March is brain injury awareness month shown by a green ribbon.

I find it ironic that March is also when our family suffered three TBI’s, from mild to severe, all unique, all different; as I read in one of our online support groups, “If you’ve seen one brain injury, you’ve seen one brain injury”. The injury, healing and after-effects are unique to that one brain injury. To me it is so amazing that both Jana and my brain injury were both classified as severe yet how different the outcomes were and are. I’ve been told a little too often “but you look so good”. Well some days, looks can be very deceiving. And green-to me green stands for life but in one sense life for me ended that night, the life I knew anyway. I have needed to learn how to cope with the new life I’ve been given and learning new things after a brain injury is often more difficult and needs more repetition.

I looked over the post I wrote almost two years ago about living with a brain injury and there are some things still the same, some things have improved or else I’ve gotten used to it or maybe I’ve adjusted and don’t expect as much of myself as I did. Yes, my brain still aches at times, especially after crying, although I believe with my diet change I have really reduced the severity and frequency of the headaches. The fogginess is better as well. I still have that buzzy, ringing, weird noise in my head, so I listen a lot to Pandora on my phone. Big crowds still very much overwhelm me and if I don’t have someone to focus on I allow myself to “space out” so I don’t go on overload- cause my reactions aren’t pretty to see. (Just ask my children) I still don’t multitask well. I still forget so much stuff!! But I have discovered a wonderful thing on my phone- called a calendar that can alert me when its time to do things- like turn on the oven so we can have supper on time. It also tells me when to do laundry but you’d think I could remember that if I want clean clothes I need to actually, uh like, start the washer. 😲 Thankfully not all days are as bad as that. But I do question and wonder, “What will my little girls learn or need to un-learn or re-learn because of my brain injury?” and I often ask God to protect their young hearts from being too scarred as a result of my limitations and issues. I have learned it helps a lot to be very open about my responses, reactions and struggles and to talk about their feelings.

I have found several online support groups where I can ask questions and talk with others who have experienced a brain injury, as well as hearing from other caregivers that also post helpful articles. It was through these groups that I learned listening to music is very therapeutic and healing to the brain as well as doing a craft or hobby. They are also stress relieving and stress is very hard on a person with a brain injury. I was excited to realize I remembered how to crochet and one of our neighbors asked if I would crochet a blanket out of some yarn they were given and I did. Reading is another very good activity for the brain and for me a paper version of a book works better than a screen version and I guess that’s because I was hit on the back of the head which is the part of your brain where your vision is controlled. On especially bright sunny days I will see floaty or sparkly things flying in front of my eyes. I will often get a head ache as well. Sunglasses have become my friend on our walks to the library or whenever I spend time outside. Another thing I learned is that our brains only heal when we sleep, which is one reason people sleep a lot when they have a concussion. But getting to sleep is one of my biggest challenges; it would be nice to be sleeping before midnight but too often I see midnight. The other thing I learned was I need to try to remember to look ahead when making plans so I don’t try to do too much. I have scheduled an hour of free time each day and over JoAnn’s surgery I realized again just how necessary that time is for me; time for me to rest, to sit back and drink a cup of tea or coffee. I read this article from the But You Don’t look Sick website to my family about “spoons” and it helped me explain to my family how I need to plan how to spend my energy. So I get asked, “Mom do you have enough spoons to do…?” Or I’ll be like, “girls the spoons are getting very low, I need your help or I need you to be extra quiet.”

I admit I still question, “Why did God allow our family to have two severe brain injuries to live through? How can He be honored and glorified when it feels like my life is messy and chaotic and my responses are not always Christ-like?” I have more questions than answers but one thing I do know is that 2 Corinthians 12:10b is very true, “For when I am weak, than I am strong.” In accepting my weakness and learning to live with my limitations, I have become aware of a strength, (sometimes it’s physical strength to continue to the end of the day, sometimes it’s a mental strength to say “No, I can’t do that”)  a confidence to continue living an abundant life even while experiencing pain; physical pain from the injuries of our accident, emotional pain of missing my smiling, cheerful little girl, as well learning how to best care for a disabled child. Even while experiencing shattered dreams and living in the tension of longing for another world while living in this one. Papa God is so good. This song Even If by Kutless is my desire, my prayer…

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come