drink a cup of tea or coffee. I read this article from the But You Don’t look Sick website to my family about “spoons” and it helped me explain to my family how I need to plan how to spend my energy. So I get asked, “Mom do you have enough spoons to do…?” Or I’ll be like, “girls the spoons are getting very low, I need your help or I need you to be extra quiet.”

I admit I still question, “Why did God allow our family to have two severe brain injuries to live through? How can He be honored and glorified when it feels like my life is messy and chaotic and my responses are not always Christ-like?” I have more questions than answers but one thing I do know is that 2 Corinthians 12:10b is very true, “For when I am weak, than I am strong.” In accepting my weakness and learning to live with my limitations, I have become aware of a strength, (sometimes it’s physical strength to continue to the end of the day, sometimes it’s a mental strength to say “No, I can’t do that”)  a confidence to continue living an abundant life even while experiencing pain; physical pain from the injuries of our accident, emotional pain of missing my smiling, cheerful little girl, as well learning how to best care for a disabled child. Even while experiencing shattered dreams and living in the tension of longing for another world while living in this one. Papa God is so good. This song Even If by Kutless is my desire, my prayer…

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Our 25th Wedding Anniversary

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Our Wedding DayOur eyes are full of stars, and our hearts full of dreams and our brains think they know how to make this thing called marriage work – – I mean we both love each other — how hard can marriage be?….

10 Years later…

The stars and dreams are not as bright and vibrant and the brain is beginning to wonder if knowledge is enough to have a good marriage?? But it has a stubborn/hardened streak – – If I just do the right things: like reading the Bible everyday, praying more, being more patient and kind, going to church more, then surely somehow, doing the right things will make a good marriage….

20 Years Later….

The stars have burned out, the dreams died and the brain is numb and doesn’t know anything anymore…. All the good I’d done didn’t help me when I found out about my husband’s infidelity, when I discovered his secret sin. We were in the process of losing our house to bankruptcy and foreclosure. Could life get any worse??? I started questioning God and everything I thought I knew about Him. As a last chance to save our marriage and to find out who God really was; I took the Core and Lab 1 classes at Life ministries. I promised myself to give it all I had, to be as nakedly honest and real with myself, my heart and God as I knew how to be and I found out- – There is a very loving Father God!!

And a month after our 21st anniversary life did get worse –  much more than I could have ever imagined. I now know why the divorce rate is so high after the death of a child (80-90% within 10 years) and after a disabled child (25%) and after a traumatic brain injury  (25%). Statistically our marriage didn’t have a chance to survive. And had I not met God during our classes at Life Ministries…..it might not have survived.

25 Years Later…

The stars are starting to twinkle again and dreams are staring to shimmer again – the brain stills feels it knows less than it ever did but my heart has experienced God in ways I have trouble finding words to describe – I’ve experienced such an awesome God, my heart quivers and trembles, there are no words – just here I am God. I’ve experienced such a kind, gentle, loving Papa God, my heart rests and says “This is the Daddy I’ve always longed for.” So if its possible I’m more excited about the next 25 years than I was on our wedding day. And I think its because I – well Casting Crowns says it perfectly..

Is there room in your heart
Is there room in your heart
Is there room in your heart
For God to write His story
You can come as you are
But it may set you apart
When you make room in your heart
And trade your dreams for His glory
Make room in your heart
Make room in your heart

And this song also encourages me that because of our brokenness, our marriage actually has a pretty good survival rate.

“The only way we’ll last forever is broken together.”

JoAnn’s Update

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The doctor called and wants to do surgery as soon as can be planned due to the size of the tumor/cyst which increases the risk of seizures. So surgery is scheduled for February 22; quite a bit sooner than the game plan we had so neatly arranged in our minds. How does one process the tailspin news like this puts me on? I’m not sure, but… well actually, I’m pretty certain Papa God is more okay with my turmoil of feelings than I am. If I can manage my feelings, neatly arrange them, I have this totally wrong idea than I’ve got it under control, that I can handle life; but if I can handle life then I don’t really need God. Yet when it feels like I’m in a whirlwind, it makes me question, Where is God? Is life safe anymore? How am I even to make future plans when this life keeps throwing me curve-balls and messing up my neatly arranged plans? And I begin to question the goodness of God which shows just how human I am… I just went to make supper and I saw a beautiful red cardinal enjoying the seeds from the bird feeder. I had not yet seen a cardinal at our feeder here in the city. I felt God saying, “See I do care about you. I am here for you. I am for you and not against you.” “Thank you, Papa God.” I was filled with a wonderful feeling of peace and comfort that even though I don’t know the outcome, God does and He can and will handle this whole thing. I just have to be willing to trust Him.

I keep listening to this song by Matthew West and am reassured once again that I don’t have to do it alone, God is more than willing to do it with me.

Prayer requests:

~ That God would guide the doctor’s hands as he does the surgery.

~ That everyone would stay healthy, especially JoAnn over the next several weeks.

~ That JoAnn would feel God’s peace over the next weeks and that recovery would go well.

~ That JoAnn’s siblings could have peace and comfort; some have been a little high-strung the last few days.

~ That God would be glorified and honored through this experience.

Thank you!

Our Fall Project

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We painted our porch this fall. I wanted our front porch to be a spot of beauty and a place for people to rest as they wait for the bus; we have a bus stop right in front of our house.

So I started searching Pinterest for ideas for painted rugs and I found a couple but of course changed them a bit and we’re happy with the finished results even though it doesn’t quite match the picture I had in my mind. I had some interesting conversations with people as they strolled by or waited for the bus. I want to get some sort of wicker furniture yet for us to use but till I got the painting done I couldn’t find any available, but hopefully come spring we’ll be able to find something.

I wanted our names on the quilt and as I thought about our family’s story I knew God had to be in the center because He held us together through it all and then we were totally covered with Faith, Hope and Love. Although at times, it was someone else’s faith believing for us and someone else hoping for us and someone showing us God’s love, because in the darkest, hardest times I had no faith, hope and love or at least very little.

Thank you so much for having faith, hope and love for us when we didn’t have the strength to have it for ourselves. Thank you for praying for us.

Summer Fun & An Update

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We got to experience some fun new things this summer. Moving to the city gave us the opportunity to enjoy some different and relaxing activities. We’ve also been doing a lot more walking to places. I have decided its easier to walk then to try to parallel park.

We enjoyed an almost weekly picnic and story-time in the city park across from our house

An almost weekly walk to the library.

We spent a wonderful relaxing weekend at our favorite cabin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fishing and Boating

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joe took the girls bowling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We went mini-golfing for the first time and decided its something we want to do again.

 

 

 

 

 

We went to Strasburg Railroad.

 

We got our elegant recliner chairs and they are very comfortable.

 

We had a very lovely tea party at a friend’s house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We enjoyed a picnic and leisurely stroll around Greenfield Park.

 

Jana had another Physical Therapy evaluation done. And the therapist recommended all new braces and night-time equipment as well as doing one session, which is 12 weeks, of therapy to make sure the equipment works like it should and to fine tune her walking. So we will once again be doing a weekly therapy run. I was a bit surprised at the feelings of unrest, worry, scared-ness, even disappointment rising up in my heart with the therapy recommendation. I guess your body never forgets the hard, the stress. I want to sound all Christian and positive and tell myself, “At least its only 12 weeks. At least you have only a 15 minute drive rather than an hour.” Which its all true but what if God wants to heal more of the trauma in my heart that came because of our accident? What if God wants my heart to experience more of Him, more freedom? I believe if I want to experience His love and care; I also need to allow my heart to feel, to experience the pain life brings my way.