Our 25th Wedding Anniversary

Our Wedding DayOur eyes are full of stars, and our hearts full of dreams and our brains think they know how to make this thing called marriage work – – I mean we both love each other — how hard can marriage be?….

10 Years later…

The stars and dreams are not as bright and vibrant and the brain is beginning to wonder if knowledge is enough to have a good marriage?? But it has a stubborn/hardened streak – – If I just do the right things: like reading the Bible everyday, praying more, being more patient and kind, going to church more, then surely somehow, doing the right things will make a good marriage….

20 Years Later….

The stars have burned out, the dreams died and the brain is numb and doesn’t know anything anymore…. All the good I’d done didn’t help me when I found out about my husband’s infidelity, when I discovered his secret sin. We were in the process of losing our house to bankruptcy and foreclosure. Could life get any worse??? I started questioning God and everything I thought I knew about Him. As a last chance to save our marriage and to find out who God really was; I took the Core and Lab 1 classes at Life ministries. I promised myself to give it all I had, to be as nakedly honest and real with myself, my heart and God as I knew how to be and I found out- – There is a very loving Father God!!

And a month after our 21st anniversary life did get worse –  much more than I could have ever imagined. I now know why the divorce rate is so high after the death of a child (80-90% within 10 years) and after a disabled child (25%) and after a traumatic brain injury  (25%). Statistically our marriage didn’t have a chance to survive. And had I not met God during our classes at Life Ministries…..it might not have survived.

25 Years Later…

The stars are starting to twinkle again and dreams are staring to shimmer again – the brain stills feels it knows less than it ever did but my heart has experienced God in ways I have trouble finding words to describe – I’ve experienced such an awesome God, my heart quivers and trembles, there are no words – just here I am God. I’ve experienced such a kind, gentle, loving Papa God, my heart rests and says “This is the Daddy I’ve always longed for.” So if its possible I’m more excited about the next 25 years than I was on our wedding day. And I think its because I – well Casting Crowns says it perfectly..

Is there room in your heart
Is there room in your heart
Is there room in your heart
For God to write His story
You can come as you are
But it may set you apart
When you make room in your heart
And trade your dreams for His glory
Make room in your heart
Make room in your heart

And this song also encourages me that because of our brokenness, our marriage actually has a pretty good survival rate.

“The only way we’ll last forever is broken together.”

JoAnn’s Updates

I’ve put the updates here that I had sent out via text to our family as well as some of my thoughts as I’m processing this journey.

February 23, 2018  We’re here with JoAnn. She slept well last night. Her pain is a little less than yesterday but she also had a reaction to the one kind of pain medication. So they have to find a different one cause she can’t come home on morphine. She had a rash as well as a bit of a fever. They weren’t sure if the fever was from the meds or because of the surgery.
And we just talked to the doc. He is very happy with the MRI results and feels like he got 99% of the enhanced area. He wants another MRI done in 3 months when surgery after effects are gone. The cysts were over the ventricle area which is were the spinal fluid is made that surrounds the brain and spinal cord. Because of surgery there is some open areas causing swelling and in time it should reduce and the ventricles close up. If not a shunt will need to be put in. So please pray that the swelling goes done and the ventricles close correctly. She has 26 staples in her incision which will come out in 2 weeks. The doc is not ready to send her home today possibly tomorrow.

February 24, 2018 We’re with JoAnn again. Her pain is better but she has more facial swelling and she’s still rather weak and tired. The nurse said the doc did not put a discharge order in and when she heard JoAnn’s got to go to the 3rd floor at home, she agreed with us that it might be better to keep her another day. So if you could pray for the facial swelling to go down and strength to build up. Thanks for praying.

February 25, 2018 We found JoAnn, 😏 they moved her twice since we were there last night. 😲She had a fairly good night’s rest despite the move in the middle of the night. We were told she could go home. The nurse got all the paperwork and discharge instructions and she got dressed and we are headed home now. Her facial swelling doesn’t seem to be as much as it had although both eyes are a bit swollen instead of just one like yesterday but her forehead isn’t as swollen either. Please continue praying for healing and thanks so much for your prayers.

We are home now and I think she is resting well; it’s hard for little sisters to play quietly especially when they are so excited to have big sister home again. We do have an appointment for the staples to be removed, as well as a check-up in about 2 weeks; as well as needing to schedule another MRI in about 3 months to see what that enhanced area is doing to know what to do from here. Thank you for continuing to pray for us through this journey. As I was processing my emotions the past couple of weeks through all the uncertainty of brain surgery. I had this very real fear that it might not possibly turn out like we hope. (So much so that we did some paperwork taking care of JoAnn’s financial and medical needs if things don’t turn out well.) And it sure didn’t help the early morning check-in paperwork listing all kinds of risks: seizures, coma, along with lots of others, even death. And then the doc says, “And for you, since this is your second surgery, that increases the risks a bit more”. Oh!! be still my heart remember… remember the message of the cardinal. And then to see the cardinal painting in the surgical waiting room. How awesome is our God!! There is no doubt in my heart that Papa God is good and is for me and He is quite okay with my emotions and feelings my heart experiences in these hard, difficult and painful places and times. But what do I do with them, Do I face the pain head-on or do I seek relief? Do I put trust in that paperwork we did or do I choose to trust His heart?

I very much identified with this song “Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real

Whatever you’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

JoAnn’s Surgery Update

We talked with her surgeon and he was pleased with how everything went. They took out a softball sized cluster of cysts and as much of an avocado seed sized enhanced area as they safely could. This enhanced area  is what causes the cysts to grow. He also ordered another MRI to check for bleeding which is routine and also to better tell how much of this enhanced area is still there. She is in a fair amount of pain it seems at the moment and is very drowsy but otherwise is doing well. Thank you so much for your prayers.

This is part of the one painting I saw hanging in the surgical waiting area.  I was surprised but I really shouldn’t have been, God is so much more than we can even begin to imagine.  And I couldn’t help but remember seeing the real cardinal in my city backyard and the message I heard that day. God is so good.

JoAnn’s Update

The doctor called and wants to do surgery as soon as can be planned due to the size of the tumor/cyst which increases the risk of seizures. So surgery is scheduled for February 22; quite a bit sooner than the game plan we had so neatly arranged in our minds. How does one process the tailspin news like this puts me on? I’m not sure, but… well actually, I’m pretty certain Papa God is more okay with my turmoil of feelings than I am. If I can manage my feelings, neatly arrange them, I have this totally wrong idea than I’ve got it under control, that I can handle life; but if I can handle life then I don’t really need God. Yet when it feels like I’m in a whirlwind, it makes me question, Where is God? Is life safe anymore? How am I even to make future plans when this life keeps throwing me curve-balls and messing up my neatly arranged plans? And I begin to question the goodness of God which shows just how human I am… I just went to make supper and I saw a beautiful red cardinal enjoying the seeds from the bird feeder. I had not yet seen a cardinal at our feeder here in the city. I felt God saying, “See I do care about you. I am here for you. I am for you and not against you.” “Thank you, Papa God.” I was filled with a wonderful feeling of peace and comfort that even though I don’t know the outcome, God does and He can and will handle this whole thing. I just have to be willing to trust Him.

I keep listening to this song by Matthew West and am reassured once again that I don’t have to do it alone, God is more than willing to do it with me.

Prayer requests:

~ That God would guide the doctor’s hands as he does the surgery.

~ That everyone would stay healthy, especially JoAnn over the next several weeks.

~ That JoAnn would feel God’s peace over the next weeks and that recovery would go well.

~ That JoAnn’s siblings could have peace and comfort; some have been a little high-strung the last few days.

~ That God would be glorified and honored through this experience.

Thank you!