I can’t believe this is your second Christmas in heaven. In some ways it feels like forever since I saw your sweet smiling face and heard your girlish giggle and then I look at the calendar and I see it’s only been about 21 months and I wonder, “Who messed with my sense of time? How could life change so much in the blink of an eye?” And I long to go back to the before- – Back to the time when I was thinking about what to put in your school portfolio, instead of thinking about what to put on your gravestone. Back to when I could do most anything I wanted, instead of trying to decide which thing to do, cause if I do that, I won’t have the strength and energy to do this. Back to when I heard Jana dribbling a basketball and throwing baskets instead of hearing a squeaky quad cane and a shuffling gait. Back to when our table didn’t have an empty chair.
But that was then, this is now. How do I bring the two worlds together? Is it even possible? I can’t live in the before- it’s not what is reality. It was reality- – now it is only a memory that I wish was reality. How do I live in the now, when it’s the past, the memory I’m wishing was reality? I’m not sure but I don’t think it’s about forgetting the past or not thinking about it at all. Somehow I’ve got to hang on to the truth that God was in “the before” and He knew “the after” was going to happen and He is here as well. He can take this broken now and make it something beautiful. I’ve got to hang on to the truth that God is for me even though it seems at times He is against me. And the truth is what I’m really longing for is heaven- where life is perfect. There is no pain and sadness or struggle and difficulty. Just beauty and peace- someday, someday God will restore and all that is broken; will be made whole, complete, and beautiful. And we will see you again.
Or maybe He looks like the ones that gave it. Or maybe He looks like the one who painted it. Maybe its a mixture of all three. I’m just so amazed. I didn’t even know I needed this. It feels like most of my posts have been about the sadness, the hardness of grief and loss. But this is about the goodness of God. This gift was supposed to come in time for Jennie’s birthday, but it wasn’t quite ready then. So it was late, actually it wasn’t. It came right on time. It came right after a week of intense pain, anger at God for allowing all our losses, crying, etc. And then this walks in our house. And of course I had to cry some more. And I felt God was saying, “Yes, I know you’re angry at Me and you’re hurting and life is hard but I love you and care about and I am with you every single minute of every single day. I know what you’re facing and I wanted you to know that I know.” God is good! Here is a link to the song these words came from. Isn’t it a most beautiful song?
Yeah, I know that seems all wrong. It’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”, with all the decorations, gift giving, parties, things to do, all the music and lights, etc. And I’m not too sure we as Christians didn’t fall into the commercialization of Christmas in a “Christian” kind of way. And yet for some of us at times, well let’s be real honest, most of the time it feels like, “the most awful time of the year” instead. We have that shattered dream we’re trying to learn to live without. There’s an empty chair at the table, a bed that has no one to sleep in, or well _______________ you fill in the blank.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes,
“The celebration of Advent is possible only to those troubled in soul,
who know themselves to be poor and imperfect,
and who look foreword to something greater to come.”
And I also give credit to Grief Share for starting me to think differently, in some ways, about Christmas. That Christmas is for those who are hurting and experiencing pain. What is Christmas really about? Why do we have Christmas anyway? And I’m not going to get all theological about it or say it’s at the wrong time of the year or the many other things out there about Christmas. There’s plenty written along those lines. When I think about Christmas as I used to know it, I wonder, “Why do I have to do Christmas when my heart is hurting and I don’t want to hear the music and laughter? When my world has shattered and I don’t know how to put it together again. What do I do with Christmas and how in the world do I survive it, when ‘all things christmas’ feels so shallow, so frivolous, so empty? And so when I stopped to think about Christmas and the real reason we celebrate that day, I began to think I need to change how I do Christmas, how I see Christmas. Christmas is the day we honor the birth of Jesus, the day God came to live among us. Yes, I’ve known that all my life but it’s been since Jennie’s death that it’s really got me to thinking about Jesus’ birth and why He came to earth. Why did He live here 30+ years and die? If Jesus’ only purpose was to die to save us from sin, why didn’t God have His death happen sooner? Like when Jesus was two years old, instead of having Joseph and Mary take Him to Egypt or one of the many other times people were angry enough to kill Him. What if Jesus also came to show us how to live life? To show us He understands how much our hearts can hurt? To show us what love, grace, mercy and justice, etc. looks like? To show us a Father’s love? To show us who God really is? If you look in the Old Testament at the different times God’s presence was shown to people, their hearts were filled with fear. And God knew that so He came as a baby- who’s afraid of a baby? Listen to this song by Jason Gray. I identify so well with it in many places.
Listen to it again. Let the words of the song sink into your heart.
I’m wondering if a lot of the stuff I do at Christmas is to ease that deep down ache in my heart, the longing to make life here look a little more like the life I was created for, life in the garden. But this isn’t heaven and I shouldn’t try to make heaven on earth. The pictures I see of Christmas or at least what is trying to be portrayed as “Christmas”: people sitting by the fireplace, smiling and singing, good food, gifts, etc; leave me feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. Is there any room for some one who feels like crying instead of laughing? Someone who lost the music to the songs? Someone who wonders, “Where is God in the middle of this shattered dream?”
So what should Christmas look like? I’m not totally sure but somehow manger scenes and all the other “normal” christmassy stuff just doesn’t seem to quite fit. Jesus came to redeem us, to show us the Father, “to do a new thing”. I wonder how Jesus wants us to celebrate His birth, His coming to earth. I wonder if instead of being so busy doing stuff, we should learn how to be still. Instead of looking for all the perfect gifts, maybe we should be looking for Him, and instead of listening to all the holly jolly music, listening with our hearts for His voice. I wonder how often we miss Jesus because He doesn’t look like we think He should. What if He is that family whose loved one died? What if He’s that family who just received earth shattering news? What if He’s that sad-looking person I saw while grocery shopping? What if He’s that disabled person I had to wait on? What if His the child that asks, can you do something with me? What if ____?
I found this poem on the internet and it touches my heart.
Yesterday I had Jana at the eye doctor. She has been having double vision and headaches at times, and there were times I’d see her eyeballs get shaky or fluttery. Not exactly the medically correct term but I don’t know how else to say it. And I wasn’t exactly wanting to go away yesterday, it was 20 months. And those days are hard. But as always God knows everything. What are the chances that the eye doctor you decide to use, cause its close and your older children used them and liked them; is the only one in Lancaster county that specializes working with brain injury/ eye issues? At least that’s what they said. She said eye therapy would probably help and may change the prescription, so recommended waiting to get glasses to see what eye therapy will do for her. I would guess Jana will still need glasses, it seems our children have inherited their father’s eyes. So it looks like we will be going for eye therapy. Thankfully it can wait til the new year since Jana’s other therapy will be going done to one day a week then. And the eye doctor is only 15 minutes away. The one drawback is they don’t accept our insurance so it will be self pay, but days after our accident God, in a special way, left my dear hubby know that He will take care of us, and He has; so I’m choosing to trust God in this, too.
And today I was at my aunt’s funeral, the first funeral I was at since our daughter’s. Going to viewings and funerals is just not the same as before. I was expecting it to be hard, just not quite as hard as it was. It even rained and I’m pretty sure it was rainy the day of Jennie’s funeral. It just brings back so many memories and makes me realize all over again our losses, our shattered dreams. And again God was there, the pastor said God is bigger than our needs, bigger than any problem we can face. I only need to be aware of His presence in the storm. I was comforted and again reminded God really does know everything about me and loves cares deeply for me. I am His child.
