What I’ve learned….

~ Grief is a very lonely path. No one can feel my pain, no one can really understand because only I was Jennie’s mother but God can transcend all and He knows, He understands my pain.

~ Grief lasts longer than I realized. We never get done grieving, really; sometimes it’s quiet like a gentle rippling brook, other times it’s a raging river and we can’t see a thing through the tears streaming down our faces. But God says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

~ There are some people who appear to be uncomfortable when I cry. But God collects my tears in a bottle and that tells me, my tears are special to God.

~ Grieving is hard work. There are times I don’t feel like getting out of bed to face a new day of missing Jennie, Jana and even myself. But God says, “My grace is sufficient.”

~ There are some people who seem to be afraid of us, of our pain and I wonder if it’s because they feel helpless, they feel they can’t do anything to make it better, less painful for us. And it’s true, people can’t do anything, but couldn’t they just be there with us?

~ There are very few people (or I haven’t met them yet) who understand what it like to live with a traumatic brain injury. I feel bad for my dear hubby to live with two of us. And we may look like a typical grieving couple/family but quite frankly a brain injury affects all parts of your life and most people have no clue what our family deals with on a daily basis. And we’ve had people say, “At least, (which by the way are 2 words that should never be said to grieving people) Jana didn’t die.” But quite bluntly – It certainly seems much more painful than death would have been. Please don’t misunderstand me, hear what my heart is saying. I am thankful  that I can still talk with Jana, see her smile and hear her laugh,etc. And I do believe she is alive for a reason, that God has great plans for her. But do you know how incredibly painful it is to see a beautiful young lady full of life and vigor now struggle and need to learn new ways to take care of daily needs such as dressing, combing hair, etc? Sure, Jana has come a long way and she does a lot on her own but she has worked hard and it’s been a long hard struggle. Have you any idea how it feels to be the “mean mom” and require your child to do her therapy? Especially when it feels like the therapy isn’t doing what you had hoped for and I’m tired of being strong, tired of fighting, tired of pain. Had Jana died, yes, it would be incredibly painful but I know she would be enjoying heaven with her sister and not struggling with living in a broken world. And not much hurts a parent more than when we can’t make it better for our child, whether it’s physical, emotional, mental or spiritual issues. And then I wonder, what kind of pain do I put God my Father through, when I choose my way or when I think I know best…?

~ There is grief and then there’s complicated and ongoing grief. That’s how at least our psychologist counselor explained it to me. When a child dies, its so out of the usual cycle or circle of life; we will, for the rest of our lives, remember and grieve what should have been and isn’t. There will be many “firsts” we have to live through. And then not only do we grieve the death of Jennie; we also grieve the death of the Jana we used to have, as well as the death of what I was. And at times it feels we are caught in the crossfire  as we become aware of all the shattered dreams we have and how our world has been broken. But I am choosing to trust God, to believe He sees the whole picture and He is making all things beautiful even though to me is seems the most ugly, painful, messy time of my life.

~ God is so much more than I ever knew Him to be; more beautiful, more loving, more kind, and more gentle. But I wonder – Couldn’t I have come to know God better without going through this intense pain? Couldn’t there have been another way? Yet I want to choose to rest in God’s sovereignty, choose to believe in His redeeming love.