This year, for the anniversary of the accident, I decided to read the book of Job. As I read it, I connected with quite a few of Job’s questions and statements. A bit of a disclaimer, the place I am in right now did not just come from the accident anniversary. There have been several really hard, difficult, and quite painful events over the past couple of weeks, and these verses put words to a lot of what has been and is swirling around inside me…

The following are verses copied and pasted from the book of Job…

“Why wasn’t I born dead? Why didn’t I die as I came from the womb? Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace. I would be asleep and at rest. What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. But I don’t have the strength to endure. I have nothing to live for. Honest words can be painful, I hate my life and don’t want to go on living. For you examine us every morning and test us every moment. Why won’t you leave me alone, at least long enough for me to swallow! It is a land as dark as midnight, a land of gloom and confusion, where even the light is dark as midnight. “O God, grant me these two things, and then I will be able to face you. Remove your heavy hand from me, and don’t terrify me with your awesome presence. Now summon me, and I will answer! Or let me speak to you, and you reply. Tell me, what have I done wrong? Show me my rebellion and my sin. Why do you turn away from me? Why do you treat me as your enemy? I was living quietly until he shattered me. He took me by the neck and broke me in pieces. My spirit is crushed, and my life is nearly snuffed out. My eyes are swollen with weeping, and I am but a shadow of my former self. My days are over. My hopes have disappeared. My heart’s desires are broken. Where then is my hope? Can anyone find it? How long will you torture me? How long will you try to crush me with your words? But it is God who has wronged me,
capturing me in his net. “I cry out, ‘Help!’ but no one answers me. I protest, but there is no justice. God has blocked my way so I cannot move. He has plunged my path into darkness. My relatives stay far away, and my friends have turned against me. My family is gone, and my close friends have forgotten me. I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought! Darkness is all around me; thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere. I long for the years gone by, At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly. I cry to you, O God, but you don’t answer. I stand before you, but you don’t even look. My heart is troubled and restless. Days of suffering torment me. I walk in gloom, without sunlight. I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.

These verses come from Psalms…

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles. From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. O Lord, I cry out to you. I will keep on pleading day by day. O Lord, why do you reject me? Why do you turn your face from me? Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

“Thank you, Papa, for Your holy love, caring understanding, and kind acceptance. I am so grateful that You are a Healer and a Redeemer and a Restorer of all things. That is the belief that gets me through the days when I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head.”

I got Heaven on my mind
I got people waitin’ by
Close my eyes and I can see
Dancin’ on them golden streets
Got me dreamin’ of the day
Never leave, we get to stay
‘Til I see that welcome sign
I ain’t even gonna lie
I’ve got Heaven on my mind