“There’s a place where fear has to meet the God you know.”

What kind of God do I know? How do I know God?  How have I experienced God? And does it really matter or make a difference? I strongly believe it does. A. W. Tozer says, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” And that for me was another important piece in learning how to dance in my storm.  What did I think about God? And what do I now think about God? Grieving and facing my fears really has helped me “see” God in a whole different new light. It has become a passion, maybe a burden too, I want everyone to know God, to experience Him as I have come to know and experience Him. Yes, I realize God meets each one of us in a unique and personal way and that you can’t really experience God as I have because your story is different from mine.  But if in telling my story helps someone to see, to understand God more clearly, then I want to be willing to risk being vulnerable, open, honest and real.

For most of my life I saw God as this distant, un-involved, even maybe angry being. I needed to be sure I did everything right and followed all the rules and don’t ask questions. There was a lot of anger, distrust and fear in my heart. I also had a big misunderstanding about how God felt about me and His plans and desires for me, for my life. As a young teen I was told “It was God’s will that your mother died.” And I thought “I’m not so sure I like a god who plans my mother’s death. If he planned that, did He plan the abuse that happened, too?” And the fear and distrust of God in my heart just went deeper and I decided since there are only two options: heaven or hell, I’ll hopefully do just enough good to keep out of hell. Because hell did sound a lot worse than heaven, yet did I really want to spend forever with a God who planned awful stuff to happen to me? Such confusing thoughts, better not think too deeply about such things. Maybe the best thing would be to not think at all, to just do, obey all the rules, make sure I look like a good Christian, like I have it together and go from one good party to the next. I certainly didn’t think I really wanted to learn to know too deeply the God I thought He was or heard He was.But what if I was wrong? What if God wasn’t and isn’t like that at all? What if I hadn’t been given accurate statements about God? What if the God I knew didn’t exist? Through quite a long journey, of many years, tears and questions, I started to realize that some of the messages my heart heard about God where not accurate. God DID NOT plan all the bad things that happened. God NEVER even wanted bad stuff to happen to His people. It all started when that snake tempted Eve and she chose the tree of knowledge instead of the tree of life and the consequences of that choice. And the more I learned about God, the more I longed to know Him, to experience Him. It was in November 2013 that I had my first head-on collision with God and I’ve never been the same since. A lot of healing happened in my heart in that moment and I felt a freedom I never knew was possible. Then in March 2014 I had another collision with God, literally and figuratively, that collision also changed me forever. It put to test all the ideas and beliefs I had about God and the way I saw Him. A lot of them failed but I was learning to know a God I hadn’t realized existed. I was experiencing a different kind of God than I thought He was. And I fell deeply in love with the God I was experiencing. No, I never saw God but I’ve felt His arms and they are so strong, gentle and comforting. So loving and kind. So safe. So real and alive. It’s the only clear “memory” I have in the week after our accident and there are really no words to describe what it’s like, being held in God’s arms. It’s the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. On really hard days I go back to that place and let my heart soak in the love, strength, courage and grace that comes from just being held.

I’ve been listening to this song “More than you think I am” by Danny Gokey a lot and I wonder, who do I think I am to be able to tell anyone who God is or how I have experienced Him? There are no words, no thing that can really portray the awesomeness, the beauty of God; God is way more than we think He is. Our hearts have to be willing to be vulnerable and open to experience God.  I’m almost tempted not even to post my ramblings but I sense, I know that God is okay with my bumbling efforts; He will bring clarity and understanding to a heart that is seeking Him.