…have come and gone since we laid to rest our beautiful daughter in the cold dark ground. I have probably cried every one of the 3,650 days since then- in my heart if not outwardly.

I still can’t make sense of why it had to happen. I still feel “in the dark” yet I know Papa is there holding me, hearing every question my heart does not have words for. I am so grateful for my encounter with God in the hospital because frankly, I have no idea how I would have the courage or strength to keep walking through this journey of grief and loss.

I struggle with how the sovereignty of God fits with His providence. Was His providence (His divine care and guidance) overpowered by His sovereignty (His divine power or authority) that cold dark night?? How do I make sense of an all loving AND all powerful God allowing my one child dying and my other child permanently disabled that awful night ten years ago? I think I have become okay with the fact that some things do not and will not make sense or be understood in this world.  I keep hearing my son tell me something he learned at SMBI – “All that God is, All of God is.” – meaning that His Sovereignty is also His Providence and His Providence is also His Sovereignty, His love is just, His justice is love…It is that awesome, wonderful mystery that I will never begin to unravel and understand. I have become okay with my mysterious God because if I understood God, He would not be God. Thank you, Papa God, for being so good, kind, and loving, for dancing in this storm with me. Thank you for the glimpses of sunshine and rainbows too.