Some days I feel empty, tired, not wanting to dance in my storm. I’d rather sit in the mud puddle. I feel like Jennie’s memorial garden looks. Empty. Nothing appearing to be growing or changing. Nothing good or beautiful happening.

But I also see in Jennie’s memorial garden the names of our living children. And that speaks hope to me. There is life. There is growing. Yes, it will take time, lots of it, to see what is taking root in their lives but even now I can see some good things taking place.

And I did plant some spring bulbs so I wonder what is happening underground where I can’t see. What are the bulbs doing? Reaching out for life? Dreaming of what they will be someday? It is my understanding that some flower bulbs need the cold of winter to be able to bloom in the spring. And I wonder do I need to go through a cold winter to grow, to bloom in the spring? Do I need to feel the emptiness of myself so I can better experience the fullness of my Father?

 I wonder what is happening in my heart that I can’t see. I wonder what God is trying to teach me about Himself. I wonder what God wants me to be aware of about me in the emptiness I feel. Do I really believe: That God is enough? That God is there for me and not against me? That God loves me passionately? That as empty, dead and ugly as everything looks or feels like now, God is working and in His time He will reveal the thing of beauty that He is making? And just as I need to have faith and believe that come spring I will have beautiful flowers; I need to believe, to choose to trust that God is doing something beautiful and in His time I will see and understand. Although it may take a lifetime, not till I reach my Heavenly Home that I will be able to see the beauty that He making. And can I be ok with the mystery- that I don’t have to understand what is happening? Can I rest in Him, trusting that He is in control and He really does know what is happening in my life? I wonder if dancing sometimes is sitting quietly and pondering? Thinking about what is in my heart and asking God to help me know what is in my heart and to be brave enough to put words to what I’m feeling. I invite you to sit quietly and ponder what God is doing in the emptiness, in the cold of winter.

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