JoAnn had another brain CT scan and doctor appointment and the message is still the same as the past 3 visits. “Nothing changed. Come back in 6 months.” And on one hand that sounds like fairly good news. I mean at least it’s not getting worse- the fluid level isn’t increasing… And at least she doesn’t need surgery… But on the other hand all the risks are still there, the most worrisome to me is the risk of seizures and all the issues that come along with that. So we’re still waiting and watching…wondering…
Waiting, waiting, waiting, seems like that’s all my life is about right now. It feels like I’ve been put “on hold” and I’m really very tired of waiting…
Waiting for the attorney to get all the paperwork done….
Waiting for the oven to sell…
Waiting for the headaches to go away…
Waiting for the pain to lessen…
Waiting for the “to do” list to get done…
Waiting for the longings in my heart to be met….
Waiting for the million questions I have, get answers…
Waiting to see Jennie again…
How do I keep my heart open, soft and inviting when the temptation is very real to put on the tough girl act and pull myself together? I mean if I would have just prayed more or oftener or better then surely God would have made the fluid less or even took it away completely. Or maybe if I read and studied the Bible more, something miraculous would have happened. How do I stay vulnerable and authentic when the temptation is to make it about me trying to control life, to make life work? If I wouldn’t be impatient and snap at the girls while doing school, then surely I’d be good enough and God would bless the desires of my heart. Or maybe if I was more self-disciplined and didn’t indulge my taste buds off of my “good for the brain” eating plan then He would honor and bless all that discipline with less physical pain, maybe even, no pain at all and lots of energy to wipe out that “to do” list. If I could somehow just do life the right way, do the right thing…
But is my heart aware of what is actually happening? I think Satan brings those questions, those temptations and at the core of it all, is asking me the same thing he asked Eve…Is God good? Is He against me instead of for me? Satan wants me to make it about me, about me being in control and if I do, say or act just right, God will do the honorable thing and bless me and my efforts. But what if it isn’t about me at all? What if it’s all about God getting glory and honor through all of this? What if it’s about staying vulnerable and real with God and my heart and becoming aware of God and knowing Him on a deeper level than before? What if through telling my story, my struggle it encourages someone to continue trusting God? What if it’s about being more aware of how passionately God loves me and is longing for a relationship with me and in the waiting God is making beauty out of dust and ashes? What if Papa God is more concerned about my heart and what is in it than fixing my world or keeping my waiting at a minimum? According to His Word, “What you say flows from what is in your heart.” And “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” I told my friend I don’t think I’m dancing too well in this storm and she reminded me that when learning new dance steps sometimes we stumble, even step on each other’s toes but it’s a process of learning, of continuing to try. And it brought to my memory this summer when we went to Landis Valley Museum for their Civil War Days. One of the programs they had was “Recreation in the Civil War” and dancing is one of the things they did. The dance teacher invited the public to join them in learning some of the dance steps. She showed everyone how to do the steps but it was very easy to see the difference between the dancing group and those from the public who were doing it probably for the first time. The one little person I enjoyed watching, he was thoroughly enjoying it but was dancing all over the place, not staying in the proper line-up and once ran right into his partner. And I can’t help but wonder “Does God want me to be okay with where I am, maybe even enjoy where I am right now because He is with me? Does He want me to dance all over the place not really knowing what I am doing and run right into Him, trusting that He will lead me to the next step at the right time?” So I wonder if He isn’t working on a new dance step and is asking me to trust Him, to rest in His love and care while waiting, remembering how gently He held me and cared for me in the hospital.
