Last November when I was at The Gathering, which was a day to remember, mourn, lament, worship, reclaim and celebrate sexual abuse trauma and survivors. Trudy said something like, “Remember being baptized to be a church member is not the same thing as being baptized as a follower of Jesus.” It grabbed the attention of my heart and I started thinking, processing- asking myself questions. I started looking into what the Bible says about baptism and I heard God asking me to be baptized as a follower, a believer of His. And yes, we had the usual discussion/arguing when being asked to do something big and scary but in the end like usual Love wins and I’m so grateful for Papa God’s mercy and grace.
One reason it was so monumental was the amazing way God healed a part of my heart. One of my arguments with God was over the terror I felt at the thought of being baptized especially after I learned from our pastor that he baptizes by immersion. When one is traumatized, the body doesn’t forget what happened, the brain sees the facts of the present, and the heart remembers and feels the traumatic emotions but often can’t connect things; it takes time and a safe person to help process it. My brain told my heart “come on, what’s the big deal? Its just water.” Yes, yes, I know all that and no matter what my brain told my heart it was still terrified; but I told my heart, “let’s just trust Papa in this and keep telling Him what you’re feeling, keep walking in obedience to His leading.” The evening before my baptism, I was talking with Rachel, a close friend and she asked, “What are the chances it’s connected to your accident? Wasn’t it raining, maybe you got wet?” And after confirming a few details with my hubby, my heart connected things and knew where the terror was coming from. As I talked to the pastor about it he asked, “Do you believe that God can heal and redeem this through baptism?” I do. And guess what? He did! I felt nothing but His love and peace as I stepped into the water. I was immersed in the peace that passes all understanding and the wild, wonderful love of God. It was an amazing experience!
Here is my testimony that I gave just prior to being baptized:
Even though I went to church all my life and was even a church member- it wasn’t until I was almost 40 that I finally found The One my heart was searching for.
My story feels pretty messy and ugly- lots of loss, pain, abuse, death and anger. I spent years trying to do all the right things, to be a good enough church member but it wasn’t working. There was no peace and rest in my heart or soul. So as a last resort, I signed up for a class. I thought if I don’t meet up with Jesus through this- then there really isn’t a God- He’s just a figment of some people’s imagination- just another way to get what they think makes a good life….
But over the months while taking the class and doing the required assignments, I learned to know a Jesus/a God, I had no idea existed. Jesus broke through the wall I built around my heart to keep it safe, broke through the lies I believed about Him and for the first time in my life my heart heard these words from Isaiah 53 verse 3. He was despised and rejected- a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. I turned my back on Him and looked the other way. He was despised and I did not care. 4. Yet it was my weakness He carried; it was my sorrows that weighed Him down. And we thought His troubles were a punishment for His own sin! 5. But He was pierced for my rebellion, crushed for my sins. He was beaten so I could be whole. He was whipped so I could be healed.
And my heart cracked- Jesus’ love started doing its work. I heard all my life that Jesus died on the cross to save me from sin but I never knew He also died for my sorrows, my pain, and my losses. I heard Jesus say, “I will walk beside you in this journey called life. I will never leave you alone.” And as the class came to an end I said, “Yes, God I’ll live for You, I’ll follow You wherever You call me.”…..
And one week later, I was in an ICU trauma room as a result of a car accident, more dead than alive. Our accident totally shattered the world we knew, as well as everything I ever thought I knew about God; my heart was totally shattered. I would not be here today telling you how good and wonderful God is except that His one arm held me like the beloved daughter I am and His other hand slowed the flow of my blood till the doctors could do surgery. I’ve had lots of healing over the last almost 6 & ½ years. I’ve also had lots of questions, lots of doubts, lots of arguments and conversations with God. And one day as I was being really honest with God He helped me find this verse Psalm 118:17 “I will not die; instead I will live to tell what the Lord has done.”
So I’m here to testify:
- That even when you’re in the worst possible place you can be- God will NOT reject you. He WILL meet you where you are and walk with you to a better place. And
- That God is still God and He is GOOD, even though my one daughter died and my one daughter is permanently disabled, even though I live with pain every day of my life- all results of one horrible night. God has never left me and He has willingly and overwhelmingly given me His strength, love and grace to continue this journey called life. And my goal is to live the rest of my life telling of His love and goodness. I’ll leave you with my paraphrased version of Isaiah 43: 1-4:
1. But now, O RoseAnn, listen to the Lord who created you.
O RoseAnn, the One who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name.
2. When your car slides on an icy road forever changing your life,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of tears, pain and sorrow,
You will not drown.
When you walk through the fires of grief, loss and anger,
You will not be burned up:
The flames will not consume you.
3. For I am the Lord, your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I gave Jesus as a ransom for your freedom;
I gave Jesus in your place.
4. Jesus was given in exchange for you,
I traded His life for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honored and I love you.
“Thank You, Papa for all You have done and all You are doing in my life and heart. Thank you for Your amazing love, Your overwhelming grace and sweet peace. May I always remember that You are the treasure my heart is longing for.
We ended the service with one of my many favorite songs. The second verse speaks deeply to my heart:
Mine are tears in times of sorrow Darkness not yet understood Through the valley I must travel Where I see no earthly good But mine is peace that flows from heaven And the strength in times of need I know my pain will not be wasted Christ completes his work in me.
My wonderful out-of-state friends who came to celebrate with me.