In becoming aware of, that deep longing inside of me to dance in the storm, I had and still have a lot of questions. How do you dance in the storm? What does it look like to dance? What does it mean to dance when I don’t even feel like dancing? And isn’t dancing somehow wicked or at least worldly? Not something a really good Christian would do.

So I went to the dictionary and it says dancing is: to leap, skip, etc as from excitement or emotion: move nimbly or quickly. A picture that comes to my mind is: a sweet innocent young girl freely twirling and lifting her arms in openness and freedom.

But too often I don’t see myself as that. I see or feel instead heaviness, sadness even pain. I can’t lift my arms in openness. Instead I sit in the mud puddle huddled tight, closed in. Wishing, longing to be free, to be able to dance. But not being able to.

So when feeling like that, how do I dance in life’s storms? There are a couple things that I became aware of or maybe finally understood better and that has helped me to be able to dance in my storm. So will you see me skipping and leaping about? Hardly, my injuries in our accident have prevented that. For me, it is more about what my heart feels, what I believe about God, Jesus and myself. It is being willing to be honest, to ask questions and look for answers, yet not demand answers. It is about worship.

One of the most important pieces in this journey for me was the realization that Jesus died to heal my pain and to forgive my sins. I knew for years that Jesus died to forgive my sins and save me from hell. But I don’t ever remember hearing that He died for my healing. Isaiah 53:4 says Jesus bore our griefs, sickness, weakness and distress and carried our sorrows and pain. Verse 5 says He was pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our guilt and iniquities. The picture I was given was that Jesus spread His one arm out to heal my pain and the other arm to forgive my sins.

I find it interesting to notice that God put about healing our pain before forgiving our sins. Could it be that I can’t really grasp what it means to have my sins forgiven if my heart is full of pain?  I think so- – I stood at revival meetings as a young teen hoping to get rid of the awful feeling I had inside of me. I prayed the usual sinner’s prayer, “I’m sorry I sinned, please forgive me and take away my sin.” And it helped for a couple of days but it didn’t take long for that churning, swirling feeling to come back, the wondering what is my life really about? Who am I?  Why am I even here on this earth?

I hadn’t asked Jesus to heal my hurting heart. I don’t think I even knew my heart was hurting. I had no words for what I was feeling and even if I had, I think I would have denied it. By then I had been experienced some deep, painful wounds and had learned to deny my feelings. It was too scary to be open. I don’t think I even trusted Jesus or God. I didn’t have a true picture of who He really is. And that is something I’d like to explore in another post. But I remember the feeling that washed over me when I understood that Jesus died to heal me. I was shocked, stunned. Jesus really died to heal this broken, hurting heart. And yet because of what I thought about Jesus, I wasn’t too sure I wanted Him quite that close. It felt too risky, too intimate. I wasn’t sure it would be safe to invite Him in. But I am so grateful God kept pursuing me, kept trying to show me who He really is. That He kept drawing my heart to His, wanting me to learn to dance in the storm.

I invite you to allow Jesus to heal your pain and I realize that might feel like a scary, unsafe thing to do, especially if your picture of Jesus is similar to how I saw Him. So maybe, if you can just be willing, to think about inviting Jesus to heal your hurting heart.