…is one of my problems. When it was brought to my attention, I was not sure if it really fit. I had heard the term burnout but mostly associated with those in missions or on the mission field because I heard it happened when a person was trying to do God’s work instead of waiting for God to care of it.

      But my inquisitive brain would not let it go. I kept thinking about it- What exactly is caregiver burnout? And can I, as a parent really, have it? I mean it is demanding work being a mother and yes sometimes it feels like I am asked to do the impossible, to do what only God can.

     I found out caregiver burnout is when you are in a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental state of exhaustion. Ummmm well I qualify for that…. seems like I am tired even before I get out of bed some days. I realize my brain injury has a big part to play into that as well. Here are some of the caregiver burnout symptoms I found:

• Lack of energy
• Overwhelming fatigue
• Weight loss or gain
• Sleeping too much or too little
• A feeling of hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Mood swings
• Difficulty coping with normal everyday routine
• Headaches, stomach aches or other physical problems

So yeah, I can identify with quite a few of those symptoms but does a mother really suffer from caregiver burnout? I am going to stick my neck out and say “yes!” We mothers are usually our children’s primary caregiver and most times they grow up and become independent young adults; but sometimes the plan breaks, and they end up as forever children, not having the ability to become totally independent. While I would not change having had six wonderful children, it is extremely exhausting and add trauma and it’s after effects to that and it is no wonder I am exhausted.

      So, what’s a mother to do? I do not fore see any substantial changes in my near future that would ease the caregiving aspect. The different websites I had read used words- “self-love,” “self-care,” and “self-respect” and while that may sound very selfish and not at all Christ-like, what is the greatest commandment? Matthew 22:36-40 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” What does it look like to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind? To love my neighbor (my children) as myself? I wonder if we really understand what loving looks like. In our world we use love too lavishly and frivolously, (I love coffee and chocolate.) especially in comparison to how Christ loved (He lived and died showing us what love truly is). I looked at The Gospels and noticed Christ seemed to regularly go to the mountains to pray or He got up before daybreak. So, He spent time alone with His Father, away from the crowds who desperately wanted something from Him.

     What does it look like for me to love well? To love with all my heart, soul and mind? That encompasses the three parts of us (physical, emotional, and spiritual) and if one of them is not well it does affect the other two. If my mind is so exhausted and my body too tired from lack of sleep, how can my heart and spirit hear the truth of God’s Word?

      I had been unknowingly learning to do one of the most important things to ease caregiver burnout. I had started scheduling things to do a little bit each day instead of doing a big job all day long. I started giving myself grace and space to be okay with things done more simply and differently than what I grew up learning how to do. I now make a casserole or soup, do one load of laundry a day, clean one room or even a section of one room a day. I actually schedule free time- time to read and relax. I take time to be in nature as I find that very relaxing. I’m learning what makes my brain feel overloaded and how to work with that in a healthy way, too. I’m still learning what it looks like in real life what it means to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbor (my children) as myself. I’m so grateful for God’s never-ending love, mercy and grace as I continue to be human and make mistakes.

     ***Disclaimer: I had started this post several years ago and never finished it. I felt too vulnerable, too insecure; (it still feels vulnerable but I’m more secure now) I was certain I was doing something wrong. I did not think a good Christian would be experiencing so many of the feelings I was. But I still identify with some of the symptoms of caregiver burnout, so I decided to finish it. I’m becoming more accepting of myself and my journey to healthy wholeness, realizing that true and complete wholeness isn’t happening till I reach the Promised Land. Over the years I have come to understand that to accept/acknowledge the losses, I must grieve, in a healthy way, what I lost and that sometimes grieving is a longer journey than one would think because some losses are not always visible and some losses one isn’t aware of till years after the event that caused the loss. I have also learned that sometimes dancing in the storm is choosing to rest in my Father’s arms, to be still and know, to trust in His never-ending love. To hold on to the belief that Papa finishes what He starts and that He is making beauty out of ashes.

I found this song “I Will” by Citizen Way and have listened to it so very often over the years:

I know you’re feeling overwhelmed
Before the day even begins
But I can see beyond the now
This is not how your story ends
And when you’re at your weakest
Oh I’ve never been more strong
So let Me be the One you’re leaning on.