Update

The past several weeks have been filled with various doctor appointments. The first one was with Jana’s orthopedic doctor and she is still recommending surgery on Jana’s foot. The doctor is thinking of doing a tendon transfer and cord lengthening in which she is hoping –  we could then get rid of most of the shoe modifications. Jana would still need a brace. The actual surgery doesn’t seem to difficult or hard to do. It’s the recovery and intense therapy sessions afterward that look so overwhelming to us. We were also with the eye doctor and he is very pleased with how Jana’s eyes have responded to therapy. He sent us home on vacation for six months, Jana is to just use her eyes and not worry about doing therapy. That was exciting news for us. We took her to Hershey for more BOTOX shots in her arm and that doctor is pleased with how her arm and hand are getting into a better, a more natural position. We had Jana to Schreiber for a physical therapy evaluation. Jana was losing her balance more lately and so what she needs are new shoes, modifications and a new brace. She’s quite excited about getting new shoes. Wearing the same footwear for a year gets kinda old. So she’s keeps asking, “when can we go shopping?” She also does not need to go back for more therapy, they feel she has come as far as she is going to. It’s now keeping what she has and that can be done through her in home exercise program and having occasional evaluations. We also found out good news from several different places lately as well and while we are excited about hearing the good news, it also means there are lots of decisions to be made about our future. So if you remember, would you pray that we could be sensitive to God’s leading and that our brains would be able to think clearly through all the decisions we have to make.

dscn2625The other evening I had to go away and as I was driving, I noticed the beautiful sunset so I called home to my dear hubby and asked if he would be so kind and take some pictures for me. And he did but they just don’t do justice to the beauty of the sunset. It was so beautiful, so calming and restful. It reminded me so much of Jennie. It was the perfect shades and combination of pink and yellow. It would have been a sunset she would have wanted to try to paint with her watercolors. It was also the day after the 27th year anniversary of my mother’s death and I couldn’t help by wonder if my mother and daughter weren’t up there in heaven helping God paint that spectacular sunset just for me.

It’s for real…

It’s carved in stone. Yes, I have known Jennie died but seeing your child’s name, birth date and death date carved in granite does something to your heart. I’m not sure I have the words to put to the emotions, the feelings in my heart. It’s hard evidence of shattered dreams, of living out a painful reality– our child has gone before us. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We shouldn’t have had to spend months looking at designs, fonts and options and more options. Trying to imagine our child’s name in this or that font with this design or that design. And there were times I just wanted to grab all those papers and throw everything in the trash and scream, ‘No this is so wrong!” But the reality is- we did it. we finally decided on a design that would honor Jennie. And yet through the pain, through the hard decisions I felt, I sensed, God my Father there saying, “I’m hurting with you. It’s not what I wanted either.” And then I had to wonder. What did God want? He made us creatures of choice. And He wanted us to choose Him but instead we chose to question Him, to believe He was keeping something from us. And in one sense He was; He was keeping death, pain and suffering away. It was never His plan, His will for us to experience death, pain and suffering. But we chose to eat of the tree of knowledge instead of the tree of life. Yeah, I know it was Adam and Eve who actually did it, but I’m not much different from them. And God couldn’t stop the consequences of the choices that were made; so we live in a world of death, pain and suffering. But God had a plan for redemption and through Jesus’ work on the cross we can be redeemed. And that is what I hang on to- -day after day- – knowing that God is making beauty out of ashes and will turn my mourning into joyful dancing. And some day we will live in the beautiful world we were created for.

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