To my dearly loved and deeply missed Jennie girl: I love you. I’m finding it hard to believe this is your 8th birthday without you here to celebrate. On that first birthday without you, I just couldn’t imagine doing it again and again but here I am/we are doing it for the 8th year. And I think for the first time since that awful night, I’m not dreading Thanksgiving Day. I have a deep peace, a knowing that where you are, someday I’ll be there with you and yes I’m longing for that day but I’ve been learning a lot recently about what it looks like to live out of God’s abundance and not my scarcity. I’ve learned that I can feel the grief, pain and heartache of missing you yet still feel gratitude for all that Papa God has been to me and has done for me in this journey. One feeling does not negate the other and neither do I have to feel one or the other. There is room in my heart to feel both. I’ve also learned that there’s nothing good or bad about how I’m feeling. It simply just is that- the feeling/emotion I’m experiencing in the moment. My value and worth have been decreed by God not how I’m feeling. And to be with God I have to identify what’s true because that’s where God is. God is true and present. Right here. Right now. But I’m still looking forward to the day that I can stroll over heaven with you and until then I will keep learning, keep experiencing Papa God and His love.
I’ve been rather excited about stepping into that role but at the same time it feels mostly like a dream, a bit unreal; because I haven’t held or seen her yet other than in pictures and jerky twitchy video calls that are too few and far between. I’m also deeply saddened because of her being a whole ocean away from me. (And as a side note to my son or daughter-in-law, if you read this, I don’t want you to feel bad or guilty for the choice you have made. I believe you are following God’s leading and I bless you for your service, for answering God’s call. And I’m sure there are hard things on your end that I don’t see.) One day as I was complaining to Papa God about how hard and unfair it is that I have to give up my only son and granddaughter; He kindly, gently reminded me that what I’m experiencing now is an answer to prayers I prayed years ago. I’ve always wanted my children to love God and live for Him. I prayed for my children to follow God, to be faithful to His leading and voice and my son is. He and his lovely wife are where they believe God has asked them to be, serving and living for Him in a far away land. So honestly I wouldn’t want it any other way but I’m very much a human and find it difficult to keep the eternal perspective. I want to hold and snuggle with my first grand baby. I want to read books to her. I want to feel that sweet soft baby skin. And hear that cute baby gurgle and giggle, watch her discovering her hands and toes. I’d even love to hold her while she’s crying. But those are treasures I have to forgo for the eternal work, for God’s kingdom. And please, don’t think I don’t struggle with that. I do- regularly. Words are easy to type, to say. What are my actions showing I believe?
Again I have a choice- Do I choose to dance in this storm with my Papa God and allow Him to lead me in this? Or do I allow the grief and hardness of this circumstance affect how I love? Like I said before I do believe my son is following God’s leading and it’s what I prayed for. So what does loving well look like? Maybe by holding other babies and loving on them. Keeping my heart soft in spite of the ache and discomfort. Finding beauty in His creation. Talking to The One who comforts as no one else can. Allowing my heart to experience His love, peace and grace. And trusting, believing that when I get to my eternal home all these unfulfilled longings and desires will be abundantly filled.
…you know how they say the first year after the death of a loved one is the worst because you go through a year of all the firsts without them? Well, I had another first years later….
A new driver in training….
It caught me unawares…One of the things most parents probably don’t think a lot about- I didn’t with my first two. It was a normal part of growing up and giving your children their wings. It’s something I wanted my children to experience. But that was before having a catastrophic accident that shattered my world and forever changed who I was…
I was a bit unprepared for the feelings and questions that this first time event evoked in me. How in the world am I to teach her how to drive safely? I struggle to remember all the basic daily things that need to be done…how will I remember all the little yet so very important things to be able to drive safely and to think ahead and be aware of other drivers and pedestrians? Can I trust her to be a safe driver? Can I trust God to keep her safe? And the biggest fear/question of all- what if she gets killed in an accident??? I have no promise that that won’t happen- it did before- one of my children was killed in a car accident. I want to keep her safe from all the bad stuff that might happen. And in this moment I have a choice- Do I choose to believe Papa God is with me and for me and is good? Or do I live in the fear and questions and prevent my child from being free to be a teenager?
I chose to trust God and look at what are my options to give my daughter freedom in the best and safest way given my brain injury after effects and my PTSD. I’m thankful for friends who listen and not judge but give suggestions. I was encouraged to look into what driver school options are in our area. And I found one and she’s been doing the online portion of learning to drive. And now she’s got her permit too, so I can schedule the “Behind the Wheel” training portion. And we had our first very short drive out a farm field lane. And we both lived to tell about it.
I’m also so thankful that our daughter is understanding or at least willing to work with us in this. I’m so proud of us being able to have a good healthy conversation about how to care for both our hearts- my need for her to be as safe as possible and to know how to drive well and for her to have the responsibility and freedom to drive. The reality is she probably doesn’t understand the fear the flooded my heart, at least not to the degree it is for me; but I’m so grateful for the healing that God has done in her heart and life as well. It takes courage and confidence to step out and do things differently than most of her friends. But she has heard my heart and has respectfully agreed to work with us in this first. I’m also so grateful for a loving Father who understands and cares for my heart and is patiently teaching me these strange new steps of this dance…deeper trust…stronger faith…God-confidence….
