As I’ve been mourning and allowing my heart to be aware of my loss, grief and pain, it also brings another part of my heart to life- – FEAR, mind-numbing, breath-taking fear. Yes, some is legit and understandable but a lot of it is not; it’s purely irrational. I think it’s another one of Satan’s tactics, if he can’t get me to ignore or deny my losses. He’ll get me to be afraid, afraid that something bad is going to happen again, maybe even worse than before. And then I question God, Are You a good Father? Will you take care of me or do I need to look out for myself? And wonder how and if I can survive another loss, more pain? I wonder how many of us live our lives out of fear without even knowing it. There are many masks I can wear so I don’t have to look fear in the face. Sometimes I hide behind the mask of being a good mother when in reality I’m scared. I tell myself a good mother protects her children and tries to keep them safe and yes, she does but she doesn’t stifle them or hold them back. A good mother allows her children to try and struggle and sometimes even fail; but she is beside them encouraging them, believing in them. Too often I want to be strong for my children and don’t allow God to show Himself strong to them, to me. Fear is paralyzing, it keeps me from moving forward. It keeps me from dancing in the storm. Fear is also numbing it keeps me from feeling the real, the raw emotions whether it’s pain and anger or peace and joy. It keeps me from being fully alive, experiencing life. Living in fear is very exhausting, mostly because I’m trying to control life; to make life work the way I think it should.
But why?? What am I afraid of, what is under all that fear? I’m thinking it might be that I don’t really, honestly, truly trust God. He has allowed some huge losses in my life- – What if He allows another one, more?? What if?? And a million questions/thoughts can go through your mind. Can I trust God?? Is He a safe God? Yes, No, maybe but He is a good good Father. Yes, He is a trustworthy God, He is faithful. I just need to page back through my journals and see all the many times He was there in the pain and loss. He still is here with me in my pain, loss and fear. But I believe I will only trust God to the depth I experience His love. But living in fear keeps my from experiencing His love; I need to face my fears and as hard as it sounds- I need to embrace that fear. Acknowledging, looking fear full in the face causes it to lose its power then I can release it, give it to Jesus. “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid…this shows we have not fully experienced His love.” 1John 4:18 As Casting Crowns one song says, “There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know.” Facing my fear has allowed me to let my TBI define me; it has allowed me to accept how my TBI changed the way I live. No, it hasn’t defined who I am (I am still a beautiful daughter of my Good Good Father) but what I can do. There is so much freedom and peace in accepting myself and my limitations and acceptance takes away a lot of stress and pressure. Facing my fears has allowed me to dance in the storm and it has also changed my view of God.
A prayer request and I’m not sure who needs the prayers the most….Justin or us. He has committed to a year of service in Iraq. Talk about fear… well that brings it real close home.
