Last night with the snow softly fluttering down my young romantic heart wanted to go walking so I begged my hubby dear to go with me. And bless his dear heart he got dressed up even though he was all ready for a haircut and we went walking through the city. There’s something about the quiet beauty of sparkling glittering falling snowflakes that touches my heart; I chose to be open and vulnerable and in the midst of the beauty I put words to some ugly stuff that had been triggered- once again from my abuse. Will it ever end?? I’m learning that putting words to my feelings somehow breaks the power the trigger has. It’s been a long hard journey but last night was one time we got it right. We were able to process and talk through the trigger in a healthy way. I felt heard although not exactly understood but I wasn’t expecting that. How can he understand me when at times I don’t understand me? 😏 I was so proud of us. I wish it would happen like this every time. And then in the midst of our heavy conversation, I hear tires sliding, a bump and crunch and seconds later more tires sliding and another bump and crunch. Even though everyone got out and was walking around; it amazes me how something so minor can create such a reaction in my body and heart and cause flashbacks of our accident. So we talked about our accident and the changes it gave us- once again before going back to our previous conversation. It seems we can never get away from or leave behind that one horrific night. It touches everything I do, it’s like a bad dream I can’t wake up from.

I have a love/hate relationship with snow. I love snow- it’s new fallen whiteness, the sparkle, the glitter, the softness of the flakes floating down. Sitting inside with a warm cup of coffee, watching the children playing outside. Snow is beautiful.

I hate snow/ice- it causes horrific accidents that change your life forever. It is cold and damp which increases the pain levels. It creates hard work for someone- the van and sidewalk need cleaned off. Snow is ugly.

And I wonder is beauty always in companionship with ugly? Sorta like pain and pleasure? I found it interesting that when we got back from our stroll, I felt more alive and stronger than I had all day. Is it when my heart sees and acknowledges the ugly that my heart can also be more aware of the beauty? When I allow my heart to feel the pain, it is then my heart is alive to feel the pleasure? To be willing to walk in the ugly cold snow so that I can experience the beautiful glittery snow. To be willing to walk the scary path of openness and vulnerability so my heart can experience the beauty of connection and care. And there are times, even though I chose to be open and vulnerable; I have also experienced more pain instead of care and connection. But just as our deepest pain often comes from relationships, our deepest healing also comes from relationships. And my most important relationship is my relationship with Papa God and what my heart knows and believes about Him. So I will continue choosing to dance in the ugly with Him for He has promised to make everything beautiful in His time.