I know I wrote how God is enough here but sometimes it almost seems that well maybe He isn’t. The past weeks I’ve been going through the posts and updates that were put on Caring Bridge in the days following our accident. I had never read through them before. I’m still not done going through them. It’s hard and rather difficult. It brings back some very painful moments and memories. I’m not sure how we survived. God was very much carrying us. I remember thinking back then, “I can’t wait till this pain is gone, till I’m back to my normal self”. But guess what- I’m still living with pain and I’ve totally lost “my normal self”. True the intensity of the physical pain is nowhere near what it had been. Yet the emotional/mental pain seems to be just as bad as it was and since I no longer have the physical pain to distract me; it makes some days difficult. It’s that ongoing, nagging, irritating physical pain along with the emotional pain- -make some of my days rather pain filled which almost drive me crazy. Will it never end? Suffering and pain, especially long-term, drive us to desperation. In my pain, I become desperate, wanting something, anything to ease the pain, to stop or take away the pain. In my desperation, where do I go? Do I turn to my Father or do I allow bitterness to grow? Do I allow myself to struggle with God allowing pain and suffering? Or do I try to Christianize it? Do I just want to get out of my suffering or do I try to see Jesus through, even in my suffering? We may never understand the reason we suffer, the reason we go through some of this pain.  But could it be one way God is pursuing us? True it seems like God’s got it all wrong; how can suffering and pain draw us to Him? But remember how desperate we become in pain and we need to remember God is in the pain with us. Yes, suffering and pain at times blocks our ability to see God but that doesn’t mean He isn’t there. And it seems that an all-powerful God wouldn’t allow such horrible stuff to happen to us, especially those who are doing their best to live for Him. But there is more to my suffering, than just the story of my suffering; it is part of God’s larger story. In our suffering and pain it is so easy to become so focused on me and my story and forget we aren’t the center piece. God is. Even though He is the Author of the story, He is also the Hero in the story. God the Father planned a way to restore us to Himself, for us to have an intimate relationship with Him through having His Son come to this earth. And why did Jesus come to this earth? To show us how to love and to suffer. Jesus, because of His passionate love for us, suffered the ultimate suffering and it wasn’t even for His benefit. He suffered for me- to bridge that chasm between God and me. Larry Crabb says in one of the Grief Share videos, “You can always trust the Man who died for you.” And that just gripped my heart deeply. Even though I do not begin to understand why God allowed painful things to happen to me, I also realize those things were never His desire, His dream for me. But can I trust Him to make beauty out of it? Can I allow myself to rest in the fact that someday He will make all things new? Can I be okay with the never-ending longing for something more and realize that I’m longing for heaven? And not try to make heaven here, but to be willing to keep an open heart and hand as I journey through this life. And to realize, I was made for a totally different world that the one I am currently living in. As Charles Spurgeon wrote, “Nothing teaches us about the preciousness of the Creator as much as when we learn the emptiness of everything else.” And even though I have lots of questions and I don’t understand what God is doing; yes I still believe God IS enough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l3CEMWCxSk