…ago we closed the casket on the beautiful sweet face of our eleven-year-old daughter. It has been the most painful thing I have ever done.
Why do I keep writing year after year when not much changes in the grieving? I want people to know that a good and abundant life can be lived in the middle of hard painful circumstances, in the middle of grieving losses… I want people to know about the goodness of God. And maybe they can better see the goodness of God in their story; seeing glimpses of it in my story.
Psalm 23 has become my close treasure over the past months. Verse 1 “I have all I need.” I haven’t run out of tissues yet. I have been given grace, strength and courage to continue processing life and to walk through hard situations in emotionally healthy ways. Verse 2 “He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.” He’s provided friends to listen when I needed to talk and to pray for me. They gave insight into verses that I couldn’t figure out and then God also gave me a special vision how those verses applied to me personally. Verse 3 “He guides me…” He’s helped me connect to ladies willing to give help, advice, and encouragement for this online college course I’m attempting. Verse 4 “Even when I walk through the darkest valley…You are close beside me.” I can strongly attest to that. I’ve never felt left alone through the many dark nights I’ve experienced. God has shown up in very different ways at times, but you know God, being God, does some pretty amazing, awesome things. Like the other week, I felt like I was surrounded by multiple impossible situations with no sign of relief or help. At Bible Study, one of the leaders said she finished a 5-day Bible reading she began in February- it ended with, “All things are possible with God.” Then she read her verse-of-the-day verse it was, “All things are possible with God.” Lastly, she got out her journal to write and on the cover was- “All things are possible with God.” She said, “I don’t know who this is for, but I felt strongly that God wanted me to share this and whatever impossible situation you are in- well, “All things are possible with God.” And I experienced that tale tell warmth surround me when I’m getting a God hug. So, I’m choosing to believe, to trust that He is working even when I don’t seem to see anything happening. I’m holding on to the promise of His goodness and love pursuing me all the days of my life and living in His house forever…
I love the Passion Version of Psalm 23
The Good Shepherd 1 Yahweh is my best friend and my shepherd. I always have more than enough. 2 He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love. His tracks take me to an oasis of peace near the quiet brook of bliss. 3 That’s where he restores and revives my life. He opens before me the right path and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness so that I can bring honor to his name. 4 Even when your path takes me through the valley of deepest darkness, fear will never conquer me, for you already have! Your authority is my strength and my peace. The comfort of your love takes away my fear. I’ll never be lonely, for you are near. 5 You become my delicious feast even when my enemies dare to fight. You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit; you give me all I can drink of you until my cup overflows. 6 So why would I fear the future? Only goodness and tender love pursue me all the days of my life. Then afterward, when my life is through, I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!
I look at your sweet face and wonder how can it be 9 years since I’ve hugged you?
Time slips by and life goes on – But from our hearts you’re never gone. We think about you always we talk about you too – We have so many memories but we wish we still had you.
poems from all great quotes.com
We didn’t know that morning the pain that day would bring –
When a golden heart stopped beating and I couldn’t do a thing.
No words can heal the heartache or stop a silent tear –
Or take away the memories, of a Daughter we loved so dear.
Your resting place I visit, the flowers I place with care –
But nothing compares to the pain we feel when we turn and leave you there.
Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure, Loving you always, Forgetting you never,
Mom and Dad, JoAnn, Justin & Stephanie and Felicity, Jana, Jodi & Janessa
…but do I live like I know and believe I am loved? Do I believe I am accepted and loved just as I am by Papa God?
I mean we all have times when we doubt and question that God loves us. Life in this broken messed up world can be very hard and painful. We witness, and at times, experience it in very personal ways; which if I am authentic, I will admit to feeling doubt that God is good or that God loves me, and I question- “How could a loving God allow_______? You can fill in the blank with your own hard, painful story piece… I also wonder if maybe some of my reactions to life’s circumstances are because my soul is gasping for God, a connection with Him. To be able to experience His presence, His love, to live a life of victory. Our pastor said something that caught my ear, “We are to fight from a place of victory not for victory. Jesus has secured the victory for us already!”
What does living loved and fighting from victory look like? I think it starts with my belief; my actions always follow my belief. Do I believe I have Papa God’s affection, approval, and acceptance or am I believing I must earn it by living a life of performance? Do I believe the victory is already secured, that I don’t have to do more or be more to secure it? I believe God’s deepest desire is a relationship, a connection with me, with my heart. It’s then when I am vulnerable and authentic with God that I can live loved, that I can live from victory. I can live loved when I have experienced God’s overwhelming, never-ending love.
Living loved and fighting from victory also comes from a place of believing God is a sovereign God, an all-powerful God, and in a place of surrender to this God. I’ve had the wrong idea about what surrender looks like, I’ve thought it is a more passive approach “Okay, God I don’t like this, I don’t want what is happening, but I surrender to You.” I’m now seeing that true surrender only comes after wrestling long and hard, sometimes after an all-night wrestle with God. Surrender comes after asking all the questions and begging God for a different way or plan. Surrender often leaves one with a limp, a scar. Look at Jacob, Genesis 32:22-32, he wrestled all night with God and ends up with a displaced hip and a new name… I believe Jesus wrestled with God in the Garden of Gethsemane; He asked His Father several times if it’s possible to take away the cup of suffering and He was “in such agony of spirit that His sweat fell to the ground like drops of blood” yet in the end He surrendered powerfully to the plan for saving me and the rest of the world. Jesus was able to surrender because He knew and experienced what living loved was. It seems like surrender and living loved, fighting from victory is a paradox, an oxymoron but in the Kingdom of God it is the way to experience joy, to thrive, to dance in our storms.
One of Jennie’s favorite songs was “Victory in Jesus”. I can still see her sitting on the wooden swing set, swinging as high as she could go, singing as loud as she could. “Oh, victory in Jesus my Savior forever….” She is now enjoying that sweet victory, experiencing that sweet love…
I’ve heard this verse so often over the years and honestly as a teen it frustrated me because it was always said to me when something bad was happening. It felt like a spiritual band-aid- we need a verse to say to spiritualize the hard time. I’ve also learned that when something keeps coming to me and I feel disturbed or unsettled by it; it is usually a really good idea for me to pause and sit with it. To question and ponder- Just what am I believing or feeling?
As I was pondering what I was feeling and looking at what I thought this verse meant; I realized I did not know what joy was or whose it was. I thought it was a happy, feel-good emotion that would give you strength to just keep on doing the work you’re asked to do. And, I also noticed it said the joy of the Lord. It’s not my joy and I can’t manufacture it and I don’t even have to try. It is the Lord’s joy.
Larry Crabb writes, “Brokenness is realizing He is all we have. Hope is realizing He is all we need. Joy is realizing He is all we want.”
The path to joy is often in joyless situations. It seems Joy is best learned from the teacher of pain. I believe I can only experience true joy when I no longer focus on stopping or avoiding the pain but instead embracing it and being honest and real about the loss that is causing the pain. I am no longer afraid to ask the hardest, most painful questions. I’ve learned that asking questions is one way my heart can be opened to experience God, to hear from God. Asking questions does not mean I’m demanding or expecting answers, it is one way to be authentic. Connecting moments of loss to a deeper power. That deeper power is joy…. Until we have an encounter with Jesus Christ, I don’t think we can understand joy.
I believe joy in grief or hard times looks different than joy in happy, pleasant times. Joy is sometimes tears streaming down my face because my heart is aching with grief and longing for my heavenly home. It is choosing to trust that my Father is creating beauty out of ashes. It is the feeling of an overwhelming, deep peace in my heart even though there’s chaos in my house and circumstances. Joy is focusing on my Father, not my fears. Joy is confidence in the goodness of God. Joy comes from worshiping at both altars- lament and praise: which is declaring the truth that God is faithful, and He is in the midst of the pain I am feeling and trauma I am facing. Joy comes from a dynamic faith, a knowing that “when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10 Joy is a sense of peace and contentment, a sense of freedom. It is being willing to learn some unfamiliar dance steps, trusting that my Papa is leading me in them.
I love this song “Faithfully” by TobyMac. I believe we will have true joy in our hearts when we realize that Papa God was there faithfully making a way for us, never leaving us.
But when my world broke into pieces You were there faithfully When I cried out to You, Jesus You made a way for me I may never be the same man But I’m a man who still believes When I cried out to You, Jesus You were there faithfully
In my darkest hour, You met me So quietly, so gently You said You’d never leave And you stood by Your word So quietly, so gently In all my pain, You met me You said You’d never leave And you stood by Your word
It was only months before our accident I came across a saying and I’m not sure I can quote it exactly, but it was something close to this. “Most of the witnesses to God’s goodness are silent witnesses.” As I read that, I felt God was asking me to stop being a silent witness. But I also felt like my story, well it’s not unique; lots of people have been hurt and abused. And then one month before our accident we were at a sexual abuse seminar, and I heard this song by MercyMe, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And instantly it struck a chord in my heart. I remember thinking, “Well none of my children have died but still through the abuse a part of me did die.” And I knew God wanted to heal my broken hurting heart. And I felt like lots of healing was taking place and I was finally alive. I clearly remember that week just prior to our accident, for the first time in my life I was longing to live, life was looking so exciting, so inviting, so freeing. I was finally learning to know who God really was.
Then our accident happened, and I lost so much. I lost my song. I was overwhelmed with more pain and trauma than I knew what to do with. We were in the hospital with Jana on Father’s Day (June 2014) and Duane and Cindy Mullet were at church and someone somehow through skype or something like that we were able to hear the service. And they sang this song, “The Hurt and The Healer”. And I remembered again when I first heard it. And again, I felt like God was telling me, “The message of this song is for you.” And you know a shattered heart doesn’t hear the music it only hears the words. And it became my song. I have listened to it hundreds of times over the years.
Why? The question that is never far away But the healing doesn’t come from the explained Jesus please don’t let this go in vain You’re all I have All that remains
So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I fall into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide
Over the past months, maybe even years, I again realized I lost my song again or maybe more accurately the pain, the question, the uncertainty, the continued losses obscured the music. I’ve been writing just not publishing much and most of it isn’t even publishing worthy- raw anger, pain, and confusion. I again was believing the lies from the devil that I don’t matter, my story isn’t important, I don’t have what it takes to be a good writer. And again, my Papa God has been working and healing in my heart. I believe He is a good good Father and I am trusting He is working things out for His good and glory. I sense that Papa God is asking me to put my belief, my faith in action and honestly, I’m not totally sure what that all looks like; but I’ve started college with a dream and yes it’s hard work and making me doubt and question, “Did I hear God correctly?” I’ve been learning so much about trauma, pain, and loss, not only through books but in real life circumstances and again that tug to tell of the Goodness of God….
So I’m typing up my ramblings and polishing them just a bit and will post them and I hope to touch someone’s heart and let them know they are not alone in the pain and confusion that life in this world gives us. I want to tell people how God has been so good to me so that maybe they have new eyes to see how God is there for them too. His Word promises “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:8
It is once again Thanksgiving Day and your birthday on the same day. I am so grateful for the peace, the courage and strength Papa God gives me to keep choosing to dance as I continue the journey of loss and grief.
Your 9th birthday in heaven…. How does time keep moving on when at times it seems I’m still back in the farmhouse hearing the noises from all six of you children playing outside? How does someone live in two worlds at the same time? How can your cousin that was born the same year as you be old enough to get married and yet in my mind, you’re still my little girl? Did you grow up in heaven? There are so many questions that will not be answered on this side of eternity. There is so much pain, so much hard, so much loss, so much ugliness in this broken world; yet here we find ourselves living in a world we were never meant for. Our hearts, our souls long for the world you are immensely enjoying. I take so much comfort and rest in the truth that God is okay with my questions without answers, that God is accepting and understanding of my so very human responses to this broken world. I keep looking for and longing for when I will be with you again and until that time, I know Papa God will celebrate you and love you and take good care of you till we are together again.
…is one of my problems. When it was brought to my attention, I was not sure if it really fit. I had heard the term burnout but mostly associated with those in missions or on the mission field because I heard it happened when a person was trying to do God’s work instead of waiting for God to care of it.
But my inquisitive brain would not let it go. I kept thinking about it- What exactly is caregiver burnout? And can I, as a parent really, have it? I mean it is demanding work being a mother and yes sometimes it feels like I am asked to do the impossible, to do what only God can.
I found out caregiver burnout is when you are in a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental state of exhaustion. Ummmm well I qualify for that…. seems like I am tired even before I get out of bed some days. I realize my brain injury has a big part to play into that as well. Here are some of the caregiver burnout symptoms I found:
Lack of energy
Overwhelming fatigue
Weight loss or gain
Sleeping too much or too little
A feeling of hopelessness
Anxiety
Depression
Mood swings
Difficulty coping with normal everyday routine
Headaches, stomach aches or other physical problems
So yeah, I can identify with quite a few of those symptoms but does a mother really suffer from caregiver burnout? I am going to stick my neck out and say “yes!” We mothers are usually our children’s primary caregiver and most times they grow up and become independent young adults; but sometimes the plan breaks, and they end up as forever children, not having the ability to become totally independent. While I would not change having had six wonderful children, it is extremely exhausting and add trauma and it’s after effects to that and it is no wonder I am exhausted.
So, what’s a mother to do? I do not fore see any substantial changes in my near future that would ease the caregiving aspect. The different websites I had read used words- “self-love,” “self-care,” and “self-respect” and while that may sound very selfish and not at all Christ-like, what is the greatest commandment? Matthew 22:36-40 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” What does it look like to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind? To love my neighbor (my children) as myself? I wonder if we really understand what loving looks like. In our world we use love too lavishly and frivolously, (I love coffee and chocolate.) especially in comparison to how Christ loved (He lived and died showing us what love truly is). I looked at The Gospels and noticed Christ seemed to regularly go to the mountains to pray or He got up before daybreak. So, He spent time alone with His Father, away from the crowds who desperately wanted something from Him.
What does it look like for me to love well? To love with all my heart, soul and mind? That encompasses the three parts of us (physical, emotional, and spiritual) and if one of them is not well it does affect the other two. If my mind is so exhausted and my body too tired from lack of sleep, how can my heart and spirit hear the truth of God’s Word?
I had been unknowingly learning to do one of the most important things to ease caregiver burnout. I had started scheduling things to do a little bit each day instead of doing a big job all day long. I started giving myself grace and space to be okay with things done more simply and differently than what I grew up learning how to do. I now make a casserole or soup, do one load of laundry a day, clean one room or even a section of one room a day. I actually schedule free time- time to read and relax. I take time to be in nature as I find that very relaxing. I’m learning what makes my brain feel overloaded and how to work with that in a healthy way, too. I’m still learning what it looks like in real life what it means to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbor (my children) as myself. I’m so grateful for God’s never-ending love, mercy and grace as I continue to be human and make mistakes.
***Disclaimer: I had started this post several years ago and never finished it. I felt too vulnerable, too insecure; (it still feels vulnerable but I’m more secure now) I was certain I was doing something wrong. I did not think a good Christian would be experiencing so many of the feelings I was. But I still identify with some of the symptoms of caregiver burnout, so I decided to finish it. I’m becoming more accepting of myself and my journey to healthy wholeness, realizing that true and complete wholeness isn’t happening till I reach the Promised Land. Over the years I have come to understand that to accept/acknowledge the losses, I must grieve, in a healthy way, what I lost and that sometimes grieving is a longer journey than one would think because some losses are not always visible and some losses one isn’t aware of till years after the event that caused the loss. I have also learned that sometimes dancing in the storm is choosing to rest in my Father’s arms, to be still and know, to trust in His never-ending love. To hold on to the belief that Papa finishes what He starts and that He is making beauty out of ashes.
I found this song “I Will” by Citizen Way and have listened to it so very often over the years:
I know you’re feeling overwhelmed Before the day even begins But I can see beyond the now This is not how your story ends And when you’re at your weakest Oh I’ve never been more strong So let Me be the One you’re leaning on.
…that I’ve/we’ve been on this journey of loss, pain and grief from our accident. It feels like there’s nothing new to say- it’s the same old story- It’s still incredibly painful…. it hasn’t stopped…it’s still very tiring…there’s still more questions than answers…
Yet I’ve become aware of a shift in the past half year or so. It started last fall, I participated in a ladies Bible study. We did a study on spiritual disciplines. The leaders suggested one to do each week but also encouraged us to change it if another one stirred our hearts. The first one that touched my heart was Celebration. I believe the reason my heart was stirred and longed for celebration was that for so very long- almost 8 years to be exact- I wasn’t, couldn’t celebrate. Celebration seems very contradictory to loss, pain and grief. Celebrating seems to be the joyous happy times and not the hard sad days. Celebration sounds like having a good time, enjoying laughter and friendships not struggling through pain and depression. But what if celebration looks more like living from God’s abundance and not from my scarcity, my emptiness and pain? What if celebration is more about who God is than what I’m feeling? What if celebration is more about being honest, real and vulnerable than looking good? What if celebration is being okay worshiping at the altar of lament as well as the altar of praise?
I discovered these wonderful verses during my Bible study: I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this. The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. Lamentations 3:20-25 I felt Papa saying, “It’s true, you’ll never forget this awful time, you will continue to grieve all of your losses and pain; YET you can still dare to hope, to trust, to celebrate Me because My love never ends, My faithfulness never stops and My mercies are new and fresh every morning. I will be good to you as you depend on My abundance rather than your scarcity.” I felt my heart getting stretched just a bit bigger again. In one of my grief support groups I found a clip-art trying to illustrate what people think grief over time does and what really happens and I didn’t care for how it was illustrated so I came up with this, which in my opinion shows it better:
I have felt my heart growing over the years; becoming more okay with the chaos of feelings, the mystery of not understanding how or what or where the journey is taking me. I’m accepting that my journey of loss, pain and grief will never end and I’m learning that I can celebrate with my wonderful Papa God as I keep choosing to dance with Him, to celebrate Him. I believe a big part of my heart growing is holding on to hope, Papa’s hope and is very well expressed in this song, “Promised Land” by TobyMac.
I won’t give up on this race Broken but I still have faith That this old life is all part of a plan And I can feel it in my soul One day I’ll stand before the throne With nothing left but hope in these two hands
Through all these seasons, I’m still believin’ You’re my promised land In all my grievin’ I’m still believin’ You’re my promise land
It's the 8th anniversary of your going Home.
Eight years of missing you,
Eight years of not hearing your giggle,
Eight years of not feeling your hugs,
Eight years of not seeing your smile,
Eight years of memories without your presence,
Eight years of aching with longing,
Eight years of facing every morning with pain,
Eight years of questions, of wondering,
BUT
There is also:
Eight years of experiencing Papa in unexplainable ways,
Eight years of hearing Papa's voice in the darkest of nights,
Eight years of feeling Papa's arms gently surrounding me,
Eight years of seeing Papa's love manifested in many ways,
Eight years knowing you are making memories with Papa and Jesus,
Eight years of only imagining the delight and wonder you're experiencing,
Eight years of experiencing Papa's grace and strength,
Eight years of knowing that one day we will be together again.
And the last half of those eight years’ experiences are because of the scars in Jesus hands. I will spend the rest of my life living in gratitude of what Jesus’ work on the cross has made possible for me. My heart’s response to experiencing the Divine Love, Care and Grace is to worship- sometimes in praise, sometimes in lament, sometimes dancing in the storm…
Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure, Loving you always, Forgetting you never,
Mom and Dad, JoAnn, Justin & Stephanie and Felicity, Jana, Jodi & Janessa
To my dearly loved and deeply missed Jennie girl: I love you. I’m finding it hard to believe this is your 8th birthday without you here to celebrate. On that first birthday without you, I just couldn’t imagine doing it again and again but here I am/we are doing it for the 8th year. And I think for the first time since that awful night, I’m not dreading Thanksgiving Day. I have a deep peace, a knowing that where you are, someday I’ll be there with you and yes I’m longing for that day but I’ve been learning a lot recently about what it looks like to live out of God’s abundance and not my scarcity. I’ve learned that I can feel the grief, pain and heartache of missing you yet still feel gratitude for all that Papa God has been to me and has done for me in this journey. One feeling does not negate the other and neither do I have to feel one or the other. There is room in my heart to feel both. I’ve also learned that there’s nothing good or bad about how I’m feeling. It simply just is that- the feeling/emotion I’m experiencing in the moment. My value and worth have been decreed by God not how I’m feeling. And to be with God I have to identify what’s true because that’s where God is. God is true and present. Right here. Right now. But I’m still looking forward to the day that I can stroll over heaven with you and until then I will keep learning, keep experiencing Papa God and His love.
