…but do I live like I know and believe I am loved? Do I believe I am accepted and loved just as I am by Papa God?
I mean we all have times when we doubt and question that God loves us. Life in this broken messed up world can be very hard and painful. We witness, and at times, experience it in very personal ways; which if I am authentic, I will admit to feeling doubt that God is good or that God loves me, and I question- “How could a loving God allow_______? You can fill in the blank with your own hard, painful story piece… I also wonder if maybe some of my reactions to life’s circumstances are because my soul is gasping for God, a connection with Him. To be able to experience His presence, His love, to live a life of victory. Our pastor said something that caught my ear, “We are to fight from a place of victory not for victory. Jesus has secured the victory for us already!”
What does living loved and fighting from victory look like? I think it starts with my belief; my actions always follow my belief. Do I believe I have Papa God’s affection, approval, and acceptance or am I believing I must earn it by living a life of performance? Do I believe the victory is already secured, that I don’t have to do more or be more to secure it? I believe God’s deepest desire is a relationship, a connection with me, with my heart. It’s then when I am vulnerable and authentic with God that I can live loved, that I can live from victory. I can live loved when I have experienced God’s overwhelming, never-ending love.
Living loved and fighting from victory also comes from a place of believing God is a sovereign God, an all-powerful God, and in a place of surrender to this God. I’ve had the wrong idea about what surrender looks like, I’ve thought it is a more passive approach “Okay, God I don’t like this, I don’t want what is happening, but I surrender to You.” I’m now seeing that true surrender only comes after wrestling long and hard, sometimes after an all-night wrestle with God. Surrender comes after asking all the questions and begging God for a different way or plan. Surrender often leaves one with a limp, a scar. Look at Jacob, Genesis 32:22-32, he wrestled all night with God and ends up with a displaced hip and a new name… I believe Jesus wrestled with God in the Garden of Gethsemane; He asked His Father several times if it’s possible to take away the cup of suffering and He was “in such agony of spirit that His sweat fell to the ground like drops of blood” yet in the end He surrendered powerfully to the plan for saving me and the rest of the world. Jesus was able to surrender because He knew and experienced what living loved was. It seems like surrender and living loved, fighting from victory is a paradox, an oxymoron but in the Kingdom of God it is the way to experience joy, to thrive, to dance in our storms.
One of Jennie’s favorite songs was “Victory in Jesus”. I can still see her sitting on the wooden swing set, swinging as high as she could go, singing as loud as she could. “Oh, victory in Jesus my Savior forever….” She is now enjoying that sweet victory, experiencing that sweet love…